A question from Anonymous... and some answers...

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint":

This is good for those who are seeking to bring out the Dom in their spouse.

My challenge though is to bring out the sub in my vanilla wife!

Any suggestions or blogs that would be helpful?

Thanks,


I have been thinking about this question for a few days , Anonymous, and I hope to offer you some sound advice.

There is one person I know who often writes about shifting the dynamic between a man and a woman to represent the D/s dynamic a bit more, although his family has adopted the "Head of Household" structure. I would suggest reading his site as well since much of what I was thinking of writing could be found there in abundance!

What seems to come to the forefront of my mind when I think about what would give a vanilla wife some flavor has to do with what happens outside of the bedroom since women connect everything in their world (and men tend to compartmentalize).

In order for a woman to feel submissive to her husband, she must feel safe and secure in his presence. She must feel that he will protect her and care for her no matter what happens. It is in this security that she is able to let go of her ego and submit to his will. Ways to ensure her security are through love and consistency. You need to be dependable and she needs to see that you say what you mean and mean what you say.

In talking to so many women in my life, I believe that we all, vanilla and otherwise, look for these qualities in a man. We swoon at his strength and charisma no matter what his orientation. To me, domination is more about providing that secure world in which I feel at peace and can submit. It is more about dominating the elements around me than me. A good dominant is like a master gardener, making sure the earth has been properly tilled, the seeds planted and tended and the elements controlled so the blooms can emerge and offer pleasure to all who gaze upon them.

In my own experience, what attracted me so strongly to my (vanilla) husband was his ability to command a room and take charge with his wit and charm, and always making me feel I was attended to and cared for. It is an amazing feeling when your man walks across a room of people to close a window because he notices your rubbing your arms because you are cold without a word spoken, just a loving wink as he goes to back to attend the guests. It showed me that he is always caring for me, that I am always his. I remember the feeling of intoxicating warmth that flooded my body and soul when that happened, and now understand it to be those lovely submissive feelings I long to swim in.

Sadly, what happened over the years is that this dynamic wasn't nurtured or honored (we were so very young) and with it's inconsistency, it eventually diminished and resentment filtered through. What I long to do is to restore our dynamic to what it was because I now understand what it means and what it could be. I'm still working on it.

I hope this was helpful, dearest Anonymous, and if anyone would like to offer more advice about how to add some flavor, please do so!

xo