I can't compartmentalize. Not enough to find the peace I need to live. I need permission, I need to know that what I am doing is ok, that it is allowed. I need that as much as I need to be at His feet serving His needs, and I know that I will never be "allowed" or "permitted" to do so. I know that just asking the question will obliterate everything around me.
This is a puzzle, a conundrum that I have been trying to resolve for years and years. Maybe there is an answer, I'm sure there is, but it is not revealing itself to me, and I wonder if that is not the answer in itself. Maybe I'm not to know the answer or find it or live it. Maybe it's a big screaming message to me from the universe. I don't know...
What I do know is that my heart is very very heavy.
