Sunday, January 6, 2008

Training for the New Submissive

To train or not to train: that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the commands and instructions of a dominant master, or to take arms against such a program. And by opposing, end them.

As a new and Dom-less submissive, I wondered about training. Why would it be necessary to be trained when I was willing and eager to please? What more could there possibly be? I know my personality to be pleasant, that I have almost impeccable manners, that I am graceful and feminine. I had read a fair bit about the D/s lifestyle, books and blogs and articles. I could follow rules as set out for me. Kneeling? Sure. Eyes downcast? No problem. Asking permission as required? Absolutely. What would training provide that I could not already offer a Dom?

My first task was to research what training entails: I headed straight to the internet. Strangely enough, it was difficult to find precise information on training programs for submissives. Many Doms noted that training was a must. There were even places that offered to train a sub for a Master. These sites spoke in general terms, offering short and long term programs, but there were no specifics about what a training regimen would include.

After some digging and use of different search terms, I began to find some results. One of the first sites,, had an article named "Submissive Positions". I felt like I had struck gold! Finally I was about to find out what all this training was about! With the caveat that, "only your dominant can set your positions if he/she desires them", Raven Shadowborne described the following positions and their variants: Attention, Crawling, Kneeling, Supine, and Spanking. This was training?

This wasn't what I had expected. I am an intelligent woman and I expected there should be well-developed plans. Shouldn't there be lessons in protocol? I should know how to act when in public at D/s events or if Master wants to invite others over for a visit, for tea, for an evening. I had read about limits - what areas were covered? I had ideas about my limits - but what if I was not aware of areas that might be involved? I have lead a somewhat sheltered, vanilla life. And what about "implements"? What might I be faced with?

I checked out another recommended site, The Submissive Wife ( This site showed promise, but also had something to say about the very research I was doing:

"Understanding submission lends itself very well to a mentored process. But for sexual submission, the web is a very toxic environment in which to try to find that kind of guidance. While good information is available online, we often receive correspondence from women whose lives have been seriously harmed by unwise “training”. Please be careful."

Ominous, to be sure. This particular site is very private. They provide some resources for those like me, looking for more information. They offer an even more in-dpeth training program but they do not actively ask for participants as they are a small group, their mentoring is intense and they do not have many facilitators for the process. To even access their message boards, one has to apply and then be vetted through a phone call so that the privacy of this all-women's group is not broken.

There was enough information from their site, albeit very subtle, to determine that the actual mentoring they provided was an intrusive and sexual training program. There was information enough that indicated that wearing of pants was not encouraged, that not wearing panties would be required, and that trying to keep oneself in a sexually excited state at all times was a goal to be worked at during some point in the process. Oh my!

I started to make some headway in finding information from other subs about the training aspect of The Lifestyle. According to "mercedes" (The Path of Service, A Primer, Part 1; Simply Service, Volume II, Issue 2, November 2006), there are three areas of discipline for a submissive to study and practice: mental, physical and spiritual. She further breaks these down:

The Disciplines of Intention, Devotion, and Community Service
The Disciplines of Mindfulness, Meditation, and Study
The Discipline of Healthy Living, Practice, and Yoga

The whole process of learning and applying these lessons creates a personal transformation through increased awareness, a way to refine and improve oneself, a method of getting to know oneself. Instead of changing a person's behaviour, training creates a head-space that allows a submissive to serve with the thoughts and wishes of her Dominant first, foremost, and ever present. The key lesson? "There is only one way to serve and that is the way required by the one we are serving."

This would explain why there are no actual detailed programs out there. Every Dominant has different requirements for his submissive. The objective is to mold the submissive into his desired shape. And molding appears to take in every facet of a submissive's life. Is this not slavehood?

In the same publication, mari discusses why a modern person would want to be a slave to another, especially in an era where women's rights and liberation have been so hard fought for. She suggests that humans have an inherent need to find the structure that defines their life. Further, the changes in today's society that lead to liberation and equal rights, has created confusion in the interactions between men and women.

Mari relies on the biological explanation that men are designed to be more aggressive, independent and focused (in "attack" mode) but require someone to be behind them, to support them as they make split-second, autonomous decisions. The female multi-tasks to "preserve what the Male protects - a future, the culture, the young, the 'homefires', all things that require great capacity to balance emotional and physical needs but does not necessarily require instantaneous decisiveness or aggressiveness." With her support and loyalty, he makes the decisions necessary for their combined survival.

In today's world then, a woman can find a place to be relieved of the burdens of equality and liberation, by submitting. Submission [slavery] provides that "safe place to fall" (thank you Dr Phil), a place where she may be simply the nurturer, a place where her Master makes the decisions.

Training is not just about teaching the submissive to follow rules and assume positions. Training is the opportunity for the Master and the submissive to get to know one another. The trust given to a dominant by a submissive is a gift; the training the submissive receives is the process of the dominant unwrapping his gift. The two use the process to "discuss, to amend and develop, to grow and to find mutually desirable ways of expressing needs and exploring desires. To develop together what erotic power exchange will mean for them." In other words, training is the process of communication, of honesty between two people, of a combination of experiences that bind the two together. The end result of the process is such a deepening of the bond that the submissive will inherently know that the decisions her master makes are for her highest good. ("Trust",

What did this all mean for me? One person asked me where I thought I needed training. That was a panicky thought - how was I supposed to know what I needed training in when I still wasn't quite sure what training was all about? I felt stuck, quite frankly, until someone came to my rescue with quick list of areas where training could be done:

* Physical training: developing specific muscles , movements, postures, moving between postures, holding positions, increasing flexibility, adapting certain yoga postures for submissive effect,

* Sexual training: increasing arousal, becoming sexual in new ways, overcoming sexual blocks, erotic movement, dance, striptease, pole dance, controlling masturbation, orgasm restriction, overcoming shame about body and sexuality

* Emotional training: overcoming unhelpful emotions, control over emotional expression, openness, journal keeping, overcoming fear, guilt, shame, dishonesty, possessiveness, materialism, stubbornness, resistance, surliness, egotism. Accepting humiliation, overcoming expectations, entitlement feelings, resentment at unfairness.

* Mental training: memory training (eg recite stories by heart), concentration training, learn new subjects (eg language skills, taking courses, passing exams). Training of the Will, persistence, obedience, determination, sticking to a task, problem solving.

* Skills training: huge range – examples include ability to make own clothes, spinning, weaving, lighting a fire, cooking over a fire, making own punishment implements & restraints, jewellery, singing, dancing, play a musical instrument, painting, poetry,

* Verbal training: control of speech, use or restriction of certain words, rule of silence, speaking more slowly, conciseness, expressing key points with clarity, listening skills
Non-verbal training: control of body language, using the body to communicate, reading body language of others

* Discipline and punishment: accept punishment in the way Dom requires, acceptance of pain, maintaining stillness, being unobtrusive, accepting restrictions on movement, posture, no-go-areas, being restrained, delaying gratification

* Rituals: disrupting basic habits and creating new ones,

* Spiritual: achieving full potential, integrating shadow, overcoming "false self", devotion, appreciation of nature, questioning and challenging core beliefs.

* Testing: being able to rely upon a sub, putting under pressure, what are the limits?

I was beginning to understand what training was about. I thought I was working towards what I would "get" out of training, not so much what I would be "training" in. It surprised me - and then again it didn't. I knew that by handing over control to a Master, it might probably be for all areas of your life. I suppose I didn't see "life" as the training program. But that is exactly what it is. And in a D/s relationship, it is a focused, structured, intense program.

What could I expect from training? A balance to my life, an understanding of what I need to become the woman I want to be, and the support and encouragement from someone willing to guide me.

To train or not to train is not an option in the D/s lifestyle: it is the lifestyle. It is the yin and yang of life, the power exchange between two persons to create a relationship that transcends that which can be found in the vanilla world. Seen in that context, the word "training" should perhaps be replaced by something more apropos, more descriptive of the process and the result, the journey. My suggestion? Your Pathway to Submission.


Hidenka said...

Hello January and Dragonfly

January, this was a wonderful article. I enjoyed it very much and it helped me to see things more clearly. Some of the things that my Sensei does for me, I didn't even think of them as part of my training, but after reading your article I understand them for what they are.

Dragonfly, this is a wonderful idea for a blog and I will be adding it to my blogroll, along with your other new project! Both are wonderful!

Thank you both so much. I look forward to more excellent articles.

Much Love,

Anonymous said...

My Dearest January what a wonderful new blog.

You raise some interesting points. I think training works best in a marriage where the HOH is most definitely in control. He is leading by example, he is setting the expectations and he is ensuring his standards are met. In such a marriage training is part of everyday life.

Where you have a very submissive wife and a reluctant HOH I don’t see how training could work. The wife cannot train her HOH. She can respectfully request he is firmer with her.

There are wide a variety of methods of training. I mostly use praise to build a self-image of a good girl. It is very important that a submissive has a positive image of herself. A submissive is not a meek and demure little thing, she must hold her head high with pride. After all she is a creature of exquisite beauty and should rightfully be worshiped in her own right.

Anonymous said...

Incredible. You had me from "hello." LOL, seriously, this is good. I do not understand how someone can realize they need training as you have, when it happened to my husband and I, we had never heard of any of this (it came to me in a dream) and accidentally started training. A short while later, we were on the Internet, and we found, as you had, there was a lot, yet there was nothing! Again, time changed what we found, as we learned more and more words that could make searching and finding much easier. Thank you for a well said thought on your blog. Good luck! Cleo

Anonymous said...

I have only just begun my training following a long intense and passionate verbal courting. We have shared our commitment as master husband and submissive wife to be together in all things as we explore this new life together. Only the past few days he has been distant, many things on his mind. I feel cut off, insecure, yet I stride to master my emotions and paranoia. Is this part of my training? He is very busy with family issues. Perhaps this is merely the vanilla part of the life we straddle between normal and master and submissive? Should I relax, be silent, patient? He is so strong, and I want to be there for him, but I do not wish to overstep my sub bounds. Should I be worried? Thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Dragonfly said...

I've answered you in a post, dearest sweet anonymous...

Master YT's swan said...

"As a new and Dom-less submissive, I wondered about training."

Greetings sister. This one is called swan by her Master. she too is new to the "lifestyle" as she has only had a Master now for several weeks.

Having never experienced a D/s relationship outside of on line RP in Gor, i too worried about training. If i would somehow fall short of my Master's expectations, and so i too began to read (and still do) every bit of material i can find, written by both Masters and submissives.

What i have learned is that Many Masters don't want a 'trained slave', because what that ultimately means is that you have been trained to do things the way "someone else" wants/expects you to behave,serve, act, kneel, etc..

Each Master has Their Own unique way of doing things, and Their Own unique expectations of Their subs.

To go into a new D/s relationship "already trained" means, in many cases, that your Master will have to "Untrain" you, so that He can then train you to behave, serve,kneel,act the way He expects/requires. The greatest gift swan knows that you can give your new Master, when you find Him, is a clean slate. An untrained submissive ready and willing to learn His every rule, expectation and pleasure. Learning what He wants, rather than 'generic training' or being trained to 'another's liking' is what will make you stand out and shine above all others in your Master's eyes!! your eagerness and willingness to cater to Him!

swan is blessed to have found the Master she has. He is patient, and He is clear in His expectations of her.. He explains exactly what He expects from her, how He expects it, and when it is appropriate He will explain why to her as well.

When you first meet your Master, swan would suggest you make sure that Your Master knows and understands Your limits as a submissive. For instance, swan has several sexual limitations (eg: she doesn't participate in gay f/f sex, and so on.). Before you are owned is the best time to speak of such things. Submission is the most precious gift you have to give.. Make sure y/You are compatible before you give yourself away. Once you do, you are not yours to take back, you are His!!!

Make sure you have an open line of communication with your Master/Dom. Ask Him what is expected of you, how He wishes you to do things, and so on.. i think you will find this more pleasing to any Master than any other gift you can give Him as a new sub.

Swan wishes you luck sister!

Anonymous said...

Wonderful posting!
I loved your insight and see that your a a seasoned submissive. It is hard o find good information on the internet that can help a submissive walk in their role. Keep up the good work.

jinx said...

i read your post and found it to be the exact same problems i am experiencing in finding info and resources online- i was curious about "your pathways to submission" at the end of your post- sounds promising but i wasnt able to find it anywhere on the net- is it a book or a website? how did you come across it? thank you in advance for your reply!

Anonymous said...

I am aware that this post is not a new one but I have to say that I really enjoyed it. i am new to this lifestyle and my Master is training me to be the woman he wants me to be. We are miles apart but we are getting closer day by day. I was wondering about the positions (standing) now I know. He likes for me to read and learn something new and I am now going to let him know what i have learned so that we can put this in my training to this new way of life.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

As a male Master, your blog is very insightful. I believe training IS very personal and unique to each individual. A good submissive is totally giving of herself without question but must do so of her own free will.

The training is in enabling oneself to understand their boundaries both physically and mentally. AND the training is one founded in communication. A good submissive is NOT afraid of her Master unless mindless slavery is her intent. A good submissive is obedient to her Master’s pleasure and guided to learn every nuance to maximize such pleasure.

But there is a BUT. The training is a two way street. Too many submissives forget that in return they have a right to expect a respect of that gift of full submission, and not have it taken for granted.

It becomes too easy for a selfish Master to forget that a submissive, while they may thrive on that sense of humiliation within submission, is not a shadow. She is your pet, a love, a passion and a responsibility.

Occasionally a Master and submissive may part, for whatever reason. That parting needs to be one where a submissive can regain an identity to function and survive beyond the submissive relationship. In that aspect the training is twofold, between the Master and his/her slave. It is a characteristic too often ignored.

Anonymous said...

i am new to this path. the morei have read, the more I am intrigued yet know that this is a life that appeals to me. I have a Dom. Heis fair, just and very loving, yet i need to please him fully and would like to communicate with other subs out there. He as with many has his set rules which are easy to follow. My problem is i had been alone for a long while before having found this path, and my mind is to used to doing things for myself and being independent. I need to change this line of thought kind get out of the mindset i guess you could say. it is happening slowly, but i need this to happen faster. is there anyone out there with whom i can speak? Please let me know

Anonymous said...

I have really enjoyed reading all of this. Having finally accepted that what I desire is not wrong and then founding my Lover, I feel i have finally unlocked a very important part of myself. I also found it hard to get more information as I keep finding I want to prove myself to him and show him that I am willing. There are no people here for me to talk to and ask questions. The hardest part is finding our boundaries and identifying mental blocks.

Maria said...

I have began an online D/s realtoonship, which only makes things a bit harder since the physical contact is missing, but find myself dealing with the same struggles I read of other subs. Thank you for sharing. At times I feel like somethings should come easily to me if I am truly meant to be a sub. For me the hardest has been the emotional/mindset training. Reading your blog just helps me feel okay that feeling certain things are okay and that being the perfect sub is not something automatic, but something that needs to be worked at.

trevzangel said...

I have been trying to resarch about becoming a submissive, the more i resarch the more i want to become, how do i start? if any one can help me please x

tonysangel said...

I am a sub in a long distance ownership most of my training has been done by phone or internet.. i have a tendency to defy him because of the distance.. only to have the punishment be more severe when i am before him.. i know the concequencces are coming.. anyone else have this problem and corrected it..

Anonymous said...

When I met Elle she didn't have any aspirations to be subservient to me infact she was quite disrespectful being a thirteen year old girl and all but even though I myself was only fifteen I knew what I wanted and that was an obedient girlfriend. Now my fiancĂ©e and a submissive one at that, Elle tells me she had no idea when were first dating that she was being trained and if I hadn’t shown her the joys of submission she would have ran a mile but after years of T&T (training and taming which is important if your girl is not yet obedient) she understands and accepts her place in my home and that place is the kitchen, kidding kind of but not really, because it is important for a wife to know how to cook for her husband but at the same time she’s my wife not my chef besides a chef doesn’t clean or run your errands, a chefs wife does or should but I’m getting offtopic the fact is when you eventually do meet a man (and a girl as feminine as yourself, that’ll be in no time) who’ll “take charge” I have no doubt that you will obey him and accept your punishment when it comes but as a man myself I can tell you we are creatures of order and we like things done in a precise way and that’s why your Dom will be training you not so you WILL obey him, that’s what the taming’s for and you’re already tamed, it’s so you will know HOW to obey him because every man is different, so you can research until your blue in the face or just experience “first hand” when you have a boyfriend to train you until your blue in the ass because trust me when Elle and I were dating aside from her daily maintenance spanking I would have to discipline my then girlfriend basically every other day but when she realized I was a man and wouldn’t be disrespected by my girl she started to behave herself and if you do the same and follow his instructions your boyfriend won’t have to be so thorough as I was with my little troublemaker. From Ellespanker

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your article. It was very interesting. What you have said about the Submissive Wife Project is very misleading (as first impressions often are). I've been a member for quite awhile and am very familiar with the site.

Nobody is required to practice Constant Arousal or not wear pants although that could help some people to increase awareness. Mentoring isn't about being trained. Submission means many things to many people and it doesn't necessarily have to be sexual in nature.

I hope I have not offended you but I wanted to correct the inaccuracies. Good luck in your submissive journeys.

anxious new Domme said...

I was a long time submissive and found it very rewarding but as satisfied as I felt and as happy as I was being a good slave...I felt like I needed something more. Several years ago a met an extemely submissive man and for years we have communicated electronically and he has begged me to dominate him. A few months ago I decided to get into more detail with him about his desires to completely submit to me. Since we have been communicating for years there is a great level of comfort and respect already built...what brought me to your blog is for years I have had the mind set of a sub...I know there are switches in this lifestyle so it is not unusual what I am doing but what do I know about making someone completely submit to me. I want to be a good of a dom as I was a sub. I want my sub`s experiences with me to be as fulfilling as I experienced as a sub I m here on the internet looking for answers and this is the first place I ended up. Things are really getting intense and we have our first session next Friday. I want everything to go perfectly and I must really want this as it has me extremely anxious for the day to finally arrive...I can't wait to give it a go! Any advice or thoughta from anyone out there

Anonymous said...

This is the first article I've read that's actually been a help to me at all.. I've never been in a D/s relationship, but lately I've been reading about it a lot and I'm very interested in becoming a submissive. I have been looking EVERYWHERE for what type of training I would need, and your article has helped so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Butterfly said...

I am a new sub as well and as i am recently opening myself up for this need in my life i just so happen to run across a Man who i have learn in this last year is fully worthy of my submission yet i am a stubborn woman by nature and have only deal with women in my life i am at a lost i have done things to push him test Him and they have cause me to truly see that if i want to serve Him what i want is second to His and now i have to prove myself and i am unsure we are back to only phone and i dont know how to please Him i need advise please help

Anonymous said...

Excellent article, As a dom with a sub gf we agreed to make the arrangement much more formal and put in place a proper training regime with a view to my sub becoming the perfect slut. To this end I constructed a training matrix which covered many areas and broke down each area into seperate sub areas and excercises to develop my sluts abilities over time. I am happy to provide further details / copies of the training matrix free of charge for anyone who may be interested by applying to

Anonymous said...

I wanna thank you so much for this blog. Its helped so much. My master has had other sum/slaves befor me but i have not had a dom/master. We have been trying to see were we are in the relashionship. I do amit our age is a gap and i do think he scared im goin to run. He is so good to me and the pain he gives dos not hurt. I just keep wanting more but scared its not what he wants to give and scared im unable to give what he needs. But thank you again

Anonymous said...

We are new to the lifestyle and my M would like some tips and guidelines. If anyone has a regimen, or more detailed info inon thier personal ways- it would be most helpful. As we r having a hard time with starting our expectations and limits. - please title subject line so that I know it isn't spam mail. :)
Thank u

Anonymous said...

I am a Mistres/Dom and i have read this and wish to thank you for the good work as this is good info for a sub keep it up