Monday, March 3, 2008

Doms: Perception vs Reality

My relationship with my master was hidden from the world. Very few knew he had a sub or that I had a master. Married, both of us, happy enough with our vanilla spouses, but needing more.

I was not looking for a master. He is a professional who blogs. I respected his opinions and I had questions. He kindly offered to answer any lifestyle questions that I had. He worried about newbie subs out in the internet world. It progressed from there.

Slowly I became His. He asked, I gave. I totally opened myself to him. He knew everything - everything - about me. At his request, we entered into a Master and sub relationship with a ceremony: I made vows to him, I accepted a very special gift from him. I agreed to very stringent terms that would make it next to impossible for me to ever leave him on a whim.

I fell totally into trust with him. I trusted him with my heart and soul, something he desired.

We collaborated on creative projects and the energy it generated for us was amazing. It was like riding a high that only got better and better.

I fell in love with him.

I didn't expect that.

Whatever he wanted, I did my best to make him happy and to complete the tasks he presented to me. The more he opened himself to me, the more I learned about him, the more I loved him and enjoyed him. And the more I wanted to please him.

He shared his dreams with me. He told me that because of me he had hope that his dreams could become reality. And I knew that he could. I believed in him.

And then one day, with all the tensions and stress at home in his marriage, things came to a head and he told her all about his hidden self. Through it all, he told me to trust that it would all work out. That he told her he would not give me up. That he was standing his ground on this.

I trusted.

I knew that he would not give me up, that I was important to him and that he loved me.

His wife even contacted me and thanked me for bringing back the vibrant man she had known. She knew that he would not give me up and that was hard for her. I understood that.

I even offered a number of times to go, to be let released. But he said no, to trust that it would all work out.

I trusted.

And then he was gone.

He made his good byes by writing one letter, addressed to a mutual friend and me (in that order). It was short and businesslike.

He cut all contact.

When I say this man was a professional, I want you to know that he was a person who would know the effect of all his actions on me, on a professional level.

And the reason I am telling you this? To remind you that a Dom is just a man.

And that a professional man who is also a also just a man. It doesn't make him wiser. It doesn't mean he is smarter. And it doesn't make him a better dom.

In reality, any professional should adhere to the rules set out by his governing body. With a Dom, this alone should make him act even more responsibly, to be aware of using his professional methods in his personal relationships.

I would have done anything for him. Anything.

But, in the end, he was just a man.


Dragonfly said...

Hugging you, my beautiful sister. I do not doubt that he loved you, how could he not?

Perhaps he was just not worthy of you, of this I am sure.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like hes a professional playing with womens feelings-its hard getting involved with a married man-they really aren't available-his wife sounds like shes playing along with this too. Well there are many good guys out there that don't do this kind of stuff married men usually don't leave their wives

John said...

I'm sorry you were hurt. It seems that the hurt is so much more intense from a D/s relationship, much as the feelings and emotions are so much more intense in this type of relationship.

Marches Man said...

I can only imagine the hurt you must feel. There's lots I want to say, would like to say, but can't find any words here that might help. Trust is everything, the single thing that makes our special choice of loving lifestyle and relationships possible. So tempting to close the doors to stop the pain from ever happening again, but please keep your heart open, not all of us are the same.

January Blackthorne said...

Hi all - thank you for your comments and thoughts. The main point I was trying to make to subs is: Don't expect any Dom to be any more than any other person, just because they work in a profession where you might think they know more, and thus will act in a way considered appropriate for their profession at all times.

I hadn't really planned to get into more of the actual details of our relationship. I think it deserves clarification, however,

First of all, it was long-distance, which was perfect. Neither of us was looking to leave our partners and at no time did we ever meet in the flesh.

I was pleased - I still am - that he was able to be real with his wife and that they were able to work it out at home. To have that is a luxury unknown to many of us.

But I miss him dreadfully. I miss the camaraderie and his ideas and his dreams. I miss writing with him. I miss his guidance - and believe me, he was able to help me in areas where I thought there was no hope for me.

I miss the projects I was working on with him and the creative rush they spurred on in us.

It was heady and exciting.

But Life goes on.

And other things and people come along.

And Life gets better again!