Sisters In Submission

A new Domme asks...

2011-04-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

I recently received this comment from an "anxious new Domme."

I was a long time submissive and found it very rewarding but as satisfied as I felt and as happy as I was being a good slave...I felt like I needed something more. Several years ago a met an extremely submissive man and for years we have communicated electronically and he has begged me to dominate him. A few months ago I decided to get into more detail with him about his desires to completely submit to me. Since we have been communicating for years there is a great level of comfort and respect already built...what brought me to your blog is for years I have had the mind set of a sub...I know there are switches in this lifestyle so it is not unusual what I am doing but what do I know about making someone completely submit to me. I want to be a good of a dom as I was a sub. I want my sub`s experiences with me to be as fulfilling as I experienced as a sub myself...so I m here on the internet looking for answers and this is the first place I ended up. Things are really getting intense and we have our first session next Friday. I want everything to go perfectly and I must really want this as it has me extremely anxious for the day to finally arrive...I can't wait to give it a go! Any advice or thought a from anyone out there?

Would anyone like to offer some advice?

Dissolving

2011-04-12T06:54:00.000-07:00

I find myself dissolving into fantasies of him at the oddest times. Something mundane will happen during my very vanilla life, and all of a sudden I will wonder... If I were with Him right now, what would he do? Would he bind my arms and legs so I could only crawl on my elbows and knees and make me clean up that spill with my needy wanton tongue? Would he make me kneel before Him and confess my every naughty thought before raising my skirt and striping my ass with His cane? Will I have to show Him my appreciation for His much needed discipline by worshiping his long, thick cock with my throat and mouth for hours? (o god i hope so)

Knees

2011-02-02T16:15:00.000-08:00

There is just something wonderful about being on your knees in front of a powerful man with his cock deep in your throat. Don't you think?

Actually doing almost anything on your knees is quite divine.

When I finally recognized myself as a submissive woman, I couldn't bring myself to even sit on the furniture. The submission was so powerfully controlling in my body that I could barely stand on my feet and kneeling was my only option. I miss how intense it was in the beginning of my discovery. I was besotted with submission. That is the best way I can describe it. Besotted. Saturated. Infused. Owned.

I still feel it intensely at times, and being on my knees helps to bring me to that place.

Bound

2011-01-30T11:58:00.000-08:00

The more things change...The more they stay the same.

I hate cliches, especially when they are true. I hate actually fitting into a cliche because I'd like to think I'm so unique, but aren't we all?

The further we move away from each other, the stronger the pull. I suppose there is a lesson somewhere in there about the strength of attraction. I have never been without him, although we say we are no longer together. It's a joke, really. We both know how ridiculous it is to think we could ever truly be apart no matter how much we discuss our separation. I know what he is doing. He is giving me my space because he knows I need it. He always gives me what I need when I need it, before I even know I need it.

We orbit around the space of our lives, a couple of rogue planets, colliding abruptly then traversing fast away. Each push and pull directly effecting the other, a force as an uncontrollable and binding as the law of physics. It's the bond that transcends the rules of the day. The sign of one's true Master (as if there was ever any doubt). To him, I am forever bound.

(photo link)

2010-08-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

tonysangel's left the following comment on a post:

I am a sub in a long distance ownership most of my training has been done by phone or internet.. i have a tendency to defy him because of the distance.. only to have the punishment be more severe when i am before him.. i know the concequencces are coming.. anyone else have this problem and corrected it..

In exploring my own past experiences with distant Master, I remember realizing how easy it would be to defy Master since he is not here to see. How would he ever know unless I told him? And why on earth would I rat myself out? Then I realized how pointless doing so would be. The only way to honor the true submission in my heart was to keep it pure by being honest and obedient. If I was having difficulty doing so, then I needed to address this with my Master. What would the point be for either of us if I was just going to do what I wanted to do anyway?

Discuss it with him. It's a point of growth for you both.

new therapy?

2010-08-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a (vanilla) friend the other day, or actually he was talking to me, about the problems he was having with his wife. She is controlling, demeaning and constantly doing things to provoke an altercation with him. It's been going on for a while, and I sat there and nodded and offered my best advice and support, but all I could think of was...

Dude!!!! She's BEGGING for it. Slap a collar on that shrew already!!! If I have ever heard of anyone needing to be turned over a knee it is her!! She is a petulant, snarky child that needs to be put in her place! She gives "bratting" new dimension!!!!!!

Of course, I said none of this... but then I began to wonder... This woman is a troubled woman desperately searching for boundaries in her life. She is constantly doing things to test them, and he gingerly handles her when it's clear she needs a firm hand. Why couldn't this be a viable solution?

There are "kink" friendly therapists out there who provide traditional therapy to those in need, that have an understanding of the unique dynamics involved in certain lifestyles. But I wonder if they ever employ "kinky" solutions for their vanilla patients. hmmmm.....

processing...

2010-08-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am currently without a recognized Dominant figure in my life. A painful choice I had to make to maintain my family structure. It's been almost a year, and I still feel like I'm in somewhat of a tailspin. I have so many emotions that wreak havoc in my life and I feel I have no clear plan or goal. It's definitely some sort of survival mode that keeps me afloat.

He doesn't know why I am so angry with him at times, and truth be told, neither do I. I think I am just angry at myself, and he is just the convenient target. I need to get a grip on things. We recently went to the doctor, and his blood pressure was high. I immediately felt responsible. He is stressed and trying to hold it all together, normalizing a situation he can barely recognize or understand. I have not been easy. The child in me wants him deprived of peace as I am, perhaps.

It is an arduous process finding the Master within. I existed for a long time having to make my own rules and structure and I am sure I can do it again, but it is quite hard. As hard as it is for the garden to garden herself.

A question....

2010-07-18T06:48:00.000-07:00

I received this comment on a post.....

trevzangel has left a new comment on your post "Training for the New Submissive ":

I have been trying to research about becoming a submissive, the more i research the more i want to become, how do i start? if any one can help me please x

In my humble opinion, trevzangel, being submissive is not something you simply "start," it is something that you just are. It's something that feels right to your very core, that resonates deep in your soul. I think what you may be inquiring is how to embark on a relationship where the distinct dynamic of Dominant and submissive are realized and practiced. Right?

It's a crazy world out there that needs careful navigation. I think the best place to start is at home, and I have some questions...

Are you with a partner?
Can you share your feelings with them?
Are you scared to broach this topic with them? (Viv's book on the sidebar is an excellent resource, btw)
What is it that appeals to you about being submissive?
Is it possible to incorporate this into your present life?

There are social networking sites for folks looking for bdsm relationships, but please be cautious about them until you are really sure about what you want. They could be quite overwhelming, especially to someone new to the scene. Take it slow, be thorough and careful.

Anyone else have a word or two of advice for trevzangel?

Happy 4th of July

2010-07-04T07:01:00.000-07:00

I hope
your holiday
is full
of dripping wet
deliciously salacious
goodies....

Stages of Submission.. Exploring Stage 1

2010-07-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

Stages of Submission

Stage 1: The initial discovery stage.

Where and when one finds out about one's own feelings and emotions, related to erotic power exchange are often discovered in a very early (sometimes pre-puberty) stage, although they may either emerge or develop at a later stage as well.

I must have been about 8 years old or so, perhaps going through a hormonal surge, and I remember myself lying in my bed immersed in a fantasy involving a horribly strict man controlling several women. I still have images from the fantasy in my mind. Women standing in a row naked and shivering. The cruel Master standing before them ordering them about. I remember feeling my body burning with... something... I had no vocabulary for sexual anything then so even my memory of the feeling lacks a term.

I remember I used to pretend that I was always being watched by some sort of an overseer. He would watch my every move, and would punish me if I got out of line in the slightest way. I envisioned him standing there in brown leather boots carrying a large stick with which he would strike me. He would watch me as I waited for my school bus, or played with my friends. His stern words of warning filled my head as I pushed the boundaries in the slightest way. Such an intense warmth of sorts would flood my chest and arms almost forcing my body to the ground, a feeling I would rediscover almost 30 years later.

I remember as a child being enthralled by the remotest reference to spanking. Whether it was on television or in a book, I would keep a running list of all the places I would find these precious gems and go over them again and again in my mind.

And then it all just stopped. I think at some point I thought myself a freak or wrong for entertaining such thoughts so I banished them from my mind. I wanted to be a good and perfect girl, and good and perfect girls don't harbor such dark and dangerous fantasies or so I thought.

In my late 30's I rediscovered my secret desire for spanking, and would peruse the net for stories. I was surprised by my familiar primal reaction I had to them, and began reading more and more. I discovered there was a whole world of people and eventually engaged in a very cursory conversation with one such person. It was he who asked the one question that changed my life forever....

"So how long have you wanted to be with a Dominant man?"

kablam.....

Stages of Submission

2010-06-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

I read about 150 blogs and sites of folks involved in the lifestyle, and although each and everyone of us is beautifully unique, the one thing we all seem to have in common is our quest to evolve and grow.

I have been thinking about the stages of submission.... How one goes from being totally "vanilla" (or believing they are) to realizing that they are anything and everything but vanilla. I looked for some information written about this, and found this, which I thought helpful.

According to the site, there are 7 stages of (what they call) Kinky/BDSM growth

Stage 1: The initial discovery stage.

Where and when one finds out about one's own feelings and emotions, related to erotic power exchange are often discovered in a very early (sometimes pre-puberty) stage, although they may either emerge or develop at a later stage as well.

Stage 2: The fear-stage

The uncertainty plus social factors will usually lead to fear about one's feelings and emotions and may lead to shorter or longer periods of seclusion.

Stage 3: The "first steps stage"

Where one will start to experiment (with oneself), read, and search for information, even as they keep their fantasies and dreams to themselves, people will start to experiment, quite often on themselves, often actively incorporating both the dominant and submissive roles in themselves.

Stage 4: The reaching out stage

Where one tries to find others.

Stage 5: The reconciliation stage

Where one comes to grips with one's fantasies and starts to understand them.

Stage 6: The partner-search stage

Within an existing relationship or finding a new one.

Stage 7: The revolving stage

Where one grows, learns, experiments, grows again, etc.

I think this is pretty accurate, at least in my experience it seems to apply. The site's home page is "under construction" so I wasn't able to actually credit it's author. If anyone knows who wrote this please let me know.

I'm going to be exploring these stages and comparing them with my experience, and I would be honored to include any contribution you would like to make.

Been busy....

2010-06-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to thank you from the very bottom of my salacious heart for your encouraging comments and email. I love to hear from you and I am so grateful you want to hear from me too.... I am here, I am well... I've just been a bit... busy.... ;)

Actually, that isn't entirely true... Life hasn't been particularly busier than usual, I have just been allowing myself to get lost in its details for a while. I find the pull of D/s and all its gifts a bit much sometimes, and since my expression in this world is clandestine, I can lose site of my reality at times.

I need it, and I know this, but I wanted to see if I could live without it. I needed to stand on my own for a while and find my footing again.

I am not good at balancing, I'm just not. I have come to accept this about myself. I'm not an all or nothing kinda gal, but I definitely swing for the bleachers every time I'm up at bat, and sometimes that is a bad thing.

I am easily consumed by all things dark and delicious which is in such stark contrast to my reality that the light can be unbearable, and that is what was happening. I know I am not alone in this, so many of you brave and beautiful souls have shared your stories, which have sustained me and others.. thank you for that...

I think I'm close though. Closer than I have been ever. Which is where my new toy fits snugly in. I purchased it as a sign of liberation in my everyday life, and much to my surprise, it was well received by my partner and offered us a tool with which to play reminding us that sex can be just that... play... I think things were getting to serious in that department. Everyday issues were being worked out in the bedroom and that is not such a good thing.

I purchased the Hitachi because it seems to be so popular and highly reviewed, although I have to say, I think it a bit much. I really thought I'd like it a lot more than I do. I guess nothing beats my amazingly talented fingers, so why try? ;)

If you please...

2010-04-17T05:08:00.000-07:00

Stop by Jayne's and visit the lovely place she has created.

femaleslavesandsubmissivewomen

A Community Directory of Female Slaves, Submissive Women, Their Masters and Mistress's

...tell her Dragonfly sent you ...

xo

>|<

teach me...

2010-04-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

What is it about teaching or being taught?
Giving direction or taking it?
Dominating and submitting?

Such powerful dynamics to explore and cherish.

In the past, I have found myself most often the student, the directee and the submissive, even the slave, however, things are changing. I understand how to be a submissive. I understand the endurance and strength it takes to become transparent, to let go of the ego's defenses, to bend to his will.

It seems, lately, that I have become a teacher or mentor of sort, and I question my nature, as this is something new for me. Perhaps it is my evolution, to move from one position to another, although I find myself most comfortable offering my knowledge and guidance from my place on the floor, kneeling at your reverence. But sometimes one has to rise to her feet and be the stabilizing force for her precious charge.

There is a great responsiblity when teaching. It's not about just providing facts or direction or guidance. It's about delving into another mind and listening not only to their quesitons, but to their desires and then deciding which stone to place next in their path. We all carry different baggage. Our views of the world may be similar, but they are seldom the same, so the one who is steering must ensure their heart and mind are pure.

I wonder if I can do this.

The next step...

2010-03-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

You have gently led her to this place. You have had many heartfelt discussions about the direction you would like to explore within your relationship. You have reassured her, answered all her questions, weathered her doubts and fears, and have have emerged together to take the next step. You have determined the methods with which you feel most comfortable employing, and have thoroughly examined your own feelings and motivation, and set a course for your journey together.

She is ready, fully trusting you to lead her on this path that will deepen and enrich your love for each other, and perhaps open doors within herself.You know that her gift of submission to you is truly precious and you vow to honor it with all your heart.

You extend your hand, she takes it, as you lead her to a place you have created for her. A place of beauty and safety, and love. She kneels before you, open to your will. You take a small length of soft jute and ask her to extend her wrists. You fasten them together, winding the rope around each and fastening in together, leaving a length of rope which you will hold. Your words are sparse and deliberate, lending the moment reverence.

You see a moment of panic flutter across her face. She is feeling the strength of the bond and her mind is not sure how to reconcile what her body experiences. You pull the rope close until your mouth is at her ear and you say,

"Do not fear. You are doing well, my love."

You hold her close and breathe with her as her anxiety passes through, her leaving her calm.

room for us all

2010-01-24T16:45:00.000-08:00

I am a submissive woman who needs to be dominated, and for a long time, I thought I was a freak. I thought I was alone. I didn't understand what I felt or why I felt it. I suffered in silence and built a wall around my true self, hating what I thought was the "monster" within. It took me a long time, and it wasn't until I was well into my adulthood that I dared share my true self with another.

And do you know what I found out?

I am not a monster, not even close, and I am not a freak, and the greatest realization of all was that I am not alone. In fact there were many many people like me, that felt the way I did, that also were afraid to face and share their feelings.

Through the blessed anonymity of the Internet, I was able to reach out to other like-minded folk and connect, and have made life long friends as a result. We can express who we are in the comfort of each others virtual arms and the acceptance and validation we have experienced has made us whole. There is no need to bury that part of ourselves anymore and we are better people in our lives.

I know the Internet has proven detrimental to some, and often to those who don't know how to properly use it or respect it, and it must be respected.

Connection is a gift. I am always careful never to do anything ever that might hinder this gift for another, and I am sad when I see people use the Internet to do exactly that. To hinder or hurt those who have chosen to interact anonymously by publishing their personal information in an effort to"out" them.

I am not going to go into detail about what I had seen or lead anyone to this place, because I think it is better left alone to perhaps just go away, but I think it's important that we remember to take care of each other in this world.

Doing things to harm each other will only bring back the isolation that hurt so many for so long. There is room for us all, and all of us deserve the gift of connection and respect.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year

2009-12-24T05:45:00.000-08:00

and don't forget to have some fun...

image from pornaments

Have a Very Happy Thanksgiving.. xo

2009-11-25T09:54:00.000-08:00

gobble gobble..

Whore!

2009-11-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

Such a powerful word.

I notice that when some women speak of a woman they don't particularly like, they refer to her as a whore and sneer showing their disdain for such a person. Having been called a whore, myself in the vanilla world, and in my beloved chocolate chip world, I raise an eyebrow the comment.

Why is a woman's sexual self called into question and judged when the issue at hand has nothing at all to do with her sex life? Why are people...why are women, so threatened by other women who exude even the smallest bit of sensuality?

Why is it so wrong to be a whore in one world, and so right to be a whore another?

my heart...

2009-10-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

I have had to make some decisions about my life and the direction in which it was going. It's ironic actually. The only way to find peace in my life is to deny myself the one thing that brings me peace. Sometimes true submission requires sacrifice of self for others. At least in my case this is proving to be true. If I am to serve the one I am committed to, then I can no longer serve the way my soul yearns to serve.

I can't compartmentalize. Not enough to find the peace I need to live. I need permission, I need to know that what I am doing is ok, that it is allowed. I need that as much as I need to be at His feet serving His needs, and I know that I will never be "allowed" or "permitted" to do so. I know that just asking the question will obliterate everything around me.

This is a puzzle, a conundrum that I have been trying to resolve for years and years. Maybe there is an answer, I'm sure there is, but it is not revealing itself to me, and I wonder if that is not the answer in itself. Maybe I'm not to know the answer or find it or live it. Maybe it's a big screaming message to me from the universe. I don't know...

What I do know is that my heart is very very heavy.

hey v'nilla

2009-10-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

You wonder why it's anti-climatic?

You still fuck with your cock, that's why.

You say the same thing to me
now
that you said to me decades
ago.

same cock.
same fuck.

nothing has changed.
nothing has evolved.

YOU have not
evolved, or at least
your cock has not.

Your erection should reach far beyond your fleshy cock
and into your mind finding your deepest darkest desires
and setting them free.

Let it.

Your mind is the biggest
juiciest cock of all and you are not
fucking me with it.

Instead of giving me
the wrath of your beastly brain,
you are teasing me
with you boyish bravado,
which will always be.

boyish.

and fall short.

I need a man.

Stop fucking
me with your cock,

and start fucking me
with your brain.

and then I will cum... and cum hard.

I need to use you and use you hard....

2009-08-24T10:09:00.001-07:00

That was the first message he sent that sent my heart soaring and my cunt clenching.

I need him to take me to that place only he knows the map to, and to guide me through its darkness to where my self hides. I need his hands and slaps and whispers and force. His breath in my ear, his teeth on my neck, his belt on my flesh. I spend a lot of time pretending I don't need these things, pretending that it doesn't matter. It's the only way I can exist peacefully in my world without him, but it is still just pretending.

Think of what I am going to do you and make yourself cum.. was the second message he sent.

And I obeyed...

Fingers circling the wet and wanton folds, my mind swirled with thoughts of his use. Of his forcing his cock deep into my throat, of his hands gripping my neck tighter and tighter rendering me helpless, rendering me His. Pushing and pulling my body to meet his needs and desires.

Fingers pinching and pulling hardened nipples, my mind swirled with thoughts of his use. Of his hand slapping my ass and cunt harder and harder with each blow as he tells me not to move, reveling in my inability to possibly obey such a command, and punishing me for that.

Thoughts swirling visions of deep forceful penetration, complete control of everything I am and will be, of crawling to his feet and begging for more, Master, more....

Yes, yes.... I need you to use your whore, Master and use use her hard.... please......

How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End

2009-08-06T05:50:00.000-07:00

How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End

by Vivian

an excerpt........

It’s a sad, but true, reality for those of us who want and need spankings in our relationships: most attempts at getting our partners to spank us fail. (Of course, given that most relationships in general fail, this is hardly a shocking piece of news.)

The internet is littered with spanking blogs that start full of promise and excitement (almost always written by women who want their partners to spank them), and are then abandoned weeks, months or in a few cases, years after they begin, when the spankings or the entire relationship have dwindled to nothing. Forums and online communities are full of posts from people (again, mostly women) who tried and failed to make spanking work with their partners. And I get emails regularly from men and women who started out great with their spanking partners—then things went horribly wrong.

When spanking in a relationship doesn’t work, both parties wind up discouraged and frustrated. She feels hurt, rejected and discouraged, and doesn’t understand why he let her down, and he feels like he did his best and doesn’t have a clue what he did wrong.

The common thread among most of these “un-success” stories seems to come down to one thing: that each partner comes to the experience with a radically different expectation of the place of spanking in the relationship.

More specifically, almost without exception, the spankee’s disappointment comes from her expectation that spanking will be as important to her partner as it is to her.

As her partner, you may be excited about the prospect of spanking her, or at the very least willing to explore it. And you may genuinely and with all your heart understand how important spanking is to her happiness and be willing to make it happen.

But the reality is that, unless you, as the spanker, were already interested in spanking before you came to the relationship, the odds are that spanking will probably not be anywhere near as important to you as it is to her (at least not at the beginning – as you begin to experience the benefits we talked about in the prior chapter, you may find spanking becomes very important to you).

For her, spanking is probably a huge part of who she is. For you, it’s more likely to be something that you occasionally enjoy and that may turn you on, but not something that you require for your happiness and well-being.

That means that, for example, you can probably give her a spanking, then put the whole thing aside and go on with your life without thinking about it at all for awhile. Not so for her.

For her, particularly once you’ve actually started spanking together, no matter how enthusiastically you spank in the moment, she will probably take this ability of yours to spank and move on as a sign that you aren’t really interested, that you think it’s stupid or boring, that you don’t care about her or that you don’t realize how important it is (or all of the above).

Most people who want spankings have a very difficult time understanding and accepting this dramatic difference in interest levels. Time and time again, I hear from women who are frustrated that their partner isn’t giving their spanking life together the same time, attention and enthusiasm that she is.

To make matters worse, this problem seems on the surface to be irresolvable. How can you possibly make yourself be as interested in spanking as someone who has been fantasizing (obsessing?) about it since they were a kid?

Don’t worry. I’m not going to tell you that you have to spend the same amount of time, energy and enthusiasm on spanking as your partner does for all of this to work. It’s probably not realistic that you will. While you can certainly come to appreciate spanking, ultimately spanking is her “thing,” not yours, and probably to some extent may always be. And while it is important in a relationship to give time and attention to what your partner wants, the reality is that it’s not fair or reasonable to expect that you will give spanking the same time and attention that your partner does.

To understand and be able to manage the dramatically different expectations the two of you will probably have with regard to spanking, you need to understand why she expects you to prioritize spanking the way she does. The more you understand her way of thinking, the easier it will be to give her what she wants without having to pretend to be someone you’re not.

So let’s look more closely at why your partner may expect you to care as much about spanking as she does.

First, much of this expectation on her part that you will make spanking a priority is built into the idea of spanking itself.

For many of us, a large part of the appeal of spanking is that it takes us back to the safety of childhood, when (in reality or in fantasy) a loving parent made us the center of their universe and made our needs their first priority. This perfect, attentive parent (who in almost all cases is probably more of a fantasy than a reality) always paid attention to what we were doing, always cared enough to teach us right from wrong and always spanked us when we needed it, no matter what else they were doing at the time.

Rationally, we all know that even the best parents aren’t that consistent in their attention, and that most parents fall far short of this utopian ideal. But the need and desire for spankings isn’t rooted in rationality. It’s rooted in deep and unfulfilled primal needs for that kind of love, consistency and attention. (That’s one of the reasons why it goes so much deeper than a simple “fetish.”)

This connection of spanking to an unmet, primal need to be loved and protected by a parent is why it’s natural and understandable that your partner will expect—consciously or subconsciously—that same level of consistency, attention and devotion from you when it comes to spanking. Especially once she has part of the fantasy – the spankings themselves – it’s easy for her to get caught up in the experience and expect the other part of the fantasy – the consistent and single-minded attention.

Of course, your partner isn’t a child, and even if she were, most children don’t get anywhere near that level of consistent love and attention. Which means that her expectations, however understandable, are probably not going to be something that you – or anyone – can realistically fulfill.

The second reason your partner may expect you to care as much about spanking as she does is quite simply that, when we love and care about somebody and they love and care about us, we often expect them to have the same priorities that we do.

This is, of course, a common source of tension in any relationship, spanking or not. She expects him to care as much about having kids as she does, and when he doesn’t, she feels betrayed. Or he doesn’t understand why she’s not thrilled that he’s presented her with two courtside seats to see his favorite basketball team on their anniversary. Maybe she wants him to spend a romantic weekend in Paris because it’s her favorite city, but he wants her to prefer to go camping with him because the outdoors is where he feels most at home. And so on and so on.

Spanking is no exception. Because she wants and needs it so much, it’s understandable that she would expect and want you to feel the same way.

The third major reason your partner may be expecting more from you when it comes to spanking than you are realistically willing or able to give is that women tend to expect men to care more about maintaining the relationship in general than men are willing or able to do.

The same part of her that expects you to: remember her birthday, Valentine’s Day, the anniversary of your first date, your engagement anniversary and your wedding anniversary, notice that she’s wearing new shoes, cut her hair, lost five pounds, is wearing a new shade of eyeliner, be happy about taking time off during an important project at work to go away for the weekend, spend the night at a romantic restaurant with her instead of at the hockey game, cuddle her after sex and help choose the flowers for the wedding… is the part of her that expects you to care as much about spanking as she does.

Most women in particular don’t want to hear this, but as a man, you will probably never give the same time and attention to your relationship that a woman does, and fighting that is likely to do nothing more than cause pain and frustration on both sides in an otherwise good and loving relationship.

Not surprisingly, the reason for this difference in priorities goes back to that “lizard brain” of ours. You remember that brain, right? The one that hasn’t changed as much as we’d like to think since caveman days, when men’s primary function was to go out and get meat for their families, and women’s primary function was to hang out at the cave with the other women, cook the meals, raise the kids and foster connections to family and community?

For the past several millennia, right up until now, then, the primary responsibility for maintaining the emotional and relationship ties to the family and community has fallen to the female. And again, remember, just a few decades of politically correct egalitarian philosophies are no match for millions of years of primal instinct. In short, men expect to bring home the bacon. They don’t expect to have to talk about feelings while it’s being prepared.

Okay, so it’s fairly easy to see why your partner may go into all this spanking stuff with unrealistic expectations. But short of rearranging your entire life to accommodate her spanking passions, what’s to be done about it?

The good news here is that once you understand what it is that she really wants from you with regard to spanking, there are some easy, specific ways of signaling to her that you haven’t abandoned her – ways that you can use without having to devote excessive time and energy to filling her spanking needs.

In this chapter, we’re going to step through the seven things that are most important to your partner when it comes to spanking. We’ll also talk about the most common ways that your partner is likely to feel disappointed by a spanking. And finally, we’ll talk about some easy, low-maintenance ways of fulfilling her expectations, avoiding disappointments and experiencing spanking as a way to enrich your relationship–all without forcing you to make spanking a major priority in your life.

So let’s look at her first spanking desire…

For more information about purchasing this book, click here to visit Variant Books website!

Picture This....

2009-08-06T05:28:00.000-07:00

Sitting next to him in your bedroom, nestled in the warm crook of his arm, your cheeks are still a bit damp from the happy tears shed moments ago. You soak up this moment reveling in its relief and smile at the courage it took you to not only admit to yourself your desire to be spanked, but to take the steps necessary to bring this into your reality. You had read the first book, "How to Get the Spanking You Want", and followed Viv's advice, working through your issues and fears before finally telling him, Honey, I need to be spanked. You remember the puzzled look on his face at first, and love him all the more for listening to and reading along with you, truly making an effort to understand what you needed. You feel incredibly blessed to have such a loving man in your life.

As he holds his beautiful girl, he feels proud of you for being honest and completely opening up to him. He loves you with all his heart and realizes he has never felt closer to you than he does at this very moment. He is moved by the look of peace on your face and loves and that he had some part in that peace existing. He vows in his mind to do the best he can to give you what you need.

He sighs, and thinks, "Ok, now what?"

Well, now you print out Viv's companion book, "How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End," and continue the journey together!

"If your partner has shared with you a desire to be spanked, congratulations. Whether you realize it yet or not, you have just been given a great gift. Several, in fact."

Once again Viv presents an amazing step by step guide written for the couple looking to explore the wonderful world of consensual spanking.

"The love, trust and intimacy that can develop between a couple when spankings are part of the relationship is often deeper, richer, and more lasting than almost any other type of bond between two people."

Viv explains to the spanker the psychology behind their partner's needs as well as the untapped potential waiting for them that consensual spanking can bring about. Her engaging words ease the reader into fully understanding how to deliver what their partner has asked of them and addresses many of issues that may arise.

"If you can learn to give your partner the spankings she wants, you will be among a small, elite, and deeply appreciated group of men who have a skill and an understanding into the female heart that few possess."

I think Viv's books are an excellent resource, and I wish I could have read them years ago, when I was just beginning to come to terms with my own needs and desires. Viv explains the dynamic between a consensual spanking couple by dissecting the components involved so one can truly understand and overcome any doubt or fear. She helps the reader understand why they feel they way they do rather than just saying that it's just the way one is 'wired' as much of the literature out there does. Her words are incredibly validating and her perspective and advice is something with which I can relate.

Look for an excerpt here tomorrow!

For more information about purchasing this book, click here to visit Variant Books website!

Where the door will never close.

2009-08-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

Walking uphill in a storm
of your own creation
fighting to keep the wind and rain
from stinging your face,

the sun shines bright and beautifully for those you scorn,

It is your own shadow you fear,
your own tail you chase,
your own self-hatred that you choke upon
your own darkness that keeps the light from your soul.

It is the blood from your own forehead
dripping into your clouded eyes you see,
the wound caused by your constant ramming
into your own closed door.

I will pray for you,
and hope that one day you can live peacefully,
with open windows and soft breezes,
and thrive in a safe home

where the door will never close.

Nowhere, really.

2009-07-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

I spent the morning, alone, doing things women do when they are alone. Things they don't necessarily speak about. Nothing kinky or exciting, actually, just basic human grooming. Ensuring every inch of skin is clean, smooth and soft. Removing any possible detraction for the observer so he may fully appreciate the beauty of the body entire.

It's not an easy thing to do necessarily. In fact, if someone were to peer into my boudoir window on such occasion I'm sure I'd hear them chuckle as I contort and bend my body to ensure perfection.. or or maybe that's just me. Who knows? I don't usually bring up these matters with friends over lunch.

I'm in a funny place in my head.

I feel like I am fighting for every breath I take. I am much more at peace in the rare silence of my world, and in quiet of my mind. It's where I can be who I truly am and where my thoughts are free to roam. It's when I have to actually be who I am in this life, that I find myself choking.

Matching the inside to the outside seems impossible these days, which is probably why I decided to spend the whole morning perfecting the flesh. It's easier to examine one's outside then it is to examine one's inside, no? And the truth is, I know the answer to the question asked time and time again.

Where am I going?

Nowhere, really.

Introducing....

2009-07-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

A new site that I think you will enjoy.

Sexual Dynamics: Memoirs of a Discerning Dom

The Discerning Dom has an incredible insight into the lives we try so hard to understand. I can't wait to read more.

Stop by and visit.. Tell him dragonfly sent you .. xoxo

Cossisng over

2009-07-08T05:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I decided we needed a break from the beach and I did some much needed housework. I had the television on in the background to help ease my (ahem) love of cleaning, and also to watch the Michael Jackson memorial bonanza.

I was shocked.

No, this isn't going to be about MJ, although I thought it a very nice service, and if you missed any part of it, just turn on the tele right now and guaranteed some portion of it is airing again.

I was shocked by 2 commercials. The advertisement for these items wasn't something we haven't seen thousands of times. A phony scenario that is supposed to represent a typical life, a demonstration of how their product will make your life spectacular, followed by the repetitive drone of the announcer telling you how to get this product immediately. These products do not spin your salad or organize your closet, they are sexual enhancing items.

The Flirty Girl Work Out complete with "fitness pole."

Really? A "fitness pole?" So when someone comes into my home and sees my ~~stripper~~ fitness pole, and when the horror and shock settles on their face, I can whip out my DVD and say, "How do you like my Flirty Girl Fitness Pole? It's how I keep my girlish figure!" Cool!!!

And how about the little "fingertip massager" from Trojan? Looks a lot like this, no?

I recommend you watch this commercial which is on the above posted link for the product. I love the way the snooty bank teller informs the young girls that she has one. It reminded me of the start of a porno flick that could have been categorized as "mature lesbian threesome" or something like that, and are women really "afraid" of talking about sexual devices? I am also curious to know what she whispered to her friend.

I really loved how these items were thrown right out there in the daylight and commercially normalized. I can't wait to see what will cross over next!!

Maybe this?

Or this???

How to Get the Spanking You Want

2009-06-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

"How to Get the Spanking You Want"
by Vivian

"... the need for a spanking is usually a much deeper and more insistent need than just a passing fantasy that didn't turn out well. In fact, it might be more accurate to compare our need to be spanked with our sexual orientation."

I had the pleasure of reading this book, and offer you the following review:

In this book, Vivian presents a very realistic approach for the submissive person to bring into their reality that which they may have felt impossible to attain. She discusses the internal and external aspects and obstacles of acquiring and providing adult spanking. It is written for the submissive who yearns for this experience yet does not know how to affect it in her life.

"If you aren't able to love and accept the part of you that wants and needs spankings, you're not going to be able to relax enough to communicate as clearly and specifically as you'll need to to get the spanking you want, and what's more, your partner won't feel safe or comfortable spanking you. "

She addresses the important issues to be considered when exploring this journey with a partner. Vivian gently leads you through each step of the process, and helps you sort through what it is you need, how to approach your partner and how to get the spanking you desire.

"Getting your partner to spank you requires learning to communicate honestly and clearly and maturely about your spanking needs."

Overall, this book addresses everything from sitting in your boudoir fantasizing about being over his knee to actually being over his knee and beyond. This is an excellent reference for those coming to terms with these desires and looking to bring them into their reality, and for those who are currently practicing adult spanking with their partner.

For more information about purchasing this book, click here to visit Variant Books website!

Rules

2009-05-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

When I was first "discovered" by a Master who was Gorean influenced, he had me write rules that I was to follow. He had given me general guidelines about what he wanted and then I was to craft 10 that embodied his wishes. This is what I wrote and followed during our time together:

1) i will never manipulate Master. i will not make a scene go the way i feel it should to fulfill my own desire or will. i will not undermine what my Master is seeking to accomplish and i will never push my ego ahead of his agenda.

3.) i will not let my fear overwhelm me and i will keep an open mind about trying things that i am not comfortable with and expanding my limits. i will have complete faith in what Master wants for me and i will continue to grow as a slave and as a human being.

4.) i will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will always be mindful of his wishes and desires. i will always do my best to fulfill these, and to always be found pleasing. i will not question his position of authority.

5.) i will not allow myself to be harmed or abused, even by myself. i will communicate my fears, concerns and preferences at appropriate times and in a respectful manner and i will speak up quickly if i feel that genuine harm or distress could occur.

6.) i will be completely open and responsive to my Master. i will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that he may realize full authority over me. i know that He is not a telepath, and i will not expect him to know thoughts or feelings. i will volunteer information and provide feedback without being prompted to do so. He expects me to share my heart and soul, therefore i will.

7.) i know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way. i will not intentionally embarrass or displease my Master and i will always act worthy of him. i will wear my title of slave with honor, and i will never cause others to think that being slave means to be weak or sub-human. i will take pride in who and what i am and will never show myself in a negative way. i will always carry myself in a way that would make Master proud.

8.) i will always be obedient to my Master. i realize he has my best interests at heart and often knows better than i what i need in a particular situation. i will not resist.

9.) When there is a doubt about an instruction or clarity is needed, i will ask. Master will determine whether or not to answer. i will never be punished for asking a question respectfully.

10.) i will always use my intelligence to fulfill Master's requirements. i will actively keep my mind sharp and continue learning. i will keep myself challenged intellectually by reading and other activities and i will hone my intuitive skills so that i may better serve Master's will. i will not become cognitively lazy and complacent.

I still live by these rules even though I am no longer with the Gorean Master as I believe them to be a healthy foundation for a slave.

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

Dearest, sweet anonymous....

2009-05-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

She asks....

I have only just begun my training following a long intense and passionate verbal courting. We have shared our commitment as master husband and submissive wife to be together in all things as we explore this new life together. Only the past few days he has been distant, many things on his mind. I feel cut off, insecure, yet I stride to master my emotions and paranoia. Is this part of my training? He is very busy with family issues. Perhaps this is merely the vanilla part of the life we straddle between normal and master and submissive? Should I relax, be silent, patient? He is so strong, and I want to be there for him, but I do not wish to overstep my sub bounds. Should I be worried? Thoughts are greatly appreciated.

I have written these words myself at one time or another...

In fact, the insecurity still creeps in when I'm not under his direct attention. I wonder why is it he loves me so? What is it about me that makes him want to own my body, mind heart and soul? I try to see what he sees in me, but it's hard.

The one thing I have learned is that sometimes (vanilla) life just gets in the way, and when we are able to resume our relationship I realize that all the insecurity and all the doubt I felt was completely unfounded and just in my head, and I vow never to let it creep back in again.... yet I do...Luckily I have some wonderful friends who are always willing to screw on my wonky head when it falls off.

Have faith in what you have with your Master. Know that his words are true, and remain true even when he is not with you. Try your best to remain calm and patient, and focus on doing things you know will please him. If he is under stress or burdened in some way, think of ways you can ease this for him and bring him peace. Put your energy into these things, and not into the insecurity feeding on this temporary silence.

Keep reaching out, sweet anonymous girl....we are here for you... and I promise it will all be alright, and you are not alone.

The Real Thing...

2009-05-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

Thank you for participating in the poll, and thank you, Cleo, for the mention on your blog.

It looks as if what we mostly seek real life D/s encounters on the web. I agree and read many sites written by folks living the lifestyle full time. (Thanks for sharing!)

Most of us at one point or another, need to put our kink aside and go forth into the vanilla world, whether it is to work, or food shop or attend a meeting at a child's school. In fact many of us express our kink in secrecy, hidden from our friends and family, and even our spouses.

I have had the pleasure of meeting in real life like kinky folk from the net. Some have been other writers of sites, and some have been avid readers. What fascinates me most about them when we meet is hearing about their vanilla lives. What they do for a living, where they live, about their children, that sort of thing. In fact, it seems we hardly talk about "kink" at all, and the conversation is quite typical of any random conversation one could have with someone during the day, yet I am utterly fascinated because I know......

I know what they do when they go home and leave their typical lives at the door and enter their private dungeons. I know that they spend their evenings either spanking or being spanked clad in leather while the children sleep. I have read blow by blow accounts of their most illustrious sexual encounters. I know what makes them cum and why and how many times.

It is also quite validating to know that there are others like myself out there.

What are you looking for?

2009-04-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

I am always looking for ways to enhance our world...

I have created a little poll over there on the sidebar, in which I hope you will take a moment to vote.

I am curious about what it is you want out here in the big world wide web. Where does your cursor go first? What juicy tidbits do you seek?

I know for myself my desires have evolved over the years and I don't frequent the places I once did. I also know that there are a few places I could not live without!

In other news I have started another series on Dragonfly Geisha called The Bride, which I hope you will find titillating and perhaps even cum worthy... I'm not sure how far the series will go, I have to say I am having a great deal of fun with little Emmaline, and the ideas for her... erotic evolution are flooding my mind (and my panties).

I am finishing up the book and have started the editing process... (as the layers of this tale continue to unfold, truly having a life of it's own)...

xo
>|<

Dear Uncle Agony...

2009-04-21T05:26:00.000-07:00

A wonderful friend of mine, Pygar, has recently started a new site called Uncle Agony. When I first saw the title I thought for sure it was a place where he was going to share with us his more sadistic tendencies!

Apparently, Pygar had been receiving a great deal of mail from folks seeking advice and support and he thought it time to share. I think it's a brilliant idea, and am a huge proponent of sharing stories.

And here I thought I was the only one who went running to him with my tears....

Shoe

2009-04-19T04:55:00.000-07:00

I think what bothered me the most about that stranger's phone call is that her sentiment was something I harbor about myself in the darkest corner of my mind. It was unnerving to have it wrenched out into the open and recorded on my cell phone. Even though her voice was unknown to me, the words were not. In fact, the words she used are words, when said to me by another, would send me zooming in so many ways. Maybe it was the way she took those precious words and used them to spew her hatred.

We are often hardest on ourselves in life. Far more punishing than even the cruelest Master, which is why I think we seek that external control at times. I have often said to Him that I pray his dominant strength is stronger than the sadist in my head. I work very hard to control those thoughts. I don't mean to insinuate that I am self-loathing, but I am a bit of a perfectionist, and tend to demand that of myself. I will not accept limits for achievement, and know that I can always do better.

Sometimes it's best to just ride out the emotion and then move on, and that's what I am doing about that mysterious call.

I do feel, however, as if the other shoe is going to drop... let's just hope it's not one by Vivienne Westwood, and not dropped on my head.

Thank you for your kind words of reassurance and love.

10 seconds...

2009-04-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

That is how long it took for a stranger to throw my world into a tail spin. One message, a venomous, angry message from an anonymous stranger letting me know how much hatred I have inspired in them. So much so, they found it necessary to call me and tell me, or leave a message for me to find. I truly can't imagine who would say such a thing to me, but it was someone I know because they said my real name. I can't imagine why they would say what they said, since I am a fairly private person, and certainly keep my vanilla and chocolate chip mint lives quite separate, but perhaps I've been careless. I don't know. I just know that I feel threatened and wounded and frightened.

But I guess that was the point... sigh....

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T14:44:00.001-07:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-13T19:38:00.001-08:00

Brava Peggy...

Pencils Ready!!

2009-02-01T05:35:00.000-08:00

It's always a good thing to learn more about yourself and your relationships, especially those involved in the D/s realm.

I am often fascinated by the fact that there is always a HUGE body of people out there with whom I share similar thoughts and experiences, especially when I felt as if I was the only one out there like me. I think about how great it would have been if I had some way to access information all those years ago to understand myself better.

One thing the Internet has most certainly taught me is that I am not alone..

So... in the spirit of knowledge and sharing, I offer you some informative links I have found

Submissive Loving

This site is very informative and covers a variety of topics for both the Dominant and the submissive. It's often a good idea to read both perspectives regardless of the role you assume in your relationship to gain insight and understanding of your partners experiences.

Her Owner

I particularly like these articles for new Dom:

How to train your slave...

Education

I like this site a great deal. It is great a great source with lots of information. The articles are crisp and concise and the advice sound.

oh, and it has great cartoons... love these!!!

Perfect for those of us who love to pore over the Sunday comics with our cuppas!

And last, but certainly not least...

The lustful quality of watching her erotic demise

Deity gently takes you by the hand and leads you through the wonderful labyrinth that is his salaciously brilliant mind. Each purposeful word he carefully crafts excites, informs and educates.

I especially like his posts on training.

Treat yourself and peruse!

I would love to hear what you think of these resources. Feedback is most certainly always welcome, and please let me know of other resources out there you think would be good! I will collect these and put a section on the sidebar for referencing.

Happy reading... xoxo

and...

Class... Dismissed!!!

And for the record...

2008-12-10T03:04:00.000-08:00

If I were so lucky to receive this gift from Santa Timberlake, I would be pretty thrilled!!!!!

hee hee

Yin and Yang

2008-12-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

I don't consider myself having fetishes.

I am just me.

I enjoy connecting with others, feeling their power and strength and vulnerability and pleasure. I have explored both my dominant and submissive side, as I feel both exist, and are prominent in turn.

I don't believe anyone is purely anything. To let go of the ego is to evolve and this is done on both sides, dominant and submissive. Offering someone a safe haven so that they can fully let go and trust, and to know that you have been a conduit to their deeper sense of self is an amazing human gift.

I think it's about connection. Deep meaningful connection that transcends the flesh and delves into the darkest corners of the mind and soul. We crave it, and cannot access it alone.

But this connection is fluid, and ever changing, which is hard sometimes to reconcile in a world we have come to create filled with rules and protocols. It doesn't fit, and it causes us to wonder, can it truly exist at all? Is what we have come to believe our chosen reality, our way of life just an illusion?

Life is constantly changing and unpredictable for all of us. The only true safety is the safety we feel in the moment we are in, if we happen to be experiencing it at all. It is always in motion, and will not adhere to rules or protocol or lifestyles we fashion.

It's the Yin and Yang of our lives.

*sigh*

So what is a girl to do?

Assume the Position! TVCCM Task #5

2008-11-17T15:12:00.000-08:00

David Sharp from A View from the Top so very kindly sent me this task to try:

When he begins making love to you, reach your hands and arms above your head. Entwine your hands in the bars of the headboard, or tucked between the headboard and the mattress, or simply reach out to each corner of the bed and take a tight grip on the sheets. Keep your hands/arms in place through the entire session of intimacy. If questioned, simply say, take what you will, or I am fully open for you, or I offer no resistance, or a similar phrase that will convey your sense of surrender and submission

Thank you, David for the task! It is an excellent suggestion and quite inspiring.

Another position to consider when offering your sexual submissiveness to your lover is placing your arms behind your back as if they are cuffed or tied. This is most effective if you are on top or servicing him orally.

Being on your knees, offering him full access to you lovely body, attending to his pleasure are all things that show him you are yearning to be his slut, to be used at his will. Physically assuming these positions is a powerful message, and even if he doesn't fully pick up on the submissive vibe you are emitting, and take full control of his girl, these positions will help you achieve that subbie state of mind you crave and need.

Give it a try....

And.. please, visit A View from the Top!

photo by Paul Banner

Please...

2008-10-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

Loving Sub tragically lost her husband and Master a few days ago...

She needs our love and support... Please visit her and share some kind words.

Thank you...

Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip

2008-10-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

Task #4

Do it with food...

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.. actually it's through his chest with a knife.. (sorry, having a moment)... ;) But all kidding aside...

Why not cook Him a very special meal?

There are few more caring acts then preparing, presenting, and serving a meal that you have carefully created with your loving hands.

The goals for this task are to demonstrate to your potential Dom:

your desire to please them
your willingness to go out of your way to do so
your creativity in achieving this

I realize most of us have families and probably cook at least once a day to feed our beloved, and I am a firm believer in a family dining together in the evenings. Sometimes it's the only time of the day everyone can actually sit down and connect, and doing this once a day hardly seems enough, but with our busy lives, it will have to do.

So how do you make Him a special dinner and feed a family?

Here are some ideas:

1. Try something new.

Make his favorite dish or venture beyond your usual dinnertime repertoire. Maybe make something from his favorite restaurant, or something that is only eaten on special occasions. It will show him that you have been thinking of him and that you want to please him. If the rest of the family does not share his mature palate, you make them a little something different. I rely on good ole mac and cheese for those nights, and my kids are very thankful.

2. Feed the kids first.

It's hard to keep the kids out of the snacks after school, and sometimes dinner time is delayed. Make your special meal for him to be eaten when he gets home and feed the kids their dinner earlier. To maintain that family connection time, let the kids eat dessert while you are eating your dinner. Have them dive into a nice bowl of fresh fruit and yogurt while they tell you all about their day, and whisper in your spouse's ear that his dessert will be given in private.

When we do this, the kids are usually in great moods because their bellies are full and they are eating dessert! This will also allow you some private time to spend with him over dinner and for you to fully dedicate your attention to him.

3. Plan a late night dinner by the fire.

Share a salad while the kids eat their dinner to maintain your family time and stave away some hunger pangs, and when they are all tucked safely in their beds, set up your private dinner fire side, or any romantic spot in your home. Don't forget the candles which might also lead to some fun with wax!

4. Plan a whole evening without the kids, maybe on weekend when their grandparents are yearning to indulge them.

And if you are lucky enough to find yourself in this situation, then go all out. How about a lovely naked slave girl serving dinner to her masterful Master, or how about the dinner being served on the lovely naked slave girl? Choose foods that can be fed to him by your gorgeously sexy fingers. Lobster, is great for this.. and what is sexier than a drip or two of melted butter running down a tummy for a luscious tongue to chase? Yum...

It's okay to be playful. Remember, you are trying to change a dynamic between the two of you, and people will only change when they feel secure and calm. Engaging in the D/s dynamic is a wonderful experience, and much of it is established through play, meaning out of the confines of our everyday life and responsibilities... so play... ;)

And last, but not least & a disclaimer....

Do not get mad at him or upset if he is late for the special dinner you made. (Something I have to remind myself of and why I began this post with that comment).

Just think how you will even further you goal if he sees you made him a special meal, and didn't flip out when he came home late to eat it! He will see that he has a loving, caring and graceful submissive woman he will want to ravage later in the bedroom...

These tasks are designed to improve your relationship with your vanilla spouse and whom you are trying to engage in some D/s activity. They are about establishing trust and laying a secure foundation so that your desires will be welcomed and recognized.

These things takes time and understanding. I do not purport that doing these things will instantly change your relationship, but they will help your mindset and perhaps the mindset of your spouse.

Please do not think these are things designed for solely a submissive woman to use with her potentially Dominant male partner. I appreciate there are many differences among us and these are ideas that can be adapted for all couple configurations. The only reason I phrase them in this way is because I am sharing with you my experiences and this is the context in which they exist.

and... please... give feedback!! It helps everyone!!!

good luck and Mange!

A question ...

2008-10-19T07:57:00.001-07:00

misskisshard asked a question on the Dom-Free Zone that I'd like to share here as well.

She asks:

Would you mind sharing with me your first full scene with your first Dom? i am about to serve my first Dom for the first time in a few days and i would love to hear other's first-time stories.

It would also be wonderful to hear from a Dominant's perspective as well, if you would be so kind.

Thank you!
xo

Hey Sista...

2008-10-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

I picked you a pumpkin...

Flattery will get you nowhere...

2008-10-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Well, actually, flattery will get you a link to your post.

Pygar has asked the question:

What is the difference between a 24/7 domestic discipline relationship and domestic abuse?

Having experience in both these realms, and speaking to so many others who have as well, I replied:

There are many differences between the dynamics, and I have spoken to folks in both situation, professionally and privately... and the very very short version (as I do not want to hog up all your space!) is this:

DD/D-s etc. is a mutually agreed upon dynamic in which personal and relational growth and strength are the impetus and goal.

Domestic Violence is when one mentally unstable individual exerts control and violence toward the other to diminish them on all personal levels.

And this is just the very tip of the "how they are so very different" iceberg.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and there can be DV involved in DD and DD in DV.... But the key is to look at the submissive in the relationship.. is she aglow with happiness, joy and emotional fulfillment? Or is she a shell of a human being barely able to survive?

And then he responded (and please note the incredibly kind flattery):

Dearest Dragonfly

Your wisdom is as great as your legendary beauty! ;) You are welcome to hog as much space on this blog as you wish.

But having given such a full answer I'm not sure there is much more for any of us to add!

To try to maintain and develop the discussion a little though I wonder if the exemplars you give of the difference between DD/D-s and Domestic violence are describing each end of the scale - but that there can be a gray area in the middle where all is not so clear.

However your analysis of the difference is very sharp.

I wondered still though how one can tell from the outside - and again you give us such a good answer - to look at the sub herself. But again - I wonder if on a day to day basis many subs are slightly less than aglow with happiness! Every relationship has its ups and downs.

But in reality I find it hard to quibble with anything you have said.

So what say you sisters? Has there been a time in your life when you were caught in this gray area or Domestic Violence vs. D/s? What helped you understand what you were experiencing? How did you resolve this within your life? And a question I dread asking... Is anyone out there wondering what realm in which they currently exist?

i just love her...

2008-09-19T18:13:00.001-07:00

We are coming up on our anniversary,my sister and I. It was about a year ago she opened her heart to me and let me in and I was reluctant and even scared. I'm not used to that, you see, and feared her openness. But there is something you must know about my sister. She is tenacious. Oh, is she tenacious. And I'm thankful she was and is...

She is such an amazingly beautiful human being, and offered me a place in a world that meant everything to her. She took that risk, and she trusted me, and in that, she gave me the most precious gift any one can give, love, and I love her.. more than love her.. adore her....

I hope she knows that I know what she offered me, and I hope that she knows how much I appreciate her gift to me then, and everyday since.

MJ, You are an amazing woman, and I truly love you. Thank you for giving me a soft place to lay my head when troubled. Thank you for always being my friend and being my sister. I strive to be worthy of your love, I truly do. You have impacted me and my life in so many ways, and I hope to one day sit and tell you all these ways. No matter where I am or what I am doing I know I can reach out to you and you are there, thank you for that....

I love you so very much...

Where have you been?

2008-06-28T06:37:00.000-07:00

Good question... for me..

Here, now...

I have recently been thinking about control. Control is the driving force of the D/s dynamic. There are many other elements, such as trust, and devotion, love and obedience, and many more, but the first brick laid in the building of the D/s foundation is control.

Growing up in a chaotic household fraught with addiction and mental illness I learned at a very young age that control was something one must acquire very early on and cleave to for survival, even in the smallest measure. Usually that started with things about oneself, since controlling those around, who have a great deal of authority and power was impossible. As much as the chaos tried to infringe upon my being, it could never fully permeate unless I allowed it to do so, and I did not. And so the seed was planted.

Of course this is how I survived the chaos and emerged fairly unharmed, however as I grew up the thing that helped me survive was then turning into the element of my demise. Controlling needs boundaries or it will grow like poison ivy, invading thoughts and feelings, and eventually relationships until all it touches is infected with its toxin. It also traps. If one is busy controlling, or trying to control all that surrounds, then one can never rest or let go, becoming a prisoner as well as the Warden. And, let me tell you... it's exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Imagine never feeling safe enough to let yourself breathe...

I believe many of us inclined to the D/s dynamic have similar issues in this area, which is why D/s is so attractive, and needed in our lives. We need to reorganize how control exists in our lives and we need to find the peace offered in the safety felt when we let it go (if indeed we can).

For me, control is not something I easily give up. I am a chronic topping from the bottomer even in the most subtle of ways. I have come to realize that I need it wrenched from my grip by someone I have learned over time to trust and admire and love. To be captured as the need to have it is tethered by primal ancient survival instincts that do not respond to logic and reason, and I need to have a secure comfort zone created that would keep the demons at bay.

Sounds impossible, eh? I'm starting to believe it just may be...

I'm glad....

2008-05-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

I'm glad you ended it, although it hurt my ego. I tried to end it before, (remember?) but you weren't ready to accept it, even though you did everything to push me away. So, you needed to pull me back and play out your drama to finally let me go. I knew it all along, because I knew what I was capable of doing and not doing and told you this several times. But you weren't ready to hear me, and now you have accepted that I can never be with you. The truth is, if I loved you enough, I would have been with you already. You weren't acting worthy of the sacrifice I was about to make. It was all just about physicality with you, and I need more. You hurt my ego, it sucks to be dumped, but I knew you would never leave me alone unless you did the dumping. I'm not going to write to you, so if you want to write to me, then so be it. But this is all I have to say on the matter and I chose to do it here. I can't be honest with you, you don't allow honesty in your world, and I don't want to be in your world any more...

good bye!

Insanity

2008-05-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I embarked on a journey with a Master who plucked me out of my dismal obscurity and generously offered me his hand. He showed me a world I never knew existed outside of my deepest darkest fantasies and he seemed to understand me as I have never been understood. He showed me the beauty and power in the world all around, and how magic exists even in a paper strip. He taught me about the mystique and wonder of the dragonfly and sent messages of love to me on its wings. He opened my eyes, my heart, my soul and my mind. He breathed life into a girl who was waiting to die... And when I was securely in his grasp, and placed in his palm my mind, my body, my heart and soul, pledging myself to him forever, he let me go. He just disappeared without warning. He left me alone in the dark and only pain and anguish remained where joy and love had been.

It almost killed me, truly it did, and I am still in agony over him, although not as much as I had been. But I think about him, and what was and what could have been every day of my life, and I suppose I will until my dying day. He once told me his mark upon my soul was indelible, and I had thought that such a blessing at the time.

I realize, now, after so much more heartbreak with others, I have just been chasing something that was so unfairly ripped away from my life. He is gone. Master is gone. Forever. I think it's time to come to terms with the fact that the journey that was offered, the gift that was given, so briefly to me, was just a moment in time that has now passed. I think it's time to let it go, and to find a way to put this part of me to rest someway. I know how often folks say that it's impossible to do so, that once one is awakened to this part of themselves and their soul set free that they can no longer live any other way; however, I find having hope that I will ever be able to resume my journey quite impossible, and perhaps the only way for me to find peace in this world is to let it go.. to just let the hope and the journey go...

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
~ Albert Einstein ~

I'm not a switch....

2008-05-08T20:30:00.001-07:00

But I might just change my mind....

yum....

A question from Anonymous... and some answers...

2008-05-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint":

This is good for those who are seeking to bring out the Dom in their spouse.

My challenge though is to bring out the sub in my vanilla wife!

Any suggestions or blogs that would be helpful?

Thanks,

I have been thinking about this question for a few days , Anonymous, and I hope to offer you some sound advice.

There is one person I know who often writes about shifting the dynamic between a man and a woman to represent the D/s dynamic a bit more, although his family has adopted the "Head of Household" structure. I would suggest reading his site as well since much of what I was thinking of writing could be found there in abundance!

What seems to come to the forefront of my mind when I think about what would give a vanilla wife some flavor has to do with what happens outside of the bedroom since women connect everything in their world (and men tend to compartmentalize).

In order for a woman to feel submissive to her husband, she must feel safe and secure in his presence. She must feel that he will protect her and care for her no matter what happens. It is in this security that she is able to let go of her ego and submit to his will. Ways to ensure her security are through love and consistency. You need to be dependable and she needs to see that you say what you mean and mean what you say.

In talking to so many women in my life, I believe that we all, vanilla and otherwise, look for these qualities in a man. We swoon at his strength and charisma no matter what his orientation. To me, domination is more about providing that secure world in which I feel at peace and can submit. It is more about dominating the elements around me than me. A good dominant is like a master gardener, making sure the earth has been properly tilled, the seeds planted and tended and the elements controlled so the blooms can emerge and offer pleasure to all who gaze upon them.

In my own experience, what attracted me so strongly to my (vanilla) husband was his ability to command a room and take charge with his wit and charm, and always making me feel I was attended to and cared for. It is an amazing feeling when your man walks across a room of people to close a window because he notices your rubbing your arms because you are cold without a word spoken, just a loving wink as he goes to back to attend the guests. It showed me that he is always caring for me, that I am always his. I remember the feeling of intoxicating warmth that flooded my body and soul when that happened, and now understand it to be those lovely submissive feelings I long to swim in.

Sadly, what happened over the years is that this dynamic wasn't nurtured or honored (we were so very young) and with it's inconsistency, it eventually diminished and resentment filtered through. What I long to do is to restore our dynamic to what it was because I now understand what it means and what it could be. I'm still working on it.

I hope this was helpful, dearest Anonymous, and if anyone would like to offer more advice about how to add some flavor, please do so!

xo

# 5 What would you ask other like-minded people about their D/s practices?

2008-05-03T14:26:00.000-07:00

how do you get your HOH to understand and really get it.
I am always interested in the level of commitment in D/s relationships. I am very committed and exclusively submissive to Him. It seems though, that others often just play at it with several partners. I do not think I could achieve a proper level of submission to satisfy my tendencies, wih more than one Dom.
About general experiences, dos and don'ts, lessons learned, resources... Anything they would find interesting to tell
ideas about training, building and mainting trust, communications
Mostly if and how are they able to handling both love and SM, especially if the Master does not believe he can love his sub
What are your deepest needs? When did you know this about yourself? What is it you can't get enough of?
Everything! I am fascinated by the ins and outs of other people's sexuality (all right, and my own). I would especially like to learn more about people's first stirrings of kinky inclination (whether they feel like an "orientation" as my own do, or whether "giving it a shot and liking it" is more common).
What they are like in the vanilla world. How if they are "hard core", how they interact on a daily basis.
why?
i am always interested in how people find partners because i don't really have one.
WHAT IS THE HARDEST PART OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
Am I just simply naive? Are you just simply naive?
As an "older" woman, I often wonder about those who practice the lifestyle beyond the "flush" of the twenties and thirties. How do people keep embodying the realities of D/s practice into middle age and beyond?
Curious about all aspects of how others do it including raising children, integrating friends and family, conflict resolution, ritual... Everything.
I am really curious about the things others do that don't turn me on at all. The internet makes it really easy to think that if one person is into something (say scat for an extreme example) then it is actually a widely done practice. There are no figures really. I don't think I have any questions for others though, I read blogs for glimpses into people's lives, ideas, fantasies but each relationship is so singular one person's practices can have almost no relevance on those of another.
I have no questions about others right now.
Not sure...perhaps a discussion of formal training methods.
I wouldn't....I don't think. If I wish to know, I try to read about it....research it in a book, or on the internet.
How much do you incorporate D/s into everyday life? (To female submissives:) How do you reconcile the idea of female liberation and equal treatment with a D/s relationship, which resembles the old model of "Man as the head of the household, woman stays home and does the housework."
I would ask them about their routines and good/bad past experiences.
Do you feel you have always had these desires? Do you practice d/s 24/7? Do you find that it takes more and more to satisfy your desires as time goes on?
Any m/m spanking couples there?
How do your desires/needs get fulfilled in your normal life routine? How do you find the "right kind" of people to interact with?
The pain~! emotional pain...of getting there...and...how do they do it? Is it all-reaching? Is there respect embedded in the relationship?? Is there freedom for creativity?
How do you manage with kids??? We have four ranging from 3 to 16!!!
How do you manage with kids??? We have four ranging from 3 to 16!!!
Is there a place where you feel at ease, with out that need to push and find so urgent?
Do you have a specific vision of what you want in a D/s relationship, of the dynamic you want to acheive and go about trying to make that happen or do you go with the flow, comfortable with the fact that you don't really know how it will turn out? Which way is easier and does one approach give you greater satisfaction than the other?
Does your wife obey you? Do you spank your wife? does she like it? There are so many questions I could ask, but actually I have no like-minded friends.
i am obssessively curious about what goes on in a dom's head and what he feels when he does whatever he does. what does he get out of it? i've also started to wonder if by definition being submissive is generally a more omni-present state of mind throughout the day - not that i, for example, am submissive to everyone and anyone, but i tend to carry my awareness of the flavour of our relationship and it gives me strength. i suspect that doms, both from being (largely) male and from the fact that they can give an order and then go on their way, may be prone to separate the parts of their lives more. in general, i am intrigued by the psychological underpinnings of D/s.
We are happy as we are
I don't know that I could limit it to just one question, I am quite the curious one! :) And I don't know that I could choose just one generic question, rather I would be interested in others responses to circumstances and situations that arise in my life, curious how they would respond to the same situation.
I like to know about their first experiences.
I don't have any particular questions to which I'd like answers.... i feel very 'live and let live' about d/s in general. Perhaps input on meeting a compatible D/s partner.
How do you keep it alive in a long term relationship?
Oh, gee, I dunno... I guess tips on good ideas & tricks to try... easy yet good knots to tie... haha. I love to learn about new ways to please my man. I am always interested in the psychology side of it too, why people think they like what they like.
I would like to know if they got into this kind of lifestyle from just from being curious, or whether it was a journey that their partner took them on. The only other thing that I can think of that I would like to know is: What kind of a relationship do female subs have with their fathers? And do they think this plays a role in this kind of lifestyle choice?
What are your limits?
I would ask them all sorts of questions about 24/7 and TPE. One day, i hope to have an Owner/Master who would own me in 100% totality.
Any practical tips? Seriously, I'd like to know how they started, what they actually prefer to do (rather than what the media, including porn, wants us to think they like to do), and whether they see it as the whole or only part of their sexuality.
Depends on whom I'm speaking to. Tips and tricks mostly. Where to find fun stuff.
I would ask them to consider being all without the flamboyancy. Wearing the outfits is fine and going to affairs wonderful, but one should not lose ones identity in the play. If you will be a lord be a lord not act it. Be real to yourself and choice.
How do you build a D/s community outside of 'scene' gatherings.
How do you build a D/s community outside of 'scene' gatherings.
Nothing
Why does there seem to be so much "turnover" in D/s realtiionships
What are some of their personal kinks and passions? And what are some of their safety practices? What ingenious equipment have they built, designed, or otherwise dreamed of?
I think it's much easier for a dominant man to express his nature in his vanilla world than it is for a submissive woman to express her nature in her vanilla world. I know that many slaves need to "flip a switch" in that they must be assertive leaders in terms of their careers. This fascinates me. How are they able to flip that switch?
I think more of the mental/emotional side should be delved into rather than just the sexual aspects that is so prevalent in all of the available information out there.
How they cope with being themselves and not having; the gnaw of want and need is pretty difficult at times.
While I am open to discussions with other like-minded people regarding D/s practices, I am much more focused on finding the right path for me and my significant than transposing others practices into my own personal experiences.
Are they ever truly satisfied
not a lot. through blog reading and contact with many Doms and subs i am fortunate in that i can ask them and learn from their experiences.
Everything! I think we are all starved for friends and contacts - what has worked for them, what hasn't, what the pitfalls might be. I think just the opportunity to talk with like-minded people would be great. We are a middle class couple leading a regular life, and it would great to talk to people like us who incorporate these principles of dominance and submission into their lives.
When was their first indication of this inclination? Do you wish this lifestyle to remain underground, or do you hope it will achieve mainstream acceptance like homosexuality has?
not sure
Gosh. I'd just like to hear from more people who are making kinky relatinoships work- really work in a long term, mature healthy reltaionship sense, where both partners are functioning adults whose emotional needs are articulated and met. Id like people to know that is a possible reality, too. Also I'd like to know about the long term physical affects of repeated bruising from other subs expereince.
I wonder how other people discovered BDSM. I wonder what is the spectrum of activities.
Where would they place themselves on the continuum of spanking activity? Which were they aware of first, the interest in spanking or their D/s interests?
how do you manage your wants and desires within your vanilla world?
Does it make them happy? Are they developing through it? Where do they see themselves going next?

#4 What do you think has lead you to this lifestyle choice?

2008-04-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

i think i was born this way
the need for someone else to be in control and my deep seeded need to please
My inner cravings and curiosity
Even as a teenager, I was drawn toward being submissive in sexual relationships. I was totally unaware of what D/s or BDSM was, but I craved it. Though I have played at it in the context of vanilla relationships, this is the first, truly D/s relationship I have been in, or stated as such.
It is something inside you, not something you select. That is, you can select whether and how much to express it, but it is there, just like any other aspect of a person's sexuality. Would you ask a vanilla person why they like being kissed on the neck versus the shoulder, or why they like getting flowers?
an understanding of my nature - similarly my pet's need to be controlled
I think I have always felt that I need a strong partner, and being a stong person in my regular life, I felt SM was the perfect choice
Born as a pretty precocious sweet and needing to please Southern girl.
I can trace submissive/bottom tendencies and feelings in myself to a pre-sexual age, as young as four or five years of age.
My need for someone to control me. His desire to control me.
sexual desire
it was inevitable - the sparks from the beginning - it was only in hindsight we called it - many years down the road realizing we were living a textbook D/s dynamic.
i think i was born this way.
FOLLOWING MY INNERMOST NEEDS AND WANTS AND RECOGNIZING WHAT ALLOWS ME TO BE HAPPY AND FULFILLED.
A need, a desire to be controlled.
I believe that this lifestyle is an embodiment of my sexual and erotic nature. It was not "easy" to come to this life. Creating the life that I now live required that I make deliberate and conscious choices with the full understanding that there would be some costs in doing that. I gave up a long term marriage and have experienced estrangement from a number of family members and former "friends" in order to pursue this path. It is not something that I have undertaken lightly.
It was not a choice for me. It's like being gay. I was born this way and it is torture to repress it.
I've been trying to figure that out for the better part of 15 years. Perhaps some events in childhood (I have attachment disorder-inhibitive, alcoholic father abusive to mother, abusive family in general), perhaps reading certain books at a formative age (Marquis de Sade at 9 might not have been completely wholesome), perhaps it's just how I am wired. I've never fought against it or wondered if there was something wrong with me but have always tried to discover the deeper reasons.
Something about it spoke to me deep inside. It was a click of some sort, and it felt like I was finally able to be myself fully.
That's a difficult question, as Dominance has been tied to my sexuality since I first became sexually aware.
i found a freedom in becoming His slave.
An early interest in being dominated....in being totally of service to another, now becoming finally real.
It just appealed to my Master and me.
I actually realized that I was leaning toward this lifestyle at the end of 2004/beginning of 2005, but I didn't know I was until about a year ago. I think one of the reasons why I made the choice is because I felt out of control most of the time and what control I was given, I didn't want.
I feel I was born this way. I have early childhood memories of a fascination with punishment and submission. I had a very normal childhood with a loving family. I can only assume it is genetic. I know there are male submissives but I feel that females are naturally submissive and males are naturally dominant. With some exceptions of course. I do wonder what makes us this way.
Hard wired this way
As I said, I think I have always had a predispostion to it, manifested in my professional life, my personality and some fifteen years ago, through the opportunities of the internet, I made contacts with people who practiced this lifestyle and found many kindred spirits.
Don't know! something crashed inside of me this summer. I am a semi-pro bellydancer and something around the 'image' and the aggression (belly dancers are very aggressive frankly...) came together and something broke inside me.
I feel safe and cared for. It is also incredibly sexy to have my husband HOH 31. I think it started out somewhat sexually and I caught on that it was more than that for me. I have a daddy issue from childhood as well so I was always looking to please.
Is it a choice? I have chosen to actively pursue it in a way that will be more encompassing. I am currently looking to become involved in a long term D/s relatonship. But I guess like most people in this lifestyle I have a similar story. I can't say that I always knew it, but once I recognised and could label my submissive nature, I can look back and see a pattern in my behavior. But basically, exposure to it has led me to pursue it. I was in a bookstore one day just browsing and I picked up "Different Loving". The rest came from then.
I just feel that way and want my wife to, as well.
somehow i don't think of it as a lifestyle choice, at least not for me. that phrase makes me nervous, as it reminds me of people referring to being gay as a lifestyle choice. i have had fantasies of being chased and tied up since i was in my pre-teens, i think. this would be followed in my mind by the knowledge that something horrible would be done to me, over which i had no control. years later i would have rape fantasies, including gang rape, and fantasies of being whipped. my sexual needs are very high, and i reember masturbating as a quite young child. i remember my mother walking in on me when i was under 5 years of age, and telling me to stop touching myself. i assume that is the psychological underpinning for feeling the need to be forced, and probably ties into the punishment fantasies as well. i'm not sure about the delight at someone controlling my behaviour, but as an older adult i realized i have some measure of ADD, and in fact being controlled and directed is very good for me. i am very happy now - certainly part of that comes from being in love and having that returned, despite neither of us having any idea where this will lead for the future. but i think the structure and security provided by being owned has a large part in it as well.
We both have a need to live an intense love. She had a mother who neglected her and I have a need to control her. She loves being controlled.
If I were to take a guess as to why psychologically I would say perhaps having an abusive relationship with my father.
Natural inclinations, and the need for intensity to achieve sexual satisfaction.38. A love-hate relationship with control, consequence and responsibility. An ability and desire to ably control my own life and circumstances, which led to the craving for balance in relinquishing control to someone else.
the ability to be honest with myself and my Master about my inner most needs and desires.
I really don't know. I love to make people happy and please them, and especially so in the case of someone I love so much as I do my lover. I am at my most pure happiest when giving him pleasure. A smile or word of praise from him is worth more than anything. All I ever want is to make him happy, so I love to pleasure him, whenever I can, and be the best I can be for him. That doesn't really explain my inclination to like pain and that sort of thing though. I really don't know why I like that stuff. Perhaps it's because in "Real Life" I am a headstrong, independent, confident, sassy, outgoing sort of person - a leader. Bossy. That sort of thing. Perhaps it feels good to be stripped bare and overwhelmed by the one person who I know can overwhelm me. And perhaps it's so sexy because I trust him. it's about trust. I place my life in his hands. That's exhilarating.
Curiosity mainly. My Master/partner is the first and only person I've slept with, and He has encouraged me to explore different sexual aspects, and this is just another one. I'm an openminded person, so trying different things isn't that much of a stretch and generally doesn't push my boundaries too far, and when we started trying this together, we were lucky that it was something that both of us enjoyed and still continue to enjoy today.
IT has always felt right. I can look for this lifestyle when things just felt "wrong". 43. Primarily the interest in rough, hardcore sex and pain. Then i fell in love with the D/s lifestyle and serving my Owner. I have always known i was a sexual submisisve- the mentality came from experiencing the passion of a true Dominant Leader.
A long-standing interest in sex for its own sake, a mindset which favours being in control, and finding a submissive partner.
It's just the way I am and always have been.
46. My Grandfather and Father. My Grandfather was head of house and what he said was law. I was his favorite and thus was taught by him. As to my Father, he was a Dominant man who showed me that patience, understanding and an opened mind can handle anything, emotions get in the way and thus on should first master onself before on can master others.
It's always been a part of my sexuality, don't really know why, I'm generally interested in the psychological side of sex rather than the physical, which has some bearing, also I'm a control freak in everyday life, so this is a balance to that in some ways.
It's always been a part of my sexuality, don't really know why, I'm generally interested in the psychological side of sex rather than the physical, which has some bearing, also I'm a control freak in everyday life, so this is a balance to that in some ways.
I do not believe it is a choice, just as other alternate lifestyles you are born this way
I was born submissive and raised in a world where it was okay.
My own personal curiousity has opened this pathway. Under no circumstance, has my direction been altered for this life.
I wonder if I have been led to it. More accurately, it has always been a part of me. As a youngster there were always those dark thoughts and fantasies...but always pushed to the back of the mind. Surely this could not be normal. Surely I was flawed. A strict religeous upbringing, vanilla propriety, political correctness all reinforced "acceptable" interaction between the sexes. And yet those needs and cravings were just not going to be denied. Lifestyle choice was not one moment of decision, but rather a gradual awakening aided very much by the internet as I discovered so many others who shared those same needs and cravings.
I don't know if you have enough space dedicated for that answer..;) I think it is a way of being rather than a choice. It takes a lifetime of experiences to get to this point.
The very nature of me.
This is something I have not been able to discern as of yet. I suspect there are many factors and experiences that, in their own way, made this lifestyle feel comfortable, but I cannot pinpoint an exact situation or event that brought me to where I am now. I do feel it was a natural progression for me that began long ago. I also feel that the journey is never over and that new experiences will always lend themselves to shaping my future needs and wants.
I do not know. I was abused in most every way as a child, but as to whether this has a connection, I can only guess.
the submissive has always been in me. reaching the age of 40 was when i acted on it and the realisation that my husband would never be a Dom. the access to information and relationships online has not only facilitated my journey, but also helped me accept that my needs and desires are not abmormal or freakish.
58. I expressed an urge to be spanked after 25 years of marriage - I didn't realise anyone else felt that way until I read about it on the internet. Then read about DD and finally realized I wanted to go further to D/s. Without some form of D/s I can feel unhinged. It allows me to feel that my behaviour and responses are under control and that I can't lash out when frustrated. It makes me happy, feminine, cherished, and that he is attentive. It enriches our sexual life.
A lengthy search to find satisfaction of some rather deeply rooted and initially unsettling desires. I was always drawn to a certain portrayal of relations between men and women, and especially excited in hyper-feminine dress codes.
i think it is an inborn personality type - i think i am a natural submissive, although this was only revealed to me during some light BDSM style play with a former boyfriend.
Just like anyone I guess I do the only thing that works for me, who knows why its submission and pain? You could say I was influenced by violent and controlling people as a child, but you could also say I was attracted to them, even then. Was it the chicken or the egg? I do love thinking about this quesiton, and I don't mean to be as flip as I probably sound, but I'm not sure there is an answer. I look forward to reading what you and others have to say on the question of why.
It has been a very gradual process of discovery. I do not think I have explored my tendencies completely.
I think I was genetically programed this way.
childhood trust issues
I needed to find out more about the dominant part of myself, which, however hard I tried, just wouldn't go away! However certain commitments in the vanilla world mean that I can't go as deeply into D/s as I would like.

#3 How do you manage your lifestyle with your vanilla world?

2008-04-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

we mostly keep to ourselves
they meld together nicely, some vanilla peeps in my life know, others do not. It is not all that hard to be what one is in the vanilla world if it is honestly felt from within the soul
Just living a heartfelt life
I am not out, very few people know about the dynamics of my relationship or my preferences. In my daily life, I am not submissive at all.
I keep the two separate. No one in my vanilla life knows about my other side.
I keep it hidden. it's just between my pet and me
I can no longer do vanilla sex. As for friends, we are a normal couple outside, though some close friends know I am no longer a strong head.
The two shall never meet or know anything about the other.
Until this year, entirely closeted. A temporary ex-pat move has allowed me the experience of being more "out," which I relish. I worry about and do not look forward to returning to a closeted lifestyle.
Fairly easy since we are 1. pretty new to this AND we are pretty relaxed with the lifestyle.
both are kept separate
it meshes - neither of needs elaborate gestures to "prove" to anyone else teh way in which we interact - i.e. I may kneel to him in private but any more than either of us ever were interested flamboyant and attention-seeking gestures outside our personal space. Ensuring his needs are met is not so different in any relationship.
i have a journal, which i write from home. my partner isn't D/s, although he knows i am. he doesn't know about my journal. i would say i keep my vanilla world and my lifestyle fairly separate
ITS A BALANCING ACT. I HAVE TWO DISTINCT PERSONALITIES.
i am who i am as far as being submissive; i don't hide anything. We do not however, expose everyone to our M/s.
I am employed outside the household as a middle school teacher, and I am extremely discreet about my lifestyle choices. My Master is proud of my professional work, and my career contributes significantly to the financial werewithal of our family. It is important that I perform those duties well and that I maintain that position without compromise. It is sometimes a challenge to balance the two halves of my life, but it is a necessary part of living as I choose.
I have kept it very separate and private. I hope to change that incrementally. Not sure how that will work.
I am fortunate in that I am not asked to work so have very little vanilla interference. My friends know the type of relationship I am in so that is not a problem. I made a choice to be a slave over being a mother (and have looked for similarly minded owners accordingly) so that is not an interference either. When I go out to shop I look like a feminine, graceful, deferring lady with an interesting metal choker. I think being a slave has made me a more polite member of society actually. I am glad I do not have to juggle the different aspects and responsibilities and can focus on my owner entirely.
Some of my close friends, vanilla, know about my lifestyle. Other than that, no one does. My work is seperate.
The D/s nature of our relationship is private and conducted in private. We are outwardly vanilla to the rest of the world.
i am fortunate enough to be able to have very little vanilla, and 99% lifestyle.
No problem. I function perfectly well in the vanilla world. My vanilla friends are unaware of ny BDSM life.
Very easily, as it is constrained mostly to the bedroom. I defer to my Master for most decisions, but otherwise our vanilla day-to-day activities are completely unaffected.
It's actually quite easy considering that only very few people know about my submissive nature. I can keep each separate with ease.
I have actually started noticing that maybe the world is not as vanilla as it lets on. I have also learned that when you get stopped by a policeman you can get out of a ticket more easily if you go completely submissive. In fact, all men respond very well to being treated with respect & courtesy.
Secrecy
My dominance is generally focused around relationships with women. My wife is a submissive and out lifestyle together is a head of household, taken in hand style. I have passing relationships with other submissive women but the are most alway clandestine.
that has yet to be seen...too new yet.
it can be hard as most wouldn't understand. We keep it to ourselves, but I am sure my friends wonder why he makes the decisions
it can be hard as most wouldn't understand. We keep it to ourselves, but I am sure my friends wonder why he makes the decisions
I just keep it to myself most people have no clue. As for me I work with my Master and live any normal life with a twist.
I'm pretty new to all of this, so right now, it is completely separate. The kinky bits are more acceptable than trying to explain power exchange. But I hope to eventually be able to meld the two.
Don't see any difficulty, should there be?
my friends and family know about the man who owns and loves me, but not about the D/s. they do know that he controls my bedtimes, which is in fact something i need, and they think this is very sweet and in some cases are jealous. i occasionally make cracks that betray the truth if you knew what to look for. but my listeners, even those who relish their sex lives and aren't shy about it, don't think in terms of bdsm. in a different group of friends is one masochist and a pair of leather guys, but no one i know of who is really into D/s. i have found the on-line community extremely helplful in giving perspective and making me feel less weird and isolated. i also have a psychiatrist whom i see occasionally to monitor my SAD and now-dormant general depression. i haven't admitted to the bdsm - she is very open-minded but i don't want her to worry about me! but she approves of what i do tell her about how he keeps my life regulated, and sees how incredibly happy i am. i do think i am very lucky to have achieved two things in one relationship, and things i never expected to have at all or again: the realization of my desire to explore bdsm and a love unlike any i've ever had before.
We are very private. In public my Wife is very well behaved
I am fairly relaxed and open. I am also polyamorous and most of my friends are aware of this.
It's not too difficult, really. I don't have black eyes or anything. And other visible things are easily understood by most of my friends. People I am close to but don't see often are pretty much the people who wouldn't understand at all. It works out
Distinctly compartmentalized and separate. I consider discussion of one's private life unnecessary and inappropriate regardless of what it may involve. I do go to great lengths to hide the internet involvement of my interest, of which i am more ashamed than the actual participation.
live it daily
It's difficult. We don't live together as yet, and I am still living at home with my mum. A long distance relationship is hard at best, but I think it's harder being a D/s relationship.
I have both world at war with one another. I try my best to live in both at all times.
Life is life and it is lived. Every once in awhile there is a nuance of something that reminds me of the BDSM world, however, for the most part, there is a defined split. Sometimes i'd rather not have a vanilla world, but... for now, I do. It is lived normally.
I don't mention it unless someone asks--and they rarely if ever ask.
D/s type things don't often come up in conversation in the vanilla world. I guess you'd say I'm in the closet.
As I stated above with confidence. To sway both sides is foolish as you ride the fence, but protocal, etiquette, knowledge and an open mind can balance you well. The problem is that we loose ourselve in fantasy if we are not careful, become so ingrossed in it that we lose our perspective.
Not exactly 'closeted', but don't go on about it unless the topic comes up, then judge the company as to how much I'll say. Most of my friends know I'm somewhere in the Fetish/BDSM spectrum but not the specifics. Some know all.
Not exactly 'closeted', but don't go on about it unless the topic comes up, then judge the company as to how much I'll say. Most of my friends know I'm somewhere in the Fetish/BDSM spectrum but not the specifics. Some know all.
Its kep separate because of her work
Most people that meet me would understand that I am submissive to my Sir, which contrasts very stongly with my work persona. I am not aggressive but I am a leader.
I really don't try to hide it, in any way. If someone happens to ask, I'm very open about my life and choices. I'm actually about to tell my parents that I'm bisexual.
I believe myself to be a dominant individual first and formost. The lifestyle aspect then is more like a comfortable addition. Managing D/s with my vanilla world has become much like having mental flags which remind me not to cross a certain line in my vanilla dealings. I know that D/s has provided me with a valuable understanding of human nature, and the differences between those who are inherently dominant vs those who are inherently submissive. Often times in my vanilla world I find myself evaluating individuals within that context and acting accordingly. However, the mental flag is always there. Lastly, "D/s Lifestyle" is not exclusively about sexual interaction. It's about embracing who we are on a meaningful level.
I have no particular "lifestyle" It is a certain dynamic between us, we are private. I don't feel I have to manage anything per se, it is just simply who I am.
I'm utterly single...and celibate for eight years...fairly difficult.
I am open with most all of my close friends. I have actively attended play parties and events with those friends, though I am not open with my family or in my professional life. I do feel those two aspects are my life are not appropriate places to disclose my sexual preferences and choices. I am quite happy with who knows about me and who doesn't. Not to mention the secrecy lends itself to making my relationship seem more illicit and heightens the excitement factor for us as a couple. It should be noted I do not feel forced to hide this aspect of who I am nor do I feel ashamed of the sexual lifestyle I am choosing. Fri, 10/26/07 12:40 AM
I have to manage it secretely.
None of my friends or family know about the submissive life i lead and i am careful to keep it secret. I have a number of Ds friends i am in touch with (online) and many whom i have met irl.
We have four children so we have to limit D/s activities to when they are not in the house, or just to the bedroom; sometimes discussions that are just whispers. It is not in play when with friends etc. though we may have agreed to something before meeting them.
All but the most subtle elements are evident to the vanilla world. A few vanilla friends and family members are aware of this dynamic and my proclivities.
i have a job, friends and contact with my family. Normally i balance things out very well, though sometimes i wish everybody close to me knew about the lifestyle i lead.
I have a firm belief that sexuality is private and have no wish to share my orientation with anyone in my life, family or friends. That said one of my sisters and one of my brothers in law know a bit from accidentally seeing things at our house that were not intended. But it hasn't been a big deal. I do hide my bruises religiously, I don't change in women's dressing rooms at swimming pool etc. Again not a big deal. I also feel that it is crucial to hide my sexuality from my children, so that takes prioroty over kink, but we manage.
I am gradually "outing" myself to very close personal friends. Online, I feel more free to express myself completely.
I keep it very separate.
i don't.
I keep the two in separate compartments

Survey questions #1 and #2

2008-04-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

#1 What do you consider yourself?

Dominant 20.3%

submissive 66.1%

Switch 8.5%

Other 8.5%

slave have some dominant tendencies....but I'm not a switch..make sense?

somewhat dominant but lazy about it

#2 How do you express this in your life?

i am submissive to my husband
by serving my Master in all that i do no matter where or what i am doing
I am in a D/s relationship. We live about two hours apart and meet every 1-3 months, although we talk everyday. I also host a blog, where I journal about my relationship and lifestyle.
I have a Master, and when I am not committed to one person, I enter other relationship that are characterized by the D/s dynamic - whether ongoing relationships or episodic sessions
by controlling my Pet
I am really just starting, but I like to service Master in domestic chores
Very carefully. Very discreetly.
Primarily in the bedroom--with a loving partner. Also in workshops, activism and "outreach" (getting tipsy and saying inappropriate things to vanilla people...oops)
I am always submissive to my Master. He allows me to do what I want to do with his blessing but I ultimately answer to him.
sexually
the dynamic is the reality .. although not readily apparent to those outside the know. In fact, D. and I find ourselves vastly amused as there is often a perception that it is the "other" way ... yet look hard - I make sure his favourite coffee is in, make his lunch every day - cook his favourite dishes, we both keep up with laundry and manage the kids, but I keep his vitamin regime filled and ensure he always has what he needs and like to spoil him generally ...
it's hard to say. sometimes i identify moments of "submissiveness," but i'm a pretty outgoing girl, so it's not expressed all that often in my "real life." i do have an online journal, and that is probably the only place in my life that i really explore or express my submission
24/7
i am His slave and around others, i am just generally more concerned about their feelings and comforts than my own.
I live in a 24/7 relationship in which I define my position as "slave" as well as masochistic partner to a Dominant and a sadist who is my Master. Ours is a heterosexual, polyamorous household that is driven by power exchange dynamics at its core.
For many years through sexuality only. More recently it has become more integrated. That integration is developing now.
I defer choice and freedom to my owner. I practice obedience, battle reactance, work hard to know myself and be transparent and honest. I give up my rights and allow myself to trust and be controlled. I ask before doing. I respect. I accept.
I am a slave in a committed relationship to a Master. I write in a blog centered around M/s.
Through ownership of my slave.
i am my Owner's 24/7 no limit slave
I have sought for a long time, the right dominant for me. And at last, I have found him, and he me.
I devote myself to my Master and wear a collar to signify his dominance over me.
It's hard for me to express this aspect of my life since so many people would be unforgiving of it. I keep it to myself for the most part. Since I'm new to the BDSM world, I feel like I still have a lot of time to express this aspect of who I am.
I have a lover who is my dominant. We can't be together every day but we talk 2 or 3 times a day by phone, email, IM. He guides me, listens to me, disciplines me.
Writing
I have always been a leader, a manager, a facilitator. I am a large/tall person and natural take the lead in most situations.
new, very new to submission. Am struggling with subfever and a vanilla marriage...BUT!Husband interested. Want to go deeper into submission, but don't have a Dom...so this website is really the first good thing (besides yesterday's finding January Blackthorne's blog) that I have come across....have some correspondence with a Gorean Dom/Trainer...I am very confused girl here...
my husband is the HOH and I follow his rules. I get spanked when I don't. I am not to refuse sex, but I can express my reluctance to and He will listen and decide if my reason is valid (ie unwell, etc). I am not allowed to argue his decisions but again I may express myself in a polite way, but not in front of our children.
my husband is the HOH and I follow his rules. I get spanked when I don't. I am not to refuse sex, but I can express my reluctance to and He will listen and decide if my reason is valid (ie unwell, etc). I am not allowed to argue his decisions but again I may express myself in a polite way, but not in front of our children.
I submit everyday. I work at being pleasing for myself and that works for Master. The harder I work to please the better it is. No matter how small it makes me feel very nice.
Generally I don't express it. I do recognise my desire to please, but at the same time, I only feel submissive when in the presence of certain personality types. Basically, if someone is the typical "natural leader", I tend to be acquiescent. I do have lifestyle friends that I socialize with and am freer to express my submissiveness when I desire to. I also attend various lifestyle events as often as I am able to. Well, now that I think about it, I do express my submissiveness when it comes to sex. It's easier to explain and get what I want in that area.
Tell my wife what to do when she asks. Make her sit down with me in the evening and read blogs/watch porn videos/films with a love interest/interesting news or other items. Tell her "that's enough" when she starts arguing. Tell her what to wear. She's very willing, I want to do more but as I said, I am lazy about it.
i have a (for want of a better word) boyfriend with whom i have been in a D/s relationship since February of 2007. what began as an exchange of erotic e-mails with no pre-defined sexual slant developed into a "real" love relationship with a D/s structure. this is conducted mostly at a distance, but has grown nevertheless. the D/s structure serves both our needs, and when we do spend time together (long visits) we specifically set time aside for bdsm play. we are well suited in our fantasies and desires, and affection and humor underlie all our interactions, even the fiercest ones. one other thing to note, as you will see from my profile (i don't yet keep a blog) - there is a wide age gap between us, and it is the opposite of what might normally be expected. i am nearly 59 and he is 37. it works.
I am Head of my Household. I set the rules my Wife must live by
I am in a D/s relationship, although at this stage it is not able to be 24/7, there is a high amount of contact hours.
I enjoy being dominated sexually and sometimes dominating, though that is very much outside the box for me.
Meetings and ongoing interactions with like-minded men involving corporal punishment, slapping, exchange of power and control, and sexual control Sat,
24/7
My partner and I are currently in a D/s relationship. We are at an intermediate level when it comes to experience.
I tend to be dominant with others in my life and crave another dominant to force me into more submissive behavior.
I have an Owner that I rely on for orders and arrangement of our sexual endeavors. In my professional life, I am not submissive; quite the opposite but behind closed doors, I am 100% submissive and a servant slave. I do not have any tangible signs of being a submissive but my mind is marked and always rooted around my Owner.
Very minorly. For example, by taking a dominant role during cybersex, or occasionally during real life sex.
I am never passive during sex, I'm always controlling or directing what takes place.
I am confident and in such seek to have peace in my life, it is not easy for one must first master ones emotions, and understand that things should always be questioned. THIS SHOULD BE "HOW DO YOU EXPRESS THIS IN THE LIFESTYLE"
Everyday life: Generally treat people as equals, tendency to dominate and control situations unless with someone that clicks my 'sub' button. Sexually: varies from slight tendency to follow partner's lead to full on bondage, humiliation, pain and especially control-based explorations.
I own a slave
I live a submissive role 24/7, in that the Dominant always has the final word. I am intelligent and can do quite well on my own. But I find it best to be able to come home and not be in charge any longer.
I am an owned pet, by the beautiful Goddess Feral. In a wonderful relationship with Her, I'm glad to be in Her service. But I am a Sergeant of US Marines, and I am currently seeking a pet for myself
I consider the "lifestyle" aspect to simply be an extension of what otherwise is considered by most to be a "dominant" personality. Of course I tend to express the Dominant in me most comfortably in my interaction with other lifestyle oriented individuals, and principally my lovely slave.
It is only expressed with my dominant partner.
My job - I 'manage' a program for mentally ill adults, but it affords me the opportunity to serve in some fashion. In my choice of hobbies; I garden for the excuse of kneeling, which centers me. I am always 'me.'
I am in a monogamous relationship with a Dominant male partner. This is the first D/s relationship for us both, and as such, there is much open communication and experimentation as it concerns limits, desires, formality, process and protocol. We are less concerned with following "the rules" than about finding our own way and what turns us on.
By seeking an educated, strong man to mentor me and spank me when necessary
i am married to a vanilla man and have sought Ds relationships outside of my marriage without my husbands consent/knowledge. I have always been totally honest with any Dom i have met that i have no desire to change my marital status but seek a Ds relationship to meet my submissive needs which are not fulfilled within my marriage.
agreeing to behave in certain ways; being accountable for bad behaviour; agreeing to discipline; to obey when asked to do certain sexual activities; to accept that he has the right to deny something e.g orgasm, wearing panties
In my monogamous relationship with my girl who identifies as submissive. We engage in a power exchange that extends beyond the bedroom, but not in a slave and Master sort of context.
i live full-time with my Master
My husband and I have a Daddy/girl thing. I am completely submissive in our sexual relations in all ways. I do not speak or move at all unless directed or moved by him on 'threat' of pain. ; )We also include lots of beating not as punishment, just because he can and because I love it. I have no outlined rights or limits, though there are some lifestyle rules for me. On the other hand I would not categorize myself as 24/7 or as a 'slave' because in reality most of my time is spent on regular life, including raising children which makes much less time available for kink. I have always been aroused by violence and threats, by being hit or hurt, and have fantasized about this since I was a child. I have never been aroused by vanilla things, and never had an orgasm with out pain, or imagining pain.
Two ways. I write some fiction and keep a personal, anonymous blog. And I am partnered with a woman who considers herself submissive.
With non-partner tops-occasionally by appointment, otherwise at play parties.
through the internet
I write a D/s blog, and have mentoring relationships with submissives through online contact only

Thank you....

2008-04-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who participated in the survey...

The questions were:

#1 What do you consider yourself?
#2 How do you express this in your life?
#3 How do you manage your lifestyle with your vanilla world?
#4 What do you think has lead you to this lifestyle choice?
# 5 What would you ask other like-minded people about their D/s practices?

There were a lot of responses, and we want to post them all. We will post the answers to one question a day and keep the list in the sidebar. If you share the same view, or not, or want to expound on something, the responses are anonymous and numbered, so you can reference one in the comment section. After all the questions are posted we will list all those who offered web sites and links.

Thank you all so very much. You have confirmed what we already knew about you. You are intelligent, amazing people whom we'd like to know better.

These Are a Few of OUR Favourite Things...

2008-04-01T17:17:00.000-07:00

(a wholesome song made wickedly naughty by the salaciously slutty songwriting team of January and Dragonfly....)

Clothespins on nipples and wide leather lashes
Dom's wielding canes as they wear their sunglasses
Luscious pink sexy bits tied up with strings

These are a few of my favorite things!

Hard wooden horses and bite marks on nipples
Paddles on asses that make red painful ripples
Wild strokes that fly like the dragonfly's wings

These are a few of my favorite things

Girls tied in harnesses baring their asses
Teardrops that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white chains that bind me in rings

These are a few of my favourite things

When the cane bites
When the crop stings
When I'm being bad

I simply succumb to my favourite things

And then I don't feel soooooooooo bad!

Survey Says!

2008-03-30T14:32:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time... we were part of a research group that was interested in studying and understanding certain aspects of BDSM... We wanted to canvas opinions from people in the lifestyle, about what they are doing and what they are seeking, etc.

The project started strong but life got in the way and it was put on hold. Well, I'd like to at least continue this survey process for a bit, and share the results!

So if you are interested, please take the survey and BE HEARD!

Girl talk.... between sisters...

2008-03-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

Most definitely, my lovely sister!!

HAPPY EASTERS!!

2008-03-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

I saw this on the lovely danae's site... and just had to share!! It's so adorably creative and sexy!

Happy Easter!

Want some more??? Of course you do!!!

Doms: Perception vs Reality

2008-03-03T17:59:00.001-08:00

My relationship with my master was hidden from the world. Very few knew he had a sub or that I had a master. Married, both of us, happy enough with our vanilla spouses, but needing more.

I was not looking for a master. He is a professional who blogs. I respected his opinions and I had questions. He kindly offered to answer any lifestyle questions that I had. He worried about newbie subs out in the internet world. It progressed from there.

Slowly I became His. He asked, I gave. I totally opened myself to him. He knew everything - everything - about me. At his request, we entered into a Master and sub relationship with a ceremony: I made vows to him, I accepted a very special gift from him. I agreed to very stringent terms that would make it next to impossible for me to ever leave him on a whim.

I fell totally into trust with him. I trusted him with my heart and soul, something he desired.

We collaborated on creative projects and the energy it generated for us was amazing. It was like riding a high that only got better and better.

I fell in love with him.

I didn't expect that.

Whatever he wanted, I did my best to make him happy and to complete the tasks he presented to me. The more he opened himself to me, the more I learned about him, the more I loved him and enjoyed him. And the more I wanted to please him.

He shared his dreams with me. He told me that because of me he had hope that his dreams could become reality. And I knew that he could. I believed in him.

And then one day, with all the tensions and stress at home in his marriage, things came to a head and he told her all about his hidden self. Through it all, he told me to trust that it would all work out. That he told her he would not give me up. That he was standing his ground on this.

I trusted.

I knew that he would not give me up, that I was important to him and that he loved me.

His wife even contacted me and thanked me for bringing back the vibrant man she had known. She knew that he would not give me up and that was hard for her. I understood that.

I even offered a number of times to go, to be let released. But he said no, to trust that it would all work out.

I trusted.

And then he was gone.

He made his good byes by writing one letter, addressed to a mutual friend and me (in that order). It was short and businesslike.

He cut all contact.

When I say this man was a professional, I want you to know that he was a person who would know the effect of all his actions on me, on a professional level.

And the reason I am telling you this? To remind you that a Dom is just a man.

And that a professional man who is also a dom...is also just a man. It doesn't make him wiser. It doesn't mean he is smarter. And it doesn't make him a better dom.

In reality, any professional should adhere to the rules set out by his governing body. With a Dom, this alone should make him act even more responsibly, to be aware of using his professional methods in his personal relationships.

I would have done anything for him. Anything.

But, in the end, he was just a man.

A Find!!

2008-02-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

My beautiful sister, January and I have found a new place to play....

FetLife

It's a new site with lots of potential!

Join. Make a friend.

TVCCM (Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint) Task # 3

2008-02-22T12:43:00.000-08:00

Seduction with a scarf....

Sexy salacious slave girls often dance for their Master's pleasure! There is nothing more beautiful than a woman swaying to the music as she seduces her very lucky man. All men love to see women dance, and all women possess grace and beauty.

If you don't have a scarf already, buy one on your next shopping trip. Choose a shear scarf long enough to wrap around your waist.

Set the mood.

Get a babysitter, light candles, play music, pour wine. Do all the things that will let him know that you want to please him, that he is so very special to you, that you want to be his. Take a luxurious bath, shave (everywhere!), do your hair and make up, don your sexiest panties and bra. Tie your scarf around your waist like the salacious slave girl you are! Feel the power of your beauty, and you are beautiful.

Place a chair in the room and lead him to it. Ask him to sit down and perhaps kneel at his feet for a moment and remove his shoes. Tell him how much you love and adore him and that you want to entertain him. Tell him that you are here for his pleasure.

Dance for him.

You don't have to be a great dancer or even know how to dance. It's all in the eyes. Lock onto his eyes with your and sway your body gracefully to the music. Use your scarf. Stare seductively as you untie it from around your waist. Sweep it over your head and through the air. Be playful and have fun, don't forget to smile warmly (and knowingly).

And when he cannot take your salacious teasing anymore and rises to take his girl, as he is hoisting you onto the bed whisper in his ear:

"How about tying your girl's wrists to the bed with her scarf?"

have fun
xo

Lost my way....

2008-02-20T08:10:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I've lost my way in this world.

I need this place.

I need to exist in this place. I need to express my submission and to explore it, and I find I cannot do this in a safe way.

I am trapped by a life I have created. By a life that I cherish, but I am trapped. Trapped by my inner needs and desires that won't be quieted.

Life is all about choices, and managing these choices in a way that will not inflict too much damage on those we have chosen, isn't it? So I try to balance things in my mind and in my heart, and sometimes that balance just won't be maintained.

I recently had a very sad experience which has really illustrated to me exactly how badly I have lost my way... It happens. It just does...

Now it is time to recover and take stock of things....

~~~~~~~~~~~

Submitted by an anonymous reader to Dragonfly and posted with the author's permission.....

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No.. it's Super-Dom!!

2008-02-01T15:08:00.001-08:00

I have found that we often expect more from those who claim to be Dominant Men or Masters. I think the assumption is that to make this claim means that they have committed to being more than what the average man can be...They have proclaimed that they can transcend what is the norm, and in doing so are worthy of our worship... and some are, most definitely.

However, this is not necessarily a given, and it's important to know this. In those moments together when a Dom and a sub are fully engaged and the energy is flowing, it is as if the phsysical laws just don't apply. And for that moment they don't. But the moment passes and reality resumes.

Submissive women are amazingly loyal, and have the ability to see the strength and good in their Masters and Doms, and sometimes it is hard for them to remember that they too are merely mortal men with feelings and issues and problems that they cannot always solve and fix. Submissive women will hand them the red boots and cape, but this does not really make them Supermen...

On the other hand...

Some Doms think that by their proclamation of being the Dominant of their species that they are indeed Supermen.. They think themselves able to do things that may just be beyond what they are capable of doing, and in this case, the submissive woman is usually hurt. Being dominant over someone who has acquiesced completely is an amazing feat. The time and attention it takes to care for a sub or slave in quite significant, and not always possible. I mean, women are very complicated and beautiful creatures, and men have been trying to figure us out for years!

TVCCM (Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint) Task #2

2008-01-23T03:01:00.000-08:00

Over the course of the following week, look for opportunities to curl up at the feet of your potential Dom and lay your head against or on his knee. What reaction do you receive?

You can do this without arousing too much suspicion. Try it while watching t.v. with him. Or if he is on the computer. He may be surprised or he may not even notice. If he asks you what you are doing, try telling him you just wanted to be with him. Are you brave enough to tell him that sometimes you just want to be his little girl?

Dearest Pain...

2008-01-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

Dearest Pain,

I can't imagine
it was your intention
to hurt someone so deeply
that you had loved so dearly.

Someone to whom
you attributed your own
personal growth and happiness.

The catalyst for your healing.

I just can't imagine
you would deliberately wound
someone who has only shown you
love and devotion
and commitment.

Who stood by you
and supported you,
and helped you
recognize your dream.

I can't imagine
you would so callously take
from her all she held
so dear to her heart.

I cannot believe you would
do that to someone
who let you in
to their hearts and in
to their minds.

Who gave you her very soul,
and placed all that she is
in the palm of your hand.

I cant imagine you could just crush her...

But then again
you are Pain...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be careful, my beloved Sisters.... You are worthy of total love and devotion. Never doubt that.
xo

Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint

2008-01-12T03:21:00.000-08:00

Salutations Salacious Sisters in Submission!

Many of us are in committed vanilla relationships, and do not know how to fully express our D/s desires with our vanilla mates. We may fear being wrongly judged or rejected by our partners and do not want to destroy the relationship or the trust, so we express this part of ourselves, that will not be denied, outside of the relationship in secret.

For some this is the perfect solution. They are able to compartmentalize their lives and feelings in an effective way and can meet the needs of those involved without taking anything away from anyone or hurting them. However; secret situations seldom stay secret or stable...(say that 5 times fast!) and they often result in painful break ups and loss that are suffered in silence.

Perhaps there is another way.

Perhaps you can slowly draw your vanilla partner in to your D/s world in a non- threatening or destructive way and to a degree with which you are both comfortable and fulfilled. It only takes one person to change the dynamic between two people. If you change your behavior than you will eventually change their behavior because our relationships are a series of actions and reactions.

So anyone up for giving it a try????

*looking at all the hands raised high in the air*

Great!

Every week, we are going to post an activity for the submissive woman to try to elicit the Dom in her vanilla mate. This is based on the assumption that she is in a loving, caring, committed relationship in which she wants to remain. These activities are for the submissive who is looking to interpolated and express the joy in submission she has discovered into her everyday life. Hopefully, these suggestions or tasks will help in bridging the gap that will only widen with time.

TVCCM (Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint) Task #1

For one whole day that you are together with your potential Dom, be mindful of acquiescing to his/her desires and suggestions.

Refrain from interjecting your own agenda. Ask them for direction as politely as possible. If they ask you for a decision, ask them what they would prefer. Try to do this in a way that is not drastic or obvious inviting suspicion, and use language that you typically would use.

Do not expect things to change immediately. Old habits die hard! But do note any changes you notice, even the smallest ones. It may take a while for your partner to adjust to your shift and the natural instinct is to restore order, so they may try to revert you back with stronger behavior on their part. Be prepared for this and continue on your path and they will eventually adjust. If you are subtle enough, you shouldn't elicit inquiry at all, and that is your goal.

It might be a good idea to keep a journal about your activities, and how you feel during this process.

If you have any questions, please post a comment or email. We will answer them and always keep your information confidential if that is your desire. We also invite you to share about your experiences however you feel comfortable.

Good Luck!

Training for the New Submissive

2008-01-06T08:41:00.000-08:00

To train or not to train: that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the commands and instructions of a dominant master, or to take arms against such a program. And by opposing, end them.

As a new and Dom-less submissive, I wondered about training. Why would it be necessary to be trained when I was willing and eager to please? What more could there possibly be? I know my personality to be pleasant, that I have almost impeccable manners, that I am graceful and feminine. I had read a fair bit about the D/s lifestyle, books and blogs and articles. I could follow rules as set out for me. Kneeling? Sure. Eyes downcast? No problem. Asking permission as required? Absolutely. What would training provide that I could not already offer a Dom?

My first task was to research what training entails: I headed straight to the internet. Strangely enough, it was difficult to find precise information on training programs for submissives. Many Doms noted that training was a must. There were even places that offered to train a sub for a Master. These sites spoke in general terms, offering short and long term programs, but there were no specifics about what a training regimen would include.

After some digging and use of different search terms, I began to find some results. One of the first sites, http://www.sensual-service.com/, had an article named "Submissive Positions". I felt like I had struck gold! Finally I was about to find out what all this training was about! With the caveat that, "only your dominant can set your positions if he/she desires them", Raven Shadowborne described the following positions and their variants: Attention, Crawling, Kneeling, Supine, and Spanking. This was training?

This wasn't what I had expected. I am an intelligent woman and I expected there should be well-developed plans. Shouldn't there be lessons in protocol? I should know how to act when in public at D/s events or if Master wants to invite others over for a visit, for tea, for an evening. I had read about limits - what areas were covered? I had ideas about my limits - but what if I was not aware of areas that might be involved? I have lead a somewhat sheltered, vanilla life. And what about "implements"? What might I be faced with?

I checked out another recommended site, The Submissive Wife (http://www.submissivewife.org/). This site showed promise, but also had something to say about the very research I was doing:

"Understanding submission lends itself very well to a mentored process. But for sexual submission, the web is a very toxic environment in which to try to find that kind of guidance. While good information is available online, we often receive correspondence from women whose lives have been seriously harmed by unwise “training”. Please be careful."

Ominous, to be sure. This particular site is very private. They provide some resources for those like me, looking for more information. They offer an even more in-dpeth training program but they do not actively ask for participants as they are a small group, their mentoring is intense and they do not have many facilitators for the process. To even access their message boards, one has to apply and then be vetted through a phone call so that the privacy of this all-women's group is not broken.

There was enough information from their site, albeit very subtle, to determine that the actual mentoring they provided was an intrusive and sexual training program. There was information enough that indicated that wearing of pants was not encouraged, that not wearing panties would be required, and that trying to keep oneself in a sexually excited state at all times was a goal to be worked at during some point in the process. Oh my!

I started to make some headway in finding information from other subs about the training aspect of The Lifestyle. According to "mercedes" (The Path of Service, A Primer, Part 1; Simply Service, Volume II, Issue 2, November 2006), there are three areas of discipline for a submissive to study and practice: mental, physical and spiritual. She further breaks these down:

The Disciplines of Intention, Devotion, and Community Service
The Disciplines of Mindfulness, Meditation, and Study
The Discipline of Healthy Living, Practice, and Yoga

The whole process of learning and applying these lessons creates a personal transformation through increased awareness, a way to refine and improve oneself, a method of getting to know oneself. Instead of changing a person's behaviour, training creates a head-space that allows a submissive to serve with the thoughts and wishes of her Dominant first, foremost, and ever present. The key lesson? "There is only one way to serve and that is the way required by the one we are serving."

This would explain why there are no actual detailed programs out there. Every Dominant has different requirements for his submissive. The objective is to mold the submissive into his desired shape. And molding appears to take in every facet of a submissive's life. Is this not slavehood?

In the same publication, mari discusses why a modern person would want to be a slave to another, especially in an era where women's rights and liberation have been so hard fought for. She suggests that humans have an inherent need to find the structure that defines their life. Further, the changes in today's society that lead to liberation and equal rights, has created confusion in the interactions between men and women.

Mari relies on the biological explanation that men are designed to be more aggressive, independent and focused (in "attack" mode) but require someone to be behind them, to support them as they make split-second, autonomous decisions. The female multi-tasks to "preserve what the Male protects - a future, the culture, the young, the 'homefires', all things that require great capacity to balance emotional and physical needs but does not necessarily require instantaneous decisiveness or aggressiveness." With her support and loyalty, he makes the decisions necessary for their combined survival.

In today's world then, a woman can find a place to be relieved of the burdens of equality and liberation, by submitting. Submission [slavery] provides that "safe place to fall" (thank you Dr Phil), a place where she may be simply the nurturer, a place where her Master makes the decisions.

Training is not just about teaching the submissive to follow rules and assume positions. Training is the opportunity for the Master and the submissive to get to know one another. The trust given to a dominant by a submissive is a gift; the training the submissive receives is the process of the dominant unwrapping his gift. The two use the process to "discuss, to amend and develop, to grow and to find mutually desirable ways of expressing needs and exploring desires. To develop together what erotic power exchange will mean for them." In other words, training is the process of communication, of honesty between two people, of a combination of experiences that bind the two together. The end result of the process is such a deepening of the bond that the submissive will inherently know that the decisions her master makes are for her highest good. ("Trust", http://www.sensual-service.com/)

What did this all mean for me? One person asked me where I thought I needed training. That was a panicky thought - how was I supposed to know what I needed training in when I still wasn't quite sure what training was all about? I felt stuck, quite frankly, until someone came to my rescue with quick list of areas where training could be done:

* Physical training: developing specific muscles , movements, postures, moving between postures, holding positions, increasing flexibility, adapting certain yoga postures for submissive effect,

* Sexual training: increasing arousal, becoming sexual in new ways, overcoming sexual blocks, erotic movement, dance, striptease, pole dance, controlling masturbation, orgasm restriction, overcoming shame about body and sexuality

* Emotional training: overcoming unhelpful emotions, control over emotional expression, openness, journal keeping, overcoming fear, guilt, shame, dishonesty, possessiveness, materialism, stubbornness, resistance, surliness, egotism. Accepting humiliation, overcoming expectations, entitlement feelings, resentment at unfairness.

* Mental training: memory training (eg recite stories by heart), concentration training, learn new subjects (eg language skills, taking courses, passing exams). Training of the Will, persistence, obedience, determination, sticking to a task, problem solving.

* Skills training: huge range – examples include ability to make own clothes, spinning, weaving, lighting a fire, cooking over a fire, making own punishment implements & restraints, jewellery, singing, dancing, play a musical instrument, painting, poetry,

* Verbal training: control of speech, use or restriction of certain words, rule of silence, speaking more slowly, conciseness, expressing key points with clarity, listening skills
Non-verbal training: control of body language, using the body to communicate, reading body language of others

* Discipline and punishment: accept punishment in the way Dom requires, acceptance of pain, maintaining stillness, being unobtrusive, accepting restrictions on movement, posture, no-go-areas, being restrained, delaying gratification

* Rituals: disrupting basic habits and creating new ones,

* Spiritual: achieving full potential, integrating shadow, overcoming "false self", devotion, appreciation of nature, questioning and challenging core beliefs.

* Testing: being able to rely upon a sub, putting under pressure, what are the limits?

I was beginning to understand what training was about. I thought I was working towards what I would "get" out of training, not so much what I would be "training" in. It surprised me - and then again it didn't. I knew that by handing over control to a Master, it might probably be for all areas of your life. I suppose I didn't see "life" as the training program. But that is exactly what it is. And in a D/s relationship, it is a focused, structured, intense program.

What could I expect from training? A balance to my life, an understanding of what I need to become the woman I want to be, and the support and encouragement from someone willing to guide me.

To train or not to train is not an option in the D/s lifestyle: it is the lifestyle. It is the yin and yang of life, the power exchange between two persons to create a relationship that transcends that which can be found in the vanilla world. Seen in that context, the word "training" should perhaps be replaced by something more apropos, more descriptive of the process and the result, the journey. My suggestion? Your Pathway to Submission.

Hello Beautiful Salacious Sisters....

2008-01-03T18:26:00.001-08:00

Dragonfly has met so many amazingly wondrous women through her travels. Women she is proud to call her Sisters and she has learned something from each and every one of them.

Now it is time to celebrate her Sisters in Submission and create a place for others to share in these blessings.

It is hoped this site will grow with volumes of information to support and inform others who find their joy in submission.

Coming soon....

2008-01-03T14:36:00.001-08:00