Wednesday, January 23, 2008

TVCCM (Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint) Task #2

Over the course of the following week, look for opportunities to curl up at the feet of your potential Dom and lay your head against or on his knee. What reaction do you receive?

You can do this without arousing too much suspicion. Try it while watching t.v. with him. Or if he is on the computer. He may be surprised or he may not even notice. If he asks you what you are doing, try telling him you just wanted to be with him. Are you brave enough to tell him that sometimes you just want to be his little girl?

Monday, January 21, 2008

Dearest Pain...

Dearest Pain,

I can't imagine
it was your intention
to hurt someone so deeply
that you had loved so dearly.

Someone to whom
you attributed your own
personal growth and happiness.

The catalyst for your healing.

I just can't imagine
you would deliberately wound
someone who has only shown you
love and devotion
and commitment.

Who stood by you
and supported you,
and helped you
recognize your dream.

I can't imagine
you would so callously take
from her all she held
so dear to her heart.

I cannot believe you would
do that to someone
who let you in
to their hearts and in
to their minds.

Who gave you her very soul,
and placed all that she is
in the palm of your hand.

I cant imagine you could just crush her...

But then again
you are Pain...


Be careful, my beloved Sisters.... You are worthy of total love and devotion. Never doubt that.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint

Salutations Salacious Sisters in Submission!

Many of us are in committed vanilla relationships, and do not know how to fully express our D/s desires with our vanilla mates. We may fear being wrongly judged or rejected by our partners and do not want to destroy the relationship or the trust, so we express this part of ourselves, that will not be denied, outside of the relationship in secret.

For some this is the perfect solution. They are able to compartmentalize their lives and feelings in an effective way and can meet the needs of those involved without taking anything away from anyone or hurting them. However; secret situations seldom stay secret or stable...(say that 5 times fast!) and they often result in painful break ups and loss that are suffered in silence.

Perhaps there is another way.

Perhaps you can slowly draw your vanilla partner in to your D/s world in a non- threatening or destructive way and to a degree with which you are both comfortable and fulfilled. It only takes one person to change the dynamic between two people. If you change your behavior than you will eventually change their behavior because our relationships are a series of actions and reactions.

So anyone up for giving it a try????

*looking at all the hands raised high in the air*


Every week, we are going to post an activity for the submissive woman to try to elicit the Dom in her vanilla mate. This is based on the assumption that she is in a loving, caring, committed relationship in which she wants to remain. These activities are for the submissive who is looking to interpolated and express the joy in submission she has discovered into her everyday life. Hopefully, these suggestions or tasks will help in bridging the gap that will only widen with time.

TVCCM (Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint) Task #1

For one whole day that you are together with your potential Dom, be mindful of acquiescing to his/her desires and suggestions.

Refrain from interjecting your own agenda. Ask them for direction as politely as possible. If they ask you for a decision, ask them what they would prefer. Try to do this in a way that is not drastic or obvious inviting suspicion, and use language that you typically would use.

Do not expect things to change immediately. Old habits die hard! But do note any changes you notice, even the smallest ones. It may take a while for your partner to adjust to your shift and the natural instinct is to restore order, so they may try to revert you back with stronger behavior on their part. Be prepared for this and continue on your path and they will eventually adjust. If you are subtle enough, you shouldn't elicit inquiry at all, and that is your goal.

It might be a good idea to keep a journal about your activities, and how you feel during this process.

If you have any questions, please post a comment or email. We will answer them and always keep your information confidential if that is your desire. We also invite you to share about your experiences however you feel comfortable.

Good Luck!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Training for the New Submissive

To train or not to train: that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the commands and instructions of a dominant master, or to take arms against such a program. And by opposing, end them.

As a new and Dom-less submissive, I wondered about training. Why would it be necessary to be trained when I was willing and eager to please? What more could there possibly be? I know my personality to be pleasant, that I have almost impeccable manners, that I am graceful and feminine. I had read a fair bit about the D/s lifestyle, books and blogs and articles. I could follow rules as set out for me. Kneeling? Sure. Eyes downcast? No problem. Asking permission as required? Absolutely. What would training provide that I could not already offer a Dom?

My first task was to research what training entails: I headed straight to the internet. Strangely enough, it was difficult to find precise information on training programs for submissives. Many Doms noted that training was a must. There were even places that offered to train a sub for a Master. These sites spoke in general terms, offering short and long term programs, but there were no specifics about what a training regimen would include.

After some digging and use of different search terms, I began to find some results. One of the first sites,, had an article named "Submissive Positions". I felt like I had struck gold! Finally I was about to find out what all this training was about! With the caveat that, "only your dominant can set your positions if he/she desires them", Raven Shadowborne described the following positions and their variants: Attention, Crawling, Kneeling, Supine, and Spanking. This was training?

This wasn't what I had expected. I am an intelligent woman and I expected there should be well-developed plans. Shouldn't there be lessons in protocol? I should know how to act when in public at D/s events or if Master wants to invite others over for a visit, for tea, for an evening. I had read about limits - what areas were covered? I had ideas about my limits - but what if I was not aware of areas that might be involved? I have lead a somewhat sheltered, vanilla life. And what about "implements"? What might I be faced with?

I checked out another recommended site, The Submissive Wife ( This site showed promise, but also had something to say about the very research I was doing:

"Understanding submission lends itself very well to a mentored process. But for sexual submission, the web is a very toxic environment in which to try to find that kind of guidance. While good information is available online, we often receive correspondence from women whose lives have been seriously harmed by unwise “training”. Please be careful."

Ominous, to be sure. This particular site is very private. They provide some resources for those like me, looking for more information. They offer an even more in-dpeth training program but they do not actively ask for participants as they are a small group, their mentoring is intense and they do not have many facilitators for the process. To even access their message boards, one has to apply and then be vetted through a phone call so that the privacy of this all-women's group is not broken.

There was enough information from their site, albeit very subtle, to determine that the actual mentoring they provided was an intrusive and sexual training program. There was information enough that indicated that wearing of pants was not encouraged, that not wearing panties would be required, and that trying to keep oneself in a sexually excited state at all times was a goal to be worked at during some point in the process. Oh my!

I started to make some headway in finding information from other subs about the training aspect of The Lifestyle. According to "mercedes" (The Path of Service, A Primer, Part 1; Simply Service, Volume II, Issue 2, November 2006), there are three areas of discipline for a submissive to study and practice: mental, physical and spiritual. She further breaks these down:

The Disciplines of Intention, Devotion, and Community Service
The Disciplines of Mindfulness, Meditation, and Study
The Discipline of Healthy Living, Practice, and Yoga

The whole process of learning and applying these lessons creates a personal transformation through increased awareness, a way to refine and improve oneself, a method of getting to know oneself. Instead of changing a person's behaviour, training creates a head-space that allows a submissive to serve with the thoughts and wishes of her Dominant first, foremost, and ever present. The key lesson? "There is only one way to serve and that is the way required by the one we are serving."

This would explain why there are no actual detailed programs out there. Every Dominant has different requirements for his submissive. The objective is to mold the submissive into his desired shape. And molding appears to take in every facet of a submissive's life. Is this not slavehood?

In the same publication, mari discusses why a modern person would want to be a slave to another, especially in an era where women's rights and liberation have been so hard fought for. She suggests that humans have an inherent need to find the structure that defines their life. Further, the changes in today's society that lead to liberation and equal rights, has created confusion in the interactions between men and women.

Mari relies on the biological explanation that men are designed to be more aggressive, independent and focused (in "attack" mode) but require someone to be behind them, to support them as they make split-second, autonomous decisions. The female multi-tasks to "preserve what the Male protects - a future, the culture, the young, the 'homefires', all things that require great capacity to balance emotional and physical needs but does not necessarily require instantaneous decisiveness or aggressiveness." With her support and loyalty, he makes the decisions necessary for their combined survival.

In today's world then, a woman can find a place to be relieved of the burdens of equality and liberation, by submitting. Submission [slavery] provides that "safe place to fall" (thank you Dr Phil), a place where she may be simply the nurturer, a place where her Master makes the decisions.

Training is not just about teaching the submissive to follow rules and assume positions. Training is the opportunity for the Master and the submissive to get to know one another. The trust given to a dominant by a submissive is a gift; the training the submissive receives is the process of the dominant unwrapping his gift. The two use the process to "discuss, to amend and develop, to grow and to find mutually desirable ways of expressing needs and exploring desires. To develop together what erotic power exchange will mean for them." In other words, training is the process of communication, of honesty between two people, of a combination of experiences that bind the two together. The end result of the process is such a deepening of the bond that the submissive will inherently know that the decisions her master makes are for her highest good. ("Trust",

What did this all mean for me? One person asked me where I thought I needed training. That was a panicky thought - how was I supposed to know what I needed training in when I still wasn't quite sure what training was all about? I felt stuck, quite frankly, until someone came to my rescue with quick list of areas where training could be done:

* Physical training: developing specific muscles , movements, postures, moving between postures, holding positions, increasing flexibility, adapting certain yoga postures for submissive effect,

* Sexual training: increasing arousal, becoming sexual in new ways, overcoming sexual blocks, erotic movement, dance, striptease, pole dance, controlling masturbation, orgasm restriction, overcoming shame about body and sexuality

* Emotional training: overcoming unhelpful emotions, control over emotional expression, openness, journal keeping, overcoming fear, guilt, shame, dishonesty, possessiveness, materialism, stubbornness, resistance, surliness, egotism. Accepting humiliation, overcoming expectations, entitlement feelings, resentment at unfairness.

* Mental training: memory training (eg recite stories by heart), concentration training, learn new subjects (eg language skills, taking courses, passing exams). Training of the Will, persistence, obedience, determination, sticking to a task, problem solving.

* Skills training: huge range – examples include ability to make own clothes, spinning, weaving, lighting a fire, cooking over a fire, making own punishment implements & restraints, jewellery, singing, dancing, play a musical instrument, painting, poetry,

* Verbal training: control of speech, use or restriction of certain words, rule of silence, speaking more slowly, conciseness, expressing key points with clarity, listening skills
Non-verbal training: control of body language, using the body to communicate, reading body language of others

* Discipline and punishment: accept punishment in the way Dom requires, acceptance of pain, maintaining stillness, being unobtrusive, accepting restrictions on movement, posture, no-go-areas, being restrained, delaying gratification

* Rituals: disrupting basic habits and creating new ones,

* Spiritual: achieving full potential, integrating shadow, overcoming "false self", devotion, appreciation of nature, questioning and challenging core beliefs.

* Testing: being able to rely upon a sub, putting under pressure, what are the limits?

I was beginning to understand what training was about. I thought I was working towards what I would "get" out of training, not so much what I would be "training" in. It surprised me - and then again it didn't. I knew that by handing over control to a Master, it might probably be for all areas of your life. I suppose I didn't see "life" as the training program. But that is exactly what it is. And in a D/s relationship, it is a focused, structured, intense program.

What could I expect from training? A balance to my life, an understanding of what I need to become the woman I want to be, and the support and encouragement from someone willing to guide me.

To train or not to train is not an option in the D/s lifestyle: it is the lifestyle. It is the yin and yang of life, the power exchange between two persons to create a relationship that transcends that which can be found in the vanilla world. Seen in that context, the word "training" should perhaps be replaced by something more apropos, more descriptive of the process and the result, the journey. My suggestion? Your Pathway to Submission.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Hello Beautiful Salacious Sisters....

Dragonfly has met so many amazingly wondrous women through her travels. Women she is proud to call her Sisters and she has learned something from each and every one of them.

Now it is time to celebrate her Sisters in Submission and create a place for others to share in these blessings.

It is hoped this site will grow with volumes of information to support and inform others who find their joy in submission.

Coming soon....