Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Insanity

Once upon a time, I embarked on a journey with a Master who plucked me out of my dismal obscurity and generously offered me his hand. He showed me a world I never knew existed outside of my deepest darkest fantasies and he seemed to understand me as I have never been understood. He showed me the beauty and power in the world all around, and how magic exists even in a paper strip. He taught me about the mystique and wonder of the dragonfly and sent messages of love to me on its wings. He opened my eyes, my heart, my soul and my mind. He breathed life into a girl who was waiting to die... And when I was securely in his grasp, and placed in his palm my mind, my body, my heart and soul, pledging myself to him forever, he let me go. He just disappeared without warning. He left me alone in the dark and only pain and anguish remained where joy and love had been.

It almost killed me, truly it did, and I am still in agony over him, although not as much as I had been. But I think about him, and what was and what could have been every day of my life, and I suppose I will until my dying day. He once told me his mark upon my soul was indelible, and I had thought that such a blessing at the time.

I realize, now, after so much more heartbreak with others, I have just been chasing something that was so unfairly ripped away from my life. He is gone. Master is gone. Forever. I think it's time to come to terms with the fact that the journey that was offered, the gift that was given, so briefly to me, was just a moment in time that has now passed. I think it's time to let it go, and to find a way to put this part of me to rest someway. I know how often folks say that it's impossible to do so, that once one is awakened to this part of themselves and their soul set free that they can no longer live any other way; however, I find having hope that I will ever be able to resume my journey quite impossible, and perhaps the only way for me to find peace in this world is to let it go.. to just let the hope and the journey go...




“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

~ Albert Einstein ~

2 comments:

Marches Man said...

You don't know me Dragonfly, but your sadness fills me. I just wish I could hold you and give you some comfort. Happiness and sadness, good and bad, light and dark are at opposite ends of our life spectrum. Ying and Yang. If we touch great happiness, then at some point intense sadness follows. It's impossible to have one with out the other. If we were always happy then how would we know if we didn't have sadness to compare it against? I know these words are of little use to you now, but in the lighter moments perhaps they will be.

I know Einstein was a clever chap, but he's not really known for his intense personal relationships and I suspect he was talking logically about experimental research and not about human nature when he said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" I'd like to re-word that slightly and say "Optimism and a strong belief is doing the same thing over and over again knowing that different results will happen eventually"

Kimmy Words said...

Dear Dragonfly - I could have written those words myself. Bless you for having the courage to do so. Sometimes I think BDSM is like an addiction - how can you not want more after you've gone to places where few venture. I wish you peace and hope you find what you are looking for. Once again I embark on another connection with another Dom. Finally another 50 year old and another parent and finally - someone that seems to want the same things that I do. Once again I cross my fingers and try to operate from hope instead of fear.
- Kim a/k/a sub sophia