Here, now...
I have recently been thinking about control. Control is the driving force of the D/s dynamic. There are many other elements, such as trust, and devotion, love and obedience, and many more, but the first brick laid in the building of the D/s foundation is control.
Growing up in a chaotic household fraught with addiction and mental illness I learned at a very young age that control was something one must acquire very early on and cleave to for survival, even in the smallest measure. Usually that started with things about oneself, since controlling those around, who have a great deal of authority and power was impossible. As much as the chaos tried to infringe upon my being, it could never fully permeate unless I allowed it to do so, and I did not. And so the seed was planted.
Of course this is how I survived the chaos and emerged fairly unharmed, however as I grew up the thing that helped me survive was then turning into the element of my demise. Controlling needs boundaries or it will grow like poison ivy, invading thoughts and feelings, and eventually relationships until all it touches is infected with its toxin. It also traps. If one is busy controlling, or trying to control all that surrounds, then one can never rest or let go, becoming a prisoner as well as the Warden. And, let me tell you... it's exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Imagine never feeling safe enough to let yourself breathe...
I believe many of us inclined to the D/s dynamic have similar issues in this area, which is why D/s is so attractive, and needed in our lives. We need to reorganize how control exists in our lives and we need to find the peace offered in the safety felt when we let it go (if indeed we can).
For me, control is not something I easily give up. I am a chronic topping from the bottomer even in the most subtle of ways. I have come to realize that I need it wrenched from my grip by someone I have learned over time to trust and admire and love. To be captured as the need to have it is tethered by primal ancient survival instincts that do not respond to logic and reason, and I need to have a secure comfort zone created that would keep the demons at bay.
Sounds impossible, eh? I'm starting to believe it just may be...
