Saturday, June 28, 2008

Where have you been?

Good question... for me..

Here, now...

I have recently been thinking about control. Control is the driving force of the D/s dynamic. There are many other elements, such as trust, and devotion, love and obedience, and many more, but the first brick laid in the building of the D/s foundation is control.

Growing up in a chaotic household fraught with addiction and mental illness I learned at a very young age that control was something one must acquire very early on and cleave to for survival, even in the smallest measure. Usually that started with things about oneself, since controlling those around, who have a great deal of authority and power was impossible. As much as the chaos tried to infringe upon my being, it could never fully permeate unless I allowed it to do so, and I did not. And so the seed was planted.

Of course this is how I survived the chaos and emerged fairly unharmed, however as I grew up the thing that helped me survive was then turning into the element of my demise. Controlling needs boundaries or it will grow like poison ivy, invading thoughts and feelings, and eventually relationships until all it touches is infected with its toxin. It also traps. If one is busy controlling, or trying to control all that surrounds, then one can never rest or let go, becoming a prisoner as well as the Warden. And, let me tell you... it's exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Imagine never feeling safe enough to let yourself breathe...

I believe many of us inclined to the D/s dynamic have similar issues in this area, which is why D/s is so attractive, and needed in our lives. We need to reorganize how control exists in our lives and we need to find the peace offered in the safety felt when we let it go (if indeed we can).

For me, control is not something I easily give up. I am a chronic topping from the bottomer even in the most subtle of ways. I have come to realize that I need it wrenched from my grip by someone I have learned over time to trust and admire and love. To be captured as the need to have it is tethered by primal ancient survival instincts that do not respond to logic and reason, and I need to have a secure comfort zone created that would keep the demons at bay.

Sounds impossible, eh? I'm starting to believe it just may be...


Anonymous said...

Dearest january

I think a lot of subs have had a period of chaos in their lives which drives them to go to greater lengths to find order. They seek order by falling in love with the person who brings order to their lives, the dominant partner. They are happy to submit provided their wellbeing is enhanced and this is achieved by their dominant imposing order on them and their environment.

Once in this position a sub becomes transfixed by their orderly lives and they continue to submit so that order is preserved. It is important that the dominant understands that his role is to set standards that promote order. The dominant must be constant in his application correction as this is comforting to a sub as it reinstates order.



Dragonfly said...

Thank you for your words, AKM, i will share your wisdom with January.

Pygar said...

"I need to have a secure comfort zone created that would keep the demons at bay"

I think this is the bottom line of what you seek. You believe it can be discovered through submission or even being owned. However you have explored this and found your place of safety each time only temporarily.

You have friends who will support you when the demons come near. You only have to ask.

Whilst D/s relationships can help you feel controlled in such a way that makes you feel safe and loved it might not be the whole answer but only part of it.

Stay safe and loved dearest Dragonfly.