Flattery will get you nowhere...

Well, actually, flattery will get you a link to your post.

Pygar has asked the question:


What is the difference between a 24/7 domestic discipline relationship and domestic abuse?

Having experience in both these realms, and speaking to so many others who have as well, I replied:

There are many differences between the dynamics, and I have spoken to folks in both situation, professionally and privately... and the very very short version (as I do not want to hog up all your space!) is this:

DD/D-s etc. is a mutually agreed upon dynamic in which personal and relational growth and strength are the impetus and goal.

Domestic Violence is when one mentally unstable individual exerts control and violence toward the other to diminish them on all personal levels.

And this is just the very tip of the "how they are so very different" iceberg.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and there can be DV involved in DD and DD in DV.... But the key is to look at the submissive in the relationship.. is she aglow with happiness, joy and emotional fulfillment? Or is she a shell of a human being barely able to survive?

And then he responded (and please note the incredibly kind flattery):

Dearest Dragonfly

Your wisdom is as great as your legendary beauty! ;) You are welcome to hog as much space on this blog as you wish.

But having given such a full answer I'm not sure there is much more for any of us to add!

To try to maintain and develop the discussion a little though I wonder if the exemplars you give of the difference between DD/D-s and Domestic violence are describing each end of the scale - but that there can be a gray area in the middle where all is not so clear.

However your analysis of the difference is very sharp.

I wondered still though how one can tell from the outside - and again you give us such a good answer - to look at the sub herself. But again - I wonder if on a day to day basis many subs are slightly less than aglow with happiness! Every relationship has its ups and downs.

But in reality I find it hard to quibble with anything you have said.

So what say you sisters? Has there been a time in your life when you were caught in this gray area or Domestic Violence vs. D/s? What helped you understand what you were experiencing? How did you resolve this within your life? And a question I dread asking... Is anyone out there wondering what realm in which they currently exist?