tonysangel's left the following comment on a post:

I am a sub in a long distance ownership most of my training has been done by phone or internet.. i have a tendency to defy him because of the distance.. only to have the punishment be more severe when i am before him.. i know the concequencces are coming.. anyone else have this problem and corrected it..

In exploring my own past experiences with distant Master, I remember realizing how easy it would be  to defy Master since he is not here to see. How would he ever know unless I told him? And why on earth would I rat myself out? Then I realized how pointless doing so would be. The only way to honor the true submission in my heart was to keep it pure by being honest and obedient. If I was having difficulty doing so, then I needed to address this with my Master.  What would the point be for either of us if I was just going to do what I wanted to do anyway?

Discuss it with him. It's a point of growth for you both.

new therapy?

I was talking to a (vanilla) friend the other day, or actually he was talking to me, about the problems he was having with his wife. She is controlling, demeaning and constantly doing things to provoke an altercation with him.   It's been going on for a while, and I sat there and nodded and offered my best advice and support, but all I could think of was...

Dude!!!! She's BEGGING for it. Slap a collar on that shrew already!!! If I have ever heard of anyone needing to be turned over a knee it is her!! She is a petulant, snarky child that needs to be put in her place! She gives "bratting" new dimension!!!!!! 

Of course, I said none of this... but then I began to wonder... This woman is a troubled woman desperately searching for boundaries in her life. She is constantly doing things to test them, and he gingerly handles her when it's clear she needs a firm hand. Why couldn't this be a viable solution?

There are "kink" friendly therapists out there who provide traditional therapy to those in need, that have an understanding of  the unique dynamics involved in certain lifestyles. But I wonder if they ever employ "kinky" solutions for their vanilla patients. hmmmm.....

processing...

I am currently without a recognized Dominant figure in my life. A painful choice I had to make to maintain my family structure. It's been almost a year, and I still feel like I'm in somewhat of a tailspin. I have so many emotions that wreak havoc in my life and I feel I have no clear plan or goal. It's definitely some sort of survival mode that keeps me afloat.

He doesn't know why I am so angry with him at times, and truth be told, neither do I. I think I am just angry at myself, and he is just the convenient target.  I need to get a grip on things. We recently went to the doctor, and his blood pressure was high. I immediately felt responsible. He is stressed and trying to hold it all together, normalizing a situation he can barely recognize or understand. I have not been easy. The child in me wants him deprived of peace as I am, perhaps.

It is an arduous process finding the Master within. I existed for a long time having to make my own rules and structure and I am sure I can do it again, but it is quite hard.  As hard as it is for the garden to garden herself.

A question....

I received this comment on a post.....

trevzangel has left a new comment on your post "Training for the New Submissive":

I have been trying to research about becoming a submissive, the more i research the more i want to become, how do i start? if any one can help me please x 

In my humble opinion, trevzangel, being submissive is not something you simply "start," it is something that you just are. It's something that feels right to your very core, that resonates deep in your soul. I think what you may be inquiring is how to embark on a relationship where the distinct dynamic of Dominant and submissive are realized and practiced. Right?

It's a crazy world out there that needs careful navigation.  I think the best place to start is at home, and I have some questions...

Are you with a partner?
Can you share your feelings with them?
Are you scared to broach this topic with them? (Viv's book on the sidebar is an excellent resource, btw)
What is it that appeals to you about being submissive?
Is it possible to incorporate this into your present life?

There are social networking sites for folks looking for bdsm relationships, but please be cautious about them until you are really sure about what you want. They could be quite overwhelming, especially to someone new to the scene. Take it slow, be thorough and careful.

Anyone else have a word or two of advice for trevzangel?

Happy 4th of July

I hope
your holiday
is full
of dripping wet
deliciously salacious
goodies....

Stages of Submission.. Exploring Stage 1

 Stages of Submission

Stage 1: The initial discovery stage.

Where and when one finds out about one's own feelings and emotions, related to erotic power exchange are often discovered in a very early (sometimes pre-puberty) stage, although they may either emerge or develop at a later stage as well.

I must have been about 8 years old or so, perhaps going through a hormonal surge, and I remember myself lying in my bed immersed in a fantasy involving a horribly strict man controlling several women. I still have images from the fantasy in my mind. Women standing in a row naked and shivering. The cruel Master standing before them ordering them about. I remember feeling my body burning with... something... I had no vocabulary for sexual anything then so even my memory of the feeling lacks a term.

I remember I used to pretend that I was always being watched by some sort of an overseer. He would watch my every move, and would punish me if I got out of line in the slightest way. I envisioned him standing there in brown leather boots carrying a large stick with which he would strike me. He would watch me as I waited for my school bus, or played with my friends. His stern words of warning filled my head as I pushed the boundaries in the slightest way. Such an intense warmth of sorts would flood my chest and arms almost forcing my body to the ground, a feeling I would rediscover almost 30 years later.

I remember as a child being enthralled by the remotest reference to spanking. Whether it was on television or in a book, I would keep a running list of all the places I would find these precious gems and go over them again and again in my mind.

And then it all just stopped. I think at some point I thought myself a freak or wrong for entertaining such thoughts so I banished them from my mind. I wanted to be a good and perfect girl, and good and perfect girls don't harbor such dark and dangerous fantasies or so I thought.

In my late 30's I rediscovered my secret desire for spanking, and would peruse the net for stories. I was surprised by my familiar primal reaction I had to them, and began reading more and more. I discovered there was a whole world of people and eventually engaged in a very cursory conversation with one such person. It was he who asked the one question that changed my life forever....

"So how long have you wanted to be with a Dominant man?"

kablam.....

Stages of Submission

I read about 150 blogs and sites of folks involved in the lifestyle, and although each and everyone of us is beautifully unique, the one thing we all seem to have in common is our quest to evolve and grow.

I have been thinking about the stages of submission.... How one goes from being totally "vanilla" (or believing they are) to realizing that they are anything and everything but vanilla.  I looked for some information written about this, and found this, which I thought helpful.

According to the site, there are 7 stages of (what they call) Kinky/BDSM growth

Stage 1: The initial discovery stage.

Where and when one finds out about one's own feelings and emotions, related to erotic power exchange are often discovered in a very early (sometimes pre-puberty) stage, although they may either emerge or develop at a later stage as well.

Stage 2: The fear-stage

The uncertainty plus social factors will usually lead to fear about one's feelings and emotions and may lead to shorter or longer periods of seclusion.

Stage 3: The "first steps stage"

Where one will start to experiment (with oneself), read, and search for information, even as they keep their fantasies and dreams to themselves, people will start to experiment, quite often on themselves, often actively incorporating both the dominant and submissive roles in themselves.

Stage 4: The reaching out stage

Where one tries to find others.

Stage 5: The reconciliation stage

Where one comes to grips with one's fantasies and starts to understand them.

Stage 6: The partner-search stage

Within an existing relationship or finding a new one.

Stage 7: The revolving stage

Where one grows, learns, experiments, grows again, etc.

I think this is pretty accurate, at least in my experience it seems to apply. The site's home page is "under construction" so I wasn't able to actually credit it's author. If anyone knows who wrote this please let me know.

I'm going to be exploring these stages and comparing them with my experience, and I would be honored to include any contribution you would like to make.

Been busy....

First of all, I want to thank you from the very bottom of my salacious heart for your encouraging comments and email. I love to hear from you and I am so grateful you want to hear from me too.... I am here, I am well... I've just been a bit... busy.... ;)

Actually, that isn't entirely true... Life hasn't been particularly busier than usual, I have just been allowing myself to get lost in its details for a while.  I find the pull of D/s and all its gifts a bit much sometimes, and since my expression in this world is clandestine, I can lose site of my reality at times.

I need it, and I know this, but I wanted to see if I could live without it. I needed to stand on my own for a while and find my footing again.

I am not good at balancing, I'm just not. I have come to accept this about myself. I'm not an all or nothing kinda gal, but I definitely swing for the bleachers every time I'm up at bat, and sometimes that is a bad thing.

I am easily consumed by all things dark and delicious which is in such stark contrast to my reality that the light can be unbearable, and that is what was happening. I know I am not alone in this, so many of you brave and beautiful souls have shared your stories, which have sustained me and others.. thank you for that...

I think I'm close though. Closer than I have been ever. Which is where my new toy fits snugly in. I purchased it as a sign of liberation in my everyday life, and much to my surprise, it was well received by my partner and offered us a tool with which to play reminding us that sex can be just that... play... I think things were getting to serious in that department. Everyday issues were being worked out in the bedroom and that is not such a good thing.

I purchased the Hitachi because it seems to be so popular and highly reviewed, although I have to say, I think it a bit much. I really thought I'd like it a lot more than I do. I guess nothing beats my amazingly talented fingers, so why try? ;)

If you please...

 Stop by Jayne's and visit the lovely place she has created.

femaleslavesandsubmissivewomen

A Community Directory of Female Slaves, Submissive Women, Their Masters and Mistress's


...tell her Dragonfly sent you ...

xo


>|<

teach me...

What is it about teaching or being taught?
Giving direction or taking it?
Dominating and submitting?

Such powerful dynamics to explore and cherish.

In the past, I have found myself most often the student, the directee and the submissive, even the slave,  however, things are changing. I understand how to be a submissive.  I understand the endurance and strength it takes to become transparent, to let go of the ego's defenses, to bend to his will.

It seems, lately,  that I have become a teacher or mentor of sort, and I question my nature, as this is something new for me.  Perhaps it is my evolution, to move from one position to another, although I find myself most comfortable offering my knowledge and guidance from my place on the floor, kneeling at your reverence. But sometimes one has to rise to her feet and be the stabilizing force for her precious charge.

There is a great responsiblity when teaching. It's not about just providing facts or direction or guidance. It's about delving into another mind and listening not only to their quesitons, but to their desires and then deciding which stone to place next in their path. We all carry different baggage. Our views of the world may be similar, but they are seldom the same, so the one who is steering must ensure their heart and mind are pure.
 

I wonder if I can do this.

The next step...

You have gently led her to this place. You have had many heartfelt discussions about the direction you would like to explore within your relationship. You have reassured her, answered all her questions, weathered her doubts and fears, and have have emerged together to take the next step. You have determined the methods with which you feel most comfortable employing, and have thoroughly examined your own feelings and motivation, and set a course for your journey together.

She is ready, fully trusting you to lead her on this path that will deepen and enrich your love for each other, and perhaps open doors within herself.You know that her gift of submission to you is truly precious and you vow to honor it with all your heart.

You extend your hand, she takes it, as you lead her to a place you have created for her. A place of beauty and safety, and love. She kneels before you, open to your will. You take a small length of soft jute and ask her to extend her wrists. You fasten them together, winding the rope around each and fastening in together, leaving a length of rope which you will hold. Your words are sparse and deliberate, lending the moment reverence.

You see a moment of panic flutter across her face. She is feeling the strength of the bond and her mind is not sure how to reconcile what her body experiences. You pull the rope close until your mouth is at her ear and you say,

"Do not fear. You are doing well, my love."

You hold her close and breathe with her as her anxiety passes through, her leaving her calm.

room for us all

I am a submissive woman who needs to be dominated, and for a long time, I thought I was a freak. I thought I was alone. I didn't understand what I felt or why I felt it.  I suffered in silence and built a wall around my true self, hating what I thought was the "monster" within.  It took me a long time, and it wasn't until I was well into my adulthood that I dared share my true self with another.

And do you know what I found out?

I am not a monster, not even close, and I am not a freak, and the greatest realization of all was that I am not alone. In fact there were many many people like me, that felt the way I did, that also were afraid to face and share their feelings.

Through the blessed anonymity of the Internet, I was able to reach out to other like-minded folk and connect, and have made life long friends as a result. We can express who we are in the comfort of each others virtual arms and the acceptance and validation we have experienced has made us whole. There is no need to bury that part of ourselves anymore and we are better people in our lives.

I know the Internet has proven detrimental to some, and often to those who don't know how to properly use it or respect it, and it must be respected.

Connection is a gift. I am always careful never to do anything ever that might hinder this gift for another, and I am sad when I see people use the Internet to do exactly that. To hinder or hurt those who have chosen to interact anonymously by publishing their personal information in an effort to"out" them.

I am not going to go into detail about what I had seen or lead anyone to this place, because I think it is better left alone to perhaps just go away, but I think it's important that we remember to take care of each other in this world.

Doing things to harm each other will only bring back the isolation that hurt so many for so long. There is room for us all, and all of us deserve the gift of connection and respect.