my heart...

I have had to make some decisions about my life and the direction in which it was going. It's ironic actually. The only way to find peace in my life is to deny myself the one thing that brings me peace. Sometimes true submission requires sacrifice of self for others. At least in my case this is proving to be true. If I am to serve the one I am committed to, then I can no longer serve the way my soul yearns to serve.

I can't compartmentalize. Not enough to find the peace I need to live. I need permission, I need to know that what I am doing is ok, that it is allowed. I need that as much as I need to be at His feet serving His needs, and I know that I will never be "allowed" or "permitted" to do so. I know that just asking the question will obliterate everything around me.

This is a puzzle, a conundrum that I have been trying to resolve for years and years. Maybe there is an answer, I'm sure there is, but it is not revealing itself to me, and I wonder if that is not the answer in itself. Maybe I'm not to know the answer or find it or live it. Maybe it's a big screaming message to me from the universe. I don't know...

What I do know is that my heart is very very heavy.