processing...

I am currently without a recognized Dominant figure in my life. A painful choice I had to make to maintain my family structure. It's been almost a year, and I still feel like I'm in somewhat of a tailspin. I have so many emotions that wreak havoc in my life and I feel I have no clear plan or goal. It's definitely some sort of survival mode that keeps me afloat.

He doesn't know why I am so angry with him at times, and truth be told, neither do I. I think I am just angry at myself, and he is just the convenient target.  I need to get a grip on things. We recently went to the doctor, and his blood pressure was high. I immediately felt responsible. He is stressed and trying to hold it all together, normalizing a situation he can barely recognize or understand. I have not been easy. The child in me wants him deprived of peace as I am, perhaps.

It is an arduous process finding the Master within. I existed for a long time having to make my own rules and structure and I am sure I can do it again, but it is quite hard.  As hard as it is for the garden to garden herself.

Stages of Submission.. Exploring Stage 1

 Stages of Submission

Stage 1: The initial discovery stage.

Where and when one finds out about one's own feelings and emotions, related to erotic power exchange are often discovered in a very early (sometimes pre-puberty) stage, although they may either emerge or develop at a later stage as well.

I must have been about 8 years old or so, perhaps going through a hormonal surge, and I remember myself lying in my bed immersed in a fantasy involving a horribly strict man controlling several women. I still have images from the fantasy in my mind. Women standing in a row naked and shivering. The cruel Master standing before them ordering them about. I remember feeling my body burning with... something... I had no vocabulary for sexual anything then so even my memory of the feeling lacks a term.

I remember I used to pretend that I was always being watched by some sort of an overseer. He would watch my every move, and would punish me if I got out of line in the slightest way. I envisioned him standing there in brown leather boots carrying a large stick with which he would strike me. He would watch me as I waited for my school bus, or played with my friends. His stern words of warning filled my head as I pushed the boundaries in the slightest way. Such an intense warmth of sorts would flood my chest and arms almost forcing my body to the ground, a feeling I would rediscover almost 30 years later.

I remember as a child being enthralled by the remotest reference to spanking. Whether it was on television or in a book, I would keep a running list of all the places I would find these precious gems and go over them again and again in my mind.

And then it all just stopped. I think at some point I thought myself a freak or wrong for entertaining such thoughts so I banished them from my mind. I wanted to be a good and perfect girl, and good and perfect girls don't harbor such dark and dangerous fantasies or so I thought.

In my late 30's I rediscovered my secret desire for spanking, and would peruse the net for stories. I was surprised by my familiar primal reaction I had to them, and began reading more and more. I discovered there was a whole world of people and eventually engaged in a very cursory conversation with one such person. It was he who asked the one question that changed my life forever....

"So how long have you wanted to be with a Dominant man?"

kablam.....

Stages of Submission

I read about 150 blogs and sites of folks involved in the lifestyle, and although each and everyone of us is beautifully unique, the one thing we all seem to have in common is our quest to evolve and grow.

I have been thinking about the stages of submission.... How one goes from being totally "vanilla" (or believing they are) to realizing that they are anything and everything but vanilla.  I looked for some information written about this, and found this, which I thought helpful.

According to the site, there are 7 stages of (what they call) Kinky/BDSM growth

Stage 1: The initial discovery stage.

Where and when one finds out about one's own feelings and emotions, related to erotic power exchange are often discovered in a very early (sometimes pre-puberty) stage, although they may either emerge or develop at a later stage as well.

Stage 2: The fear-stage

The uncertainty plus social factors will usually lead to fear about one's feelings and emotions and may lead to shorter or longer periods of seclusion.

Stage 3: The "first steps stage"

Where one will start to experiment (with oneself), read, and search for information, even as they keep their fantasies and dreams to themselves, people will start to experiment, quite often on themselves, often actively incorporating both the dominant and submissive roles in themselves.

Stage 4: The reaching out stage

Where one tries to find others.

Stage 5: The reconciliation stage

Where one comes to grips with one's fantasies and starts to understand them.

Stage 6: The partner-search stage

Within an existing relationship or finding a new one.

Stage 7: The revolving stage

Where one grows, learns, experiments, grows again, etc.

I think this is pretty accurate, at least in my experience it seems to apply. The site's home page is "under construction" so I wasn't able to actually credit it's author. If anyone knows who wrote this please let me know.

I'm going to be exploring these stages and comparing them with my experience, and I would be honored to include any contribution you would like to make.

The next step...

You have gently led her to this place. You have had many heartfelt discussions about the direction you would like to explore within your relationship. You have reassured her, answered all her questions, weathered her doubts and fears, and have have emerged together to take the next step. You have determined the methods with which you feel most comfortable employing, and have thoroughly examined your own feelings and motivation, and set a course for your journey together.

She is ready, fully trusting you to lead her on this path that will deepen and enrich your love for each other, and perhaps open doors within herself.You know that her gift of submission to you is truly precious and you vow to honor it with all your heart.

You extend your hand, she takes it, as you lead her to a place you have created for her. A place of beauty and safety, and love. She kneels before you, open to your will. You take a small length of soft jute and ask her to extend her wrists. You fasten them together, winding the rope around each and fastening in together, leaving a length of rope which you will hold. Your words are sparse and deliberate, lending the moment reverence.

You see a moment of panic flutter across her face. She is feeling the strength of the bond and her mind is not sure how to reconcile what her body experiences. You pull the rope close until your mouth is at her ear and you say,

"Do not fear. You are doing well, my love."

You hold her close and breathe with her as her anxiety passes through, her leaving her calm.

room for us all

I am a submissive woman who needs to be dominated, and for a long time, I thought I was a freak. I thought I was alone. I didn't understand what I felt or why I felt it.  I suffered in silence and built a wall around my true self, hating what I thought was the "monster" within.  It took me a long time, and it wasn't until I was well into my adulthood that I dared share my true self with another.

And do you know what I found out?

I am not a monster, not even close, and I am not a freak, and the greatest realization of all was that I am not alone. In fact there were many many people like me, that felt the way I did, that also were afraid to face and share their feelings.

Through the blessed anonymity of the Internet, I was able to reach out to other like-minded folk and connect, and have made life long friends as a result. We can express who we are in the comfort of each others virtual arms and the acceptance and validation we have experienced has made us whole. There is no need to bury that part of ourselves anymore and we are better people in our lives.

I know the Internet has proven detrimental to some, and often to those who don't know how to properly use it or respect it, and it must be respected.

Connection is a gift. I am always careful never to do anything ever that might hinder this gift for another, and I am sad when I see people use the Internet to do exactly that. To hinder or hurt those who have chosen to interact anonymously by publishing their personal information in an effort to"out" them.

I am not going to go into detail about what I had seen or lead anyone to this place, because I think it is better left alone to perhaps just go away, but I think it's important that we remember to take care of each other in this world.

Doing things to harm each other will only bring back the isolation that hurt so many for so long. There is room for us all, and all of us deserve the gift of connection and respect.

Picture This....

Sitting next to him in your bedroom, nestled in the warm crook of his arm, your cheeks are still a bit damp from the happy tears shed moments ago. You soak up this moment reveling in its relief and smile at the courage it took you to not only admit to yourself your desire to be spanked, but to take the steps necessary to bring this into your reality. You had read the first book, "How to Get the Spanking You Want", and followed Viv's advice, working through your issues and fears before finally telling him, Honey, I need to be spanked. You remember the puzzled look on his face at first, and love him all the more for listening to and reading along with you, truly making an effort to understand what you needed. You feel incredibly blessed to have such a loving man in your life.

As he holds his beautiful girl, he feels proud of you for being honest and completely opening up to him. He loves you with all his heart and realizes he has never felt closer to you than he does at this very moment. He is moved by the look of peace on your face and loves and that he had some part in that peace existing. He vows in his mind to do the best he can to give you what you need.

He sighs, and thinks, "Ok, now what?"

Well, now you print out Viv's companion book, "How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End," and continue the journey together!

"If your partner has shared with you a desire to be spanked, congratulations. Whether you realize it yet or not, you have just been given a great gift. Several, in fact."

Once again Viv presents an amazing step by step guide written for the couple looking to explore the wonderful world of consensual spanking.

"The love, trust and intimacy that can develop between a couple when spankings are part of the relationship is often deeper, richer, and more lasting than almost any other type of bond between two people."

Viv explains to the spanker the psychology behind their partner's needs as well as the untapped potential waiting for them that consensual spanking can bring about. Her engaging words ease the reader into fully understanding how to deliver what their partner has asked of them and addresses many of issues that may arise.

"If you can learn to give your partner the spankings she wants, you will be among a small, elite, and deeply appreciated group of men who have a skill and an understanding into the female heart that few possess."

I think Viv's books are an excellent resource, and I wish I could have read them years ago, when I was just beginning to come to terms with my own needs and desires. Viv explains the dynamic between a consensual spanking couple by dissecting the components involved so one can truly understand and overcome any doubt or fear. She helps the reader understand why they feel they way they do rather than just saying that it's just the way one is 'wired' as much of the literature out there does. Her words are incredibly validating and her perspective and advice is something with which I can relate.

Look for an excerpt here tomorrow!

For more information about purchasing this book, click here to visit Variant Books website!

Where the door will never close.

Walking uphill in a storm
of your own creation
fighting to keep the wind and rain
from stinging your face,

the sun shines bright and beautifully for those you scorn,

It is your own shadow you fear,
your own tail you chase,
your own self-hatred that you choke upon
your own darkness that keeps the light from your soul.

It is the blood from your own forehead
dripping into your clouded eyes you see,
the wound caused by your constant ramming
into your own closed door.

I will pray for you,
and hope that one day you can live peacefully,
with open windows and soft breezes,
and thrive in a safe home

where the door will never close.

How to Get the Spanking You Want

"How to Get the Spanking You Want"
by Vivian

"... the need for a spanking is usually a much deeper and more insistent need than just a passing fantasy that didn't turn out well. In fact, it might be more accurate to compare our need to be spanked with our sexual orientation."

I had the pleasure of reading this book, and offer you the following review:

In this book, Vivian presents a very realistic approach for the submissive person to bring into their reality that which they may have felt impossible to attain. She discusses the internal and external aspects and obstacles of acquiring and providing adult spanking. It is written for the submissive who yearns for this experience yet does not know how to affect it in her life.

"If you aren't able to love and accept the part of you that wants and needs spankings, you're not going to be able to relax enough to communicate as clearly and specifically as you'll need to to get the spanking you want, and what's more, your partner won't feel safe or comfortable spanking you. "

She addresses the important issues to be considered when exploring this journey with a partner. Vivian gently leads you through each step of the process, and helps you sort through what it is you need, how to approach your partner and how to get the spanking you desire.

"Getting your partner to spank you requires learning to communicate honestly and clearly and maturely about your spanking needs."

Overall, this book addresses everything from sitting in your boudoir fantasizing about being over his knee to actually being over his knee and beyond. This is an excellent reference for those coming to terms with these desires and looking to bring them into their reality, and for those who are currently practicing adult spanking with their partner.

For more information about purchasing this book, click here to visit Variant Books website!

The Real Thing...

Thank you for participating in the poll, and thank you, Cleo, for the mention on your blog.

It looks as if what we mostly seek real life D/s encounters on the web. I agree and read many sites written by folks living the lifestyle full time. (Thanks for sharing!)

Most of us at one point or another, need to put our kink aside and go forth into the vanilla world, whether it is to work, or food shop or attend a meeting at a child's school. In fact many of us express our kink in secrecy, hidden from our friends and family, and even our spouses.

I have had the pleasure of meeting in real life like kinky folk from the net. Some have been other writers of sites, and some have been avid readers. What fascinates me most about them when we meet is hearing about their vanilla lives. What they do for a living, where they live, about their children, that sort of thing. In fact, it seems we hardly talk about "kink" at all, and the conversation is quite typical of any random conversation one could have with someone during the day, yet I am utterly fascinated because I know......

I know what they do when they go home and leave their typical lives at the door and enter their private dungeons. I know that they spend their evenings either spanking or being spanked clad in leather while the children sleep. I have read blow by blow accounts of their most illustrious sexual encounters. I know what makes them cum and why and how many times.

It is also quite validating to know that there are others like myself out there.

Dear Uncle Agony...

A wonderful friend of mine, Pygar, has recently started a new site called Uncle Agony. When I first saw the title I thought for sure it was a place where he was going to share with us his more sadistic tendencies!

Apparently, Pygar had been receiving a great deal of mail from folks seeking advice and support and he thought it time to share. I think it's a brilliant idea, and am a huge proponent of sharing stories.

And here I thought I was the only one who went running to him with my tears....

Shoe

I think what bothered me the most about that stranger's phone call is that her sentiment was something I harbor about myself in the darkest corner of my mind. It was unnerving to have it wrenched out into the open and recorded on my cell phone. Even though her voice was unknown to me, the words were not. In fact, the words she used are words, when said to me by another, would send me zooming in so many ways. Maybe it was the way she took those precious words and used them to spew her hatred.

We are often hardest on ourselves in life. Far more punishing than even the cruelest Master, which is why I think we seek that external control at times. I have often said to Him that I pray his dominant strength is stronger than the sadist in my head. I work very hard to control those thoughts. I don't mean to insinuate that I am self-loathing, but I am a bit of a perfectionist, and tend to demand that of myself. I will not accept limits for achievement, and know that I can always do better.

Sometimes it's best to just ride out the emotion and then move on, and that's what I am doing about that mysterious call.

I do feel, however, as if the other shoe is going to drop... let's just hope it's not one by Vivienne Westwood, and not dropped on my head.

Thank you for your kind words of reassurance and love.

Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip

Task #4

Do it with food...

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.. actually it's through his chest with a knife.. (sorry, having a moment)... ;) But all kidding aside...

Why not cook Him a very special meal?

There are few more caring acts then preparing, presenting, and serving a meal that you have carefully created with your loving hands.

The goals for this task are to demonstrate to your potential Dom:

• your desire to please them
• your willingness to go out of your way to do so
• your creativity in achieving this

I realize most of us have families and probably cook at least once a day to feed our beloved, and I am a firm believer in a family dining together in the evenings. Sometimes it's the only time of the day everyone can actually sit down and connect, and doing this once a day hardly seems enough, but with our busy lives, it will have to do.

So how do you make Him a special dinner and feed a family?

Here are some ideas:

1. Try something new.

Make his favorite dish or venture beyond your usual dinnertime repertoire. Maybe make something from his favorite restaurant, or something that is only eaten on special occasions. It will show him that you have been thinking of him and that you want to please him. If the rest of the family does not share his mature palate, you make them a little something different. I rely on good ole mac and cheese for those nights, and my kids are very thankful.

2. Feed the kids first.

It's hard to keep the kids out of the snacks after school, and sometimes dinner time is delayed. Make your special meal for him to be eaten when he gets home and feed the kids their dinner earlier. To maintain that family connection time, let the kids eat dessert while you are eating your dinner. Have them dive into a nice bowl of fresh fruit and yogurt while they tell you all about their day, and whisper in your spouse's ear that his dessert will be given in private.

When we do this, the kids are usually in great moods because their bellies are full and they are eating dessert! This will also allow you some private time to spend with him over dinner and for you to fully dedicate your attention to him.

3. Plan a late night dinner by the fire.

Share a salad while the kids eat their dinner to maintain your family time and stave away some hunger pangs, and when they are all tucked safely in their beds, set up your private dinner fire side, or any romantic spot in your home. Don't forget the candles which might also lead to some fun with wax!

4. Plan a whole evening without the kids, maybe on weekend when their grandparents are yearning to indulge them.

And if you are lucky enough to find yourself in this situation, then go all out. How about a lovely naked slave girl serving dinner to her masterful Master, or how about the dinner being served on the lovely naked slave girl? Choose foods that can be fed to him by your gorgeously sexy fingers. Lobster, is great for this.. and what is sexier than a drip or two of melted butter running down a tummy for a luscious tongue to chase? Yum...

It's okay to be playful. Remember, you are trying to change a dynamic between the two of you, and people will only change when they feel secure and calm. Engaging in the D/s dynamic is a wonderful experience, and much of it is established through play, meaning out of the confines of our everyday life and responsibilities... so play... ;)

And last, but not least & a disclaimer....


Do not get mad at him or upset if he is late for the special dinner you made. (Something I have to remind myself of and why I began this post with that comment).

Just think how you will even further you goal if he sees you made him a special meal, and didn't flip out when he came home late to eat it! He will see that he has a loving, caring and graceful submissive woman he will want to ravage later in the bedroom...

These tasks are designed to improve your relationship with your vanilla spouse and whom you are trying to engage in some D/s activity. They are about establishing trust and laying a secure foundation so that your desires will be welcomed and recognized.

These things takes time and understanding. I do not purport that doing these things will instantly change your relationship, but they will help your mindset and perhaps the mindset of your spouse.

Please do not think these are things designed for solely a submissive woman to use with her potentially Dominant male partner. I appreciate there are many differences among us and these are ideas that can be adapted for all couple configurations. The only reason I phrase them in this way is because I am sharing with you my experiences and this is the context in which they exist.

and... please... give feedback!! It helps everyone!!!

good luck and Mange!

Flattery will get you nowhere...

Well, actually, flattery will get you a link to your post.

Pygar has asked the question:


What is the difference between a 24/7 domestic discipline relationship and domestic abuse?

Having experience in both these realms, and speaking to so many others who have as well, I replied:

There are many differences between the dynamics, and I have spoken to folks in both situation, professionally and privately... and the very very short version (as I do not want to hog up all your space!) is this:

DD/D-s etc. is a mutually agreed upon dynamic in which personal and relational growth and strength are the impetus and goal.

Domestic Violence is when one mentally unstable individual exerts control and violence toward the other to diminish them on all personal levels.

And this is just the very tip of the "how they are so very different" iceberg.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and there can be DV involved in DD and DD in DV.... But the key is to look at the submissive in the relationship.. is she aglow with happiness, joy and emotional fulfillment? Or is she a shell of a human being barely able to survive?

And then he responded (and please note the incredibly kind flattery):

Dearest Dragonfly

Your wisdom is as great as your legendary beauty! ;) You are welcome to hog as much space on this blog as you wish.

But having given such a full answer I'm not sure there is much more for any of us to add!

To try to maintain and develop the discussion a little though I wonder if the exemplars you give of the difference between DD/D-s and Domestic violence are describing each end of the scale - but that there can be a gray area in the middle where all is not so clear.

However your analysis of the difference is very sharp.

I wondered still though how one can tell from the outside - and again you give us such a good answer - to look at the sub herself. But again - I wonder if on a day to day basis many subs are slightly less than aglow with happiness! Every relationship has its ups and downs.

But in reality I find it hard to quibble with anything you have said.

So what say you sisters? Has there been a time in your life when you were caught in this gray area or Domestic Violence vs. D/s? What helped you understand what you were experiencing? How did you resolve this within your life? And a question I dread asking... Is anyone out there wondering what realm in which they currently exist?

i just love her...

We are coming up on our anniversary,my sister and I. It was about a year ago she opened her heart to me and let me in and I was reluctant and even scared. I'm not used to that, you see, and feared her openness. But there is something you must know about my sister. She is tenacious. Oh, is she tenacious. And I'm thankful she was and is...

She is such an amazingly beautiful human being, and offered me a place in a world that meant everything to her. She took that risk, and she trusted me, and in that, she gave me the most precious gift any one can give, love, and I love her.. more than love her.. adore her....

I hope she knows that I know what she offered me, and I hope that she knows how much I appreciate her gift to me then, and everyday since.

MJ, You are an amazing woman, and I truly love you. Thank you for giving me a soft place to lay my head when troubled. Thank you for always being my friend and being my sister. I strive to be worthy of your love, I truly do. You have impacted me and my life in so many ways, and I hope to one day sit and tell you all these ways. No matter where I am or what I am doing I know I can reach out to you and you are there, thank you for that....

I love you so very much...

Where have you been?

Good question... for me..

Here, now...

I have recently been thinking about control. Control is the driving force of the D/s dynamic. There are many other elements, such as trust, and devotion, love and obedience, and many more, but the first brick laid in the building of the D/s foundation is control.

Growing up in a chaotic household fraught with addiction and mental illness I learned at a very young age that control was something one must acquire very early on and cleave to for survival, even in the smallest measure. Usually that started with things about oneself, since controlling those around, who have a great deal of authority and power was impossible. As much as the chaos tried to infringe upon my being, it could never fully permeate unless I allowed it to do so, and I did not. And so the seed was planted.

Of course this is how I survived the chaos and emerged fairly unharmed, however as I grew up the thing that helped me survive was then turning into the element of my demise. Controlling needs boundaries or it will grow like poison ivy, invading thoughts and feelings, and eventually relationships until all it touches is infected with its toxin. It also traps. If one is busy controlling, or trying to control all that surrounds, then one can never rest or let go, becoming a prisoner as well as the Warden. And, let me tell you... it's exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Imagine never feeling safe enough to let yourself breathe...

I believe many of us inclined to the D/s dynamic have similar issues in this area, which is why D/s is so attractive, and needed in our lives. We need to reorganize how control exists in our lives and we need to find the peace offered in the safety felt when we let it go (if indeed we can).

For me, control is not something I easily give up. I am a chronic topping from the bottomer even in the most subtle of ways. I have come to realize that I need it wrenched from my grip by someone I have learned over time to trust and admire and love. To be captured as the need to have it is tethered by primal ancient survival instincts that do not respond to logic and reason, and I need to have a secure comfort zone created that would keep the demons at bay.

Sounds impossible, eh? I'm starting to believe it just may be...

I'm glad....

I'm glad you ended it, although it hurt my ego. I tried to end it before, (remember?) but you weren't ready to accept it, even though you did everything to push me away. So, you needed to pull me back and play out your drama to finally let me go. I knew it all along, because I knew what I was capable of doing and not doing and told you this several times. But you weren't ready to hear me, and now you have accepted that I can never be with you. The truth is, if I loved you enough, I would have been with you already. You weren't acting worthy of the sacrifice I was about to make. It was all just about physicality with you, and I need more. You hurt my ego, it sucks to be dumped, but I knew you would never leave me alone unless you did the dumping. I'm not going to write to you, so if you want to write to me, then so be it. But this is all I have to say on the matter and I chose to do it here. I can't be honest with you, you don't allow honesty in your world, and I don't want to be in your world any more...

good bye!

Insanity

Once upon a time, I embarked on a journey with a Master who plucked me out of my dismal obscurity and generously offered me his hand. He showed me a world I never knew existed outside of my deepest darkest fantasies and he seemed to understand me as I have never been understood. He showed me the beauty and power in the world all around, and how magic exists even in a paper strip. He taught me about the mystique and wonder of the dragonfly and sent messages of love to me on its wings. He opened my eyes, my heart, my soul and my mind. He breathed life into a girl who was waiting to die... And when I was securely in his grasp, and placed in his palm my mind, my body, my heart and soul, pledging myself to him forever, he let me go. He just disappeared without warning. He left me alone in the dark and only pain and anguish remained where joy and love had been.

It almost killed me, truly it did, and I am still in agony over him, although not as much as I had been. But I think about him, and what was and what could have been every day of my life, and I suppose I will until my dying day. He once told me his mark upon my soul was indelible, and I had thought that such a blessing at the time.

I realize, now, after so much more heartbreak with others, I have just been chasing something that was so unfairly ripped away from my life. He is gone. Master is gone. Forever. I think it's time to come to terms with the fact that the journey that was offered, the gift that was given, so briefly to me, was just a moment in time that has now passed. I think it's time to let it go, and to find a way to put this part of me to rest someway. I know how often folks say that it's impossible to do so, that once one is awakened to this part of themselves and their soul set free that they can no longer live any other way; however, I find having hope that I will ever be able to resume my journey quite impossible, and perhaps the only way for me to find peace in this world is to let it go.. to just let the hope and the journey go...

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
~ Albert Einstein ~

I'm not a switch....

But I might just change my mind....



yum....

A question from Anonymous... and some answers...

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint":

This is good for those who are seeking to bring out the Dom in their spouse.

My challenge though is to bring out the sub in my vanilla wife!

Any suggestions or blogs that would be helpful?

Thanks,


I have been thinking about this question for a few days , Anonymous, and I hope to offer you some sound advice.

There is one person I know who often writes about shifting the dynamic between a man and a woman to represent the D/s dynamic a bit more, although his family has adopted the "Head of Household" structure. I would suggest reading his site as well since much of what I was thinking of writing could be found there in abundance!

What seems to come to the forefront of my mind when I think about what would give a vanilla wife some flavor has to do with what happens outside of the bedroom since women connect everything in their world (and men tend to compartmentalize).

In order for a woman to feel submissive to her husband, she must feel safe and secure in his presence. She must feel that he will protect her and care for her no matter what happens. It is in this security that she is able to let go of her ego and submit to his will. Ways to ensure her security are through love and consistency. You need to be dependable and she needs to see that you say what you mean and mean what you say.

In talking to so many women in my life, I believe that we all, vanilla and otherwise, look for these qualities in a man. We swoon at his strength and charisma no matter what his orientation. To me, domination is more about providing that secure world in which I feel at peace and can submit. It is more about dominating the elements around me than me. A good dominant is like a master gardener, making sure the earth has been properly tilled, the seeds planted and tended and the elements controlled so the blooms can emerge and offer pleasure to all who gaze upon them.

In my own experience, what attracted me so strongly to my (vanilla) husband was his ability to command a room and take charge with his wit and charm, and always making me feel I was attended to and cared for. It is an amazing feeling when your man walks across a room of people to close a window because he notices your rubbing your arms because you are cold without a word spoken, just a loving wink as he goes to back to attend the guests. It showed me that he is always caring for me, that I am always his. I remember the feeling of intoxicating warmth that flooded my body and soul when that happened, and now understand it to be those lovely submissive feelings I long to swim in.

Sadly, what happened over the years is that this dynamic wasn't nurtured or honored (we were so very young) and with it's inconsistency, it eventually diminished and resentment filtered through. What I long to do is to restore our dynamic to what it was because I now understand what it means and what it could be. I'm still working on it.

I hope this was helpful, dearest Anonymous, and if anyone would like to offer more advice about how to add some flavor, please do so!

xo

# 5 What would you ask other like-minded people about their D/s practices?

1. how do you get your HOH to understand and really get it.
2. I am always interested in the level of commitment in D/s relationships. I am very committed and exclusively submissive to Him. It seems though, that others often just play at it with several partners. I do not think I could achieve a proper level of submission to satisfy my tendencies, wih more than one Dom.
3. About general experiences, dos and don'ts, lessons learned, resources... Anything they would find interesting to tell
4. ideas about training, building and mainting trust, communications
5. Mostly if and how are they able to handling both love and SM, especially if the Master does not believe he can love his sub
6. What are your deepest needs? When did you know this about yourself? What is it you can't get enough of?
7. Everything! I am fascinated by the ins and outs of other people's sexuality (all right, and my own). I would especially like to learn more about people's first stirrings of kinky inclination (whether they feel like an "orientation" as my own do, or whether "giving it a shot and liking it" is more common).
8. What they are like in the vanilla world. How if they are "hard core", how they interact on a daily basis.
9. why?
10. i am always interested in how people find partners because i don't really have one.
11. WHAT IS THE HARDEST PART OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
12. Am I just simply naive? Are you just simply naive?
13. As an "older" woman, I often wonder about those who practice the lifestyle beyond the "flush" of the twenties and thirties. How do people keep embodying the realities of D/s practice into middle age and beyond?
14. Curious about all aspects of how others do it including raising children, integrating friends and family, conflict resolution, ritual... Everything.
15. I am really curious about the things others do that don't turn me on at all. The internet makes it really easy to think that if one person is into something (say scat for an extreme example) then it is actually a widely done practice. There are no figures really. I don't think I have any questions for others though, I read blogs for glimpses into people's lives, ideas, fantasies but each relationship is so singular one person's practices can have almost no relevance on those of another.
16. I have no questions about others right now.
17. Not sure...perhaps a discussion of formal training methods.
18. I wouldn't....I don't think. If I wish to know, I try to read about it....research it in a book, or on the internet.
19. How much do you incorporate D/s into everyday life? (To female submissives:) How do you reconcile the idea of female liberation and equal treatment with a D/s relationship, which resembles the old model of "Man as the head of the household, woman stays home and does the housework."
20. I would ask them about their routines and good/bad past experiences.
21. Do you feel you have always had these desires? Do you practice d/s 24/7? Do you find that it takes more and more to satisfy your desires as time goes on?
22. Any m/m spanking couples there?
23. How do your desires/needs get fulfilled in your normal life routine? How do you find the "right kind" of people to interact with?
24. The pain~! emotional pain...of getting there...and...how do they do it? Is it all-reaching? Is there respect embedded in the relationship?? Is there freedom for creativity?
25. How do you manage with kids??? We have four ranging from 3 to 16!!!
26. How do you manage with kids??? We have four ranging from 3 to 16!!!
27. Is there a place where you feel at ease, with out that need to push and find so urgent?
28. Do you have a specific vision of what you want in a D/s relationship, of the dynamic you want to acheive and go about trying to make that happen or do you go with the flow, comfortable with the fact that you don't really know how it will turn out? Which way is easier and does one approach give you greater satisfaction than the other?
29. Does your wife obey you? Do you spank your wife? does she like it? There are so many questions I could ask, but actually I have no like-minded friends.
30. i am obssessively curious about what goes on in a dom's head and what he feels when he does whatever he does. what does he get out of it? i've also started to wonder if by definition being submissive is generally a more omni-present state of mind throughout the day - not that i, for example, am submissive to everyone and anyone, but i tend to carry my awareness of the flavour of our relationship and it gives me strength. i suspect that doms, both from being (largely) male and from the fact that they can give an order and then go on their way, may be prone to separate the parts of their lives more. in general, i am intrigued by the psychological underpinnings of D/s.
31. We are happy as we are
32. I don't know that I could limit it to just one question, I am quite the curious one! :) And I don't know that I could choose just one generic question, rather I would be interested in others responses to circumstances and situations that arise in my life, curious how they would respond to the same situation.
33. I like to know about their first experiences.
34. I don't have any particular questions to which I'd like answers.... i feel very 'live and let live' about d/s in general. Perhaps input on meeting a compatible D/s partner.
35. How do you keep it alive in a long term relationship?
36. Oh, gee, I dunno... I guess tips on good ideas & tricks to try... easy yet good knots to tie... haha. I love to learn about new ways to please my man. I am always interested in the psychology side of it too, why people think they like what they like.
37. I would like to know if they got into this kind of lifestyle from just from being curious, or whether it was a journey that their partner took them on. The only other thing that I can think of that I would like to know is: What kind of a relationship do female subs have with their fathers? And do they think this plays a role in this kind of lifestyle choice?
38. What are your limits?
39. I would ask them all sorts of questions about 24/7 and TPE. One day, i hope to have an Owner/Master who would own me in 100% totality.
40. Any practical tips? Seriously, I'd like to know how they started, what they actually prefer to do (rather than what the media, including porn, wants us to think they like to do), and whether they see it as the whole or only part of their sexuality.
41. Depends on whom I'm speaking to. Tips and tricks mostly. Where to find fun stuff.
42. I would ask them to consider being all without the flamboyancy. Wearing the outfits is fine and going to affairs wonderful, but one should not lose ones identity in the play. If you will be a lord be a lord not act it. Be real to yourself and choice.
43. How do you build a D/s community outside of 'scene' gatherings.
44. How do you build a D/s community outside of 'scene' gatherings.
45. Nothing
46. Why does there seem to be so much "turnover" in D/s realtiionships
47. What are some of their personal kinks and passions? And what are some of their safety practices? What ingenious equipment have they built, designed, or otherwise dreamed of?
48. I think it's much easier for a dominant man to express his nature in his vanilla world than it is for a submissive woman to express her nature in her vanilla world. I know that many slaves need to "flip a switch" in that they must be assertive leaders in terms of their careers. This fascinates me. How are they able to flip that switch?
49. I think more of the mental/emotional side should be delved into rather than just the sexual aspects that is so prevalent in all of the available information out there.
50. How they cope with being themselves and not having; the gnaw of want and need is pretty difficult at times.
51. While I am open to discussions with other like-minded people regarding D/s practices, I am much more focused on finding the right path for me and my significant than transposing others practices into my own personal experiences.
52. Are they ever truly satisfied
53. not a lot. through blog reading and contact with many Doms and subs i am fortunate in that i can ask them and learn from their experiences.
54. Everything! I think we are all starved for friends and contacts - what has worked for them, what hasn't, what the pitfalls might be. I think just the opportunity to talk with like-minded people would be great. We are a middle class couple leading a regular life, and it would great to talk to people like us who incorporate these principles of dominance and submission into their lives.
55. When was their first indication of this inclination? Do you wish this lifestyle to remain underground, or do you hope it will achieve mainstream acceptance like homosexuality has?
56. not sure
57. Gosh. I'd just like to hear from more people who are making kinky relatinoships work- really work in a long term, mature healthy reltaionship sense, where both partners are functioning adults whose emotional needs are articulated and met. Id like people to know that is a possible reality, too. Also I'd like to know about the long term physical affects of repeated bruising from other subs expereince.
58. I wonder how other people discovered BDSM. I wonder what is the spectrum of activities.
59. Where would they place themselves on the continuum of spanking activity? Which were they aware of first, the interest in spanking or their D/s interests?
60. how do you manage your wants and desires within your vanilla world?
61. Does it make them happy? Are they developing through it? Where do they see themselves going next?