Please...

Loving Sub tragically lost her husband and Master a few days ago...

She needs our love and support... Please visit her and share some kind words.

Thank you...

Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip

Task #4

Do it with food...

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.. actually it's through his chest with a knife.. (sorry, having a moment)... ;) But all kidding aside...

Why not cook Him a very special meal?

There are few more caring acts then preparing, presenting, and serving a meal that you have carefully created with your loving hands.

The goals for this task are to demonstrate to your potential Dom:

• your desire to please them
• your willingness to go out of your way to do so
• your creativity in achieving this

I realize most of us have families and probably cook at least once a day to feed our beloved, and I am a firm believer in a family dining together in the evenings. Sometimes it's the only time of the day everyone can actually sit down and connect, and doing this once a day hardly seems enough, but with our busy lives, it will have to do.

So how do you make Him a special dinner and feed a family?

Here are some ideas:

1. Try something new.

Make his favorite dish or venture beyond your usual dinnertime repertoire. Maybe make something from his favorite restaurant, or something that is only eaten on special occasions. It will show him that you have been thinking of him and that you want to please him. If the rest of the family does not share his mature palate, you make them a little something different. I rely on good ole mac and cheese for those nights, and my kids are very thankful.

2. Feed the kids first.

It's hard to keep the kids out of the snacks after school, and sometimes dinner time is delayed. Make your special meal for him to be eaten when he gets home and feed the kids their dinner earlier. To maintain that family connection time, let the kids eat dessert while you are eating your dinner. Have them dive into a nice bowl of fresh fruit and yogurt while they tell you all about their day, and whisper in your spouse's ear that his dessert will be given in private.

When we do this, the kids are usually in great moods because their bellies are full and they are eating dessert! This will also allow you some private time to spend with him over dinner and for you to fully dedicate your attention to him.

3. Plan a late night dinner by the fire.

Share a salad while the kids eat their dinner to maintain your family time and stave away some hunger pangs, and when they are all tucked safely in their beds, set up your private dinner fire side, or any romantic spot in your home. Don't forget the candles which might also lead to some fun with wax!

4. Plan a whole evening without the kids, maybe on weekend when their grandparents are yearning to indulge them.

And if you are lucky enough to find yourself in this situation, then go all out. How about a lovely naked slave girl serving dinner to her masterful Master, or how about the dinner being served on the lovely naked slave girl? Choose foods that can be fed to him by your gorgeously sexy fingers. Lobster, is great for this.. and what is sexier than a drip or two of melted butter running down a tummy for a luscious tongue to chase? Yum...

It's okay to be playful. Remember, you are trying to change a dynamic between the two of you, and people will only change when they feel secure and calm. Engaging in the D/s dynamic is a wonderful experience, and much of it is established through play, meaning out of the confines of our everyday life and responsibilities... so play... ;)

And last, but not least & a disclaimer....


Do not get mad at him or upset if he is late for the special dinner you made. (Something I have to remind myself of and why I began this post with that comment).

Just think how you will even further you goal if he sees you made him a special meal, and didn't flip out when he came home late to eat it! He will see that he has a loving, caring and graceful submissive woman he will want to ravage later in the bedroom...

These tasks are designed to improve your relationship with your vanilla spouse and whom you are trying to engage in some D/s activity. They are about establishing trust and laying a secure foundation so that your desires will be welcomed and recognized.

These things takes time and understanding. I do not purport that doing these things will instantly change your relationship, but they will help your mindset and perhaps the mindset of your spouse.

Please do not think these are things designed for solely a submissive woman to use with her potentially Dominant male partner. I appreciate there are many differences among us and these are ideas that can be adapted for all couple configurations. The only reason I phrase them in this way is because I am sharing with you my experiences and this is the context in which they exist.

and... please... give feedback!! It helps everyone!!!

good luck and Mange!

A question ...

misskisshard asked a question on the Dom-Free Zone that I'd like to share here as well.

She asks:

Would you mind sharing with me your first full scene with your first Dom? i am about to serve my first Dom for the first time in a few days and i would love to hear other's first-time stories.

It would also be wonderful to hear from a Dominant's perspective as well, if you would be so kind.

Thank you!
xo

Hey Sista...

I picked you a pumpkin...

Flattery will get you nowhere...

Well, actually, flattery will get you a link to your post.

Pygar has asked the question:


What is the difference between a 24/7 domestic discipline relationship and domestic abuse?

Having experience in both these realms, and speaking to so many others who have as well, I replied:

There are many differences between the dynamics, and I have spoken to folks in both situation, professionally and privately... and the very very short version (as I do not want to hog up all your space!) is this:

DD/D-s etc. is a mutually agreed upon dynamic in which personal and relational growth and strength are the impetus and goal.

Domestic Violence is when one mentally unstable individual exerts control and violence toward the other to diminish them on all personal levels.

And this is just the very tip of the "how they are so very different" iceberg.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and there can be DV involved in DD and DD in DV.... But the key is to look at the submissive in the relationship.. is she aglow with happiness, joy and emotional fulfillment? Or is she a shell of a human being barely able to survive?

And then he responded (and please note the incredibly kind flattery):

Dearest Dragonfly

Your wisdom is as great as your legendary beauty! ;) You are welcome to hog as much space on this blog as you wish.

But having given such a full answer I'm not sure there is much more for any of us to add!

To try to maintain and develop the discussion a little though I wonder if the exemplars you give of the difference between DD/D-s and Domestic violence are describing each end of the scale - but that there can be a gray area in the middle where all is not so clear.

However your analysis of the difference is very sharp.

I wondered still though how one can tell from the outside - and again you give us such a good answer - to look at the sub herself. But again - I wonder if on a day to day basis many subs are slightly less than aglow with happiness! Every relationship has its ups and downs.

But in reality I find it hard to quibble with anything you have said.

So what say you sisters? Has there been a time in your life when you were caught in this gray area or Domestic Violence vs. D/s? What helped you understand what you were experiencing? How did you resolve this within your life? And a question I dread asking... Is anyone out there wondering what realm in which they currently exist?

i just love her...

We are coming up on our anniversary,my sister and I. It was about a year ago she opened her heart to me and let me in and I was reluctant and even scared. I'm not used to that, you see, and feared her openness. But there is something you must know about my sister. She is tenacious. Oh, is she tenacious. And I'm thankful she was and is...

She is such an amazingly beautiful human being, and offered me a place in a world that meant everything to her. She took that risk, and she trusted me, and in that, she gave me the most precious gift any one can give, love, and I love her.. more than love her.. adore her....

I hope she knows that I know what she offered me, and I hope that she knows how much I appreciate her gift to me then, and everyday since.

MJ, You are an amazing woman, and I truly love you. Thank you for giving me a soft place to lay my head when troubled. Thank you for always being my friend and being my sister. I strive to be worthy of your love, I truly do. You have impacted me and my life in so many ways, and I hope to one day sit and tell you all these ways. No matter where I am or what I am doing I know I can reach out to you and you are there, thank you for that....

I love you so very much...

Where have you been?

Good question... for me..

Here, now...

I have recently been thinking about control. Control is the driving force of the D/s dynamic. There are many other elements, such as trust, and devotion, love and obedience, and many more, but the first brick laid in the building of the D/s foundation is control.

Growing up in a chaotic household fraught with addiction and mental illness I learned at a very young age that control was something one must acquire very early on and cleave to for survival, even in the smallest measure. Usually that started with things about oneself, since controlling those around, who have a great deal of authority and power was impossible. As much as the chaos tried to infringe upon my being, it could never fully permeate unless I allowed it to do so, and I did not. And so the seed was planted.

Of course this is how I survived the chaos and emerged fairly unharmed, however as I grew up the thing that helped me survive was then turning into the element of my demise. Controlling needs boundaries or it will grow like poison ivy, invading thoughts and feelings, and eventually relationships until all it touches is infected with its toxin. It also traps. If one is busy controlling, or trying to control all that surrounds, then one can never rest or let go, becoming a prisoner as well as the Warden. And, let me tell you... it's exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Imagine never feeling safe enough to let yourself breathe...

I believe many of us inclined to the D/s dynamic have similar issues in this area, which is why D/s is so attractive, and needed in our lives. We need to reorganize how control exists in our lives and we need to find the peace offered in the safety felt when we let it go (if indeed we can).

For me, control is not something I easily give up. I am a chronic topping from the bottomer even in the most subtle of ways. I have come to realize that I need it wrenched from my grip by someone I have learned over time to trust and admire and love. To be captured as the need to have it is tethered by primal ancient survival instincts that do not respond to logic and reason, and I need to have a secure comfort zone created that would keep the demons at bay.

Sounds impossible, eh? I'm starting to believe it just may be...