Sunday, April 19, 2009


I think what bothered me the most about that stranger's phone call is that her sentiment was something I harbor about myself in the darkest corner of my mind. It was unnerving to have it wrenched out into the open and recorded on my cell phone. Even though her voice was unknown to me, the words were not. In fact, the words she used are words, when said to me by another, would send me zooming in so many ways. Maybe it was the way she took those precious words and used them to spew her hatred.

We are often hardest on ourselves in life. Far more punishing than even the cruelest Master, which is why I think we seek that external control at times. I have often said to Him that I pray his dominant strength is stronger than the sadist in my head. I work very hard to control those thoughts. I don't mean to insinuate that I am self-loathing, but I am a bit of a perfectionist, and tend to demand that of myself. I will not accept limits for achievement, and know that I can always do better.

Sometimes it's best to just ride out the emotion and then move on, and that's what I am doing about that mysterious call.

I do feel, however, as if the other shoe is going to drop... let's just hope it's not one by Vivienne Westwood, and not dropped on my head.

Thank you for your kind words of reassurance and love.

No comments: