And for the record...

If I were so lucky to receive this gift from Santa Timberlake, I would be pretty thrilled!!!!!

hee hee

Yin and Yang

I don't consider myself having fetishes.

I am just me.

I enjoy connecting with others, feeling their power and strength and vulnerability and pleasure. I have explored both my dominant and submissive side, as I feel both exist, and are prominent in turn.

I don't believe anyone is purely anything. To let go of the ego is to evolve and this is done on both sides, dominant and submissive. Offering someone a safe haven so that they can fully let go and trust, and to know that you have been a conduit to their deeper sense of self is an amazing human gift.

I think it's about connection. Deep meaningful connection that transcends the flesh and delves into the darkest corners of the mind and soul. We crave it, and cannot access it alone.

But this connection is fluid, and ever changing, which is hard sometimes to reconcile in a world we have come to create filled with rules and protocols. It doesn't fit, and it causes us to wonder, can it truly exist at all? Is what we have come to believe our chosen reality, our way of life just an illusion?

Life is constantly changing and unpredictable for all of us. The only true safety is the safety we feel in the moment we are in, if we happen to be experiencing it at all. It is always in motion, and will not adhere to rules or protocol or lifestyles we fashion.

It's the Yin and Yang of our lives.

*sigh*

So what is a girl to do?

Assume the Position! TVCCM Task #5

David Sharp from A View from the Top so very kindly sent me this task to try:

When he begins making love to you, reach your hands and arms above your head. Entwine your hands in the bars of the headboard, or tucked between the headboard and the mattress, or simply reach out to each corner of the bed and take a tight grip on the sheets. Keep your hands/arms in place through the entire session of intimacy. If questioned, simply say, take what you will, or I am fully open for you, or I offer no resistance, or a similar phrase that will convey your sense of surrender and submission

Thank you, David for the task! It is an excellent suggestion and quite inspiring.

Another position to consider when offering your sexual submissiveness to your lover is placing your arms behind your back as if they are cuffed or tied. This is most effective if you are on top or servicing him orally.

Being on your knees, offering him full access to you lovely body, attending to his pleasure are all things that show him you are yearning to be his slut, to be used at his will. Physically assuming these positions is a powerful message, and even if he doesn't fully pick up on the submissive vibe you are emitting, and take full control of his girl, these positions will help you achieve that subbie state of mind you crave and need.

Give it a try....

And.. please, visit A View from the Top!



photo by Paul Banner

Please...

Loving Sub tragically lost her husband and Master a few days ago...

She needs our love and support... Please visit her and share some kind words.

Thank you...

Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip

Task #4

Do it with food...

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.. actually it's through his chest with a knife.. (sorry, having a moment)... ;) But all kidding aside...

Why not cook Him a very special meal?

There are few more caring acts then preparing, presenting, and serving a meal that you have carefully created with your loving hands.

The goals for this task are to demonstrate to your potential Dom:

• your desire to please them
• your willingness to go out of your way to do so
• your creativity in achieving this

I realize most of us have families and probably cook at least once a day to feed our beloved, and I am a firm believer in a family dining together in the evenings. Sometimes it's the only time of the day everyone can actually sit down and connect, and doing this once a day hardly seems enough, but with our busy lives, it will have to do.

So how do you make Him a special dinner and feed a family?

Here are some ideas:

1. Try something new.

Make his favorite dish or venture beyond your usual dinnertime repertoire. Maybe make something from his favorite restaurant, or something that is only eaten on special occasions. It will show him that you have been thinking of him and that you want to please him. If the rest of the family does not share his mature palate, you make them a little something different. I rely on good ole mac and cheese for those nights, and my kids are very thankful.

2. Feed the kids first.

It's hard to keep the kids out of the snacks after school, and sometimes dinner time is delayed. Make your special meal for him to be eaten when he gets home and feed the kids their dinner earlier. To maintain that family connection time, let the kids eat dessert while you are eating your dinner. Have them dive into a nice bowl of fresh fruit and yogurt while they tell you all about their day, and whisper in your spouse's ear that his dessert will be given in private.

When we do this, the kids are usually in great moods because their bellies are full and they are eating dessert! This will also allow you some private time to spend with him over dinner and for you to fully dedicate your attention to him.

3. Plan a late night dinner by the fire.

Share a salad while the kids eat their dinner to maintain your family time and stave away some hunger pangs, and when they are all tucked safely in their beds, set up your private dinner fire side, or any romantic spot in your home. Don't forget the candles which might also lead to some fun with wax!

4. Plan a whole evening without the kids, maybe on weekend when their grandparents are yearning to indulge them.

And if you are lucky enough to find yourself in this situation, then go all out. How about a lovely naked slave girl serving dinner to her masterful Master, or how about the dinner being served on the lovely naked slave girl? Choose foods that can be fed to him by your gorgeously sexy fingers. Lobster, is great for this.. and what is sexier than a drip or two of melted butter running down a tummy for a luscious tongue to chase? Yum...

It's okay to be playful. Remember, you are trying to change a dynamic between the two of you, and people will only change when they feel secure and calm. Engaging in the D/s dynamic is a wonderful experience, and much of it is established through play, meaning out of the confines of our everyday life and responsibilities... so play... ;)

And last, but not least & a disclaimer....


Do not get mad at him or upset if he is late for the special dinner you made. (Something I have to remind myself of and why I began this post with that comment).

Just think how you will even further you goal if he sees you made him a special meal, and didn't flip out when he came home late to eat it! He will see that he has a loving, caring and graceful submissive woman he will want to ravage later in the bedroom...

These tasks are designed to improve your relationship with your vanilla spouse and whom you are trying to engage in some D/s activity. They are about establishing trust and laying a secure foundation so that your desires will be welcomed and recognized.

These things takes time and understanding. I do not purport that doing these things will instantly change your relationship, but they will help your mindset and perhaps the mindset of your spouse.

Please do not think these are things designed for solely a submissive woman to use with her potentially Dominant male partner. I appreciate there are many differences among us and these are ideas that can be adapted for all couple configurations. The only reason I phrase them in this way is because I am sharing with you my experiences and this is the context in which they exist.

and... please... give feedback!! It helps everyone!!!

good luck and Mange!

A question ...

misskisshard asked a question on the Dom-Free Zone that I'd like to share here as well.

She asks:

Would you mind sharing with me your first full scene with your first Dom? i am about to serve my first Dom for the first time in a few days and i would love to hear other's first-time stories.

It would also be wonderful to hear from a Dominant's perspective as well, if you would be so kind.

Thank you!
xo

Hey Sista...

I picked you a pumpkin...

Flattery will get you nowhere...

Well, actually, flattery will get you a link to your post.

Pygar has asked the question:


What is the difference between a 24/7 domestic discipline relationship and domestic abuse?

Having experience in both these realms, and speaking to so many others who have as well, I replied:

There are many differences between the dynamics, and I have spoken to folks in both situation, professionally and privately... and the very very short version (as I do not want to hog up all your space!) is this:

DD/D-s etc. is a mutually agreed upon dynamic in which personal and relational growth and strength are the impetus and goal.

Domestic Violence is when one mentally unstable individual exerts control and violence toward the other to diminish them on all personal levels.

And this is just the very tip of the "how they are so very different" iceberg.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and there can be DV involved in DD and DD in DV.... But the key is to look at the submissive in the relationship.. is she aglow with happiness, joy and emotional fulfillment? Or is she a shell of a human being barely able to survive?

And then he responded (and please note the incredibly kind flattery):

Dearest Dragonfly

Your wisdom is as great as your legendary beauty! ;) You are welcome to hog as much space on this blog as you wish.

But having given such a full answer I'm not sure there is much more for any of us to add!

To try to maintain and develop the discussion a little though I wonder if the exemplars you give of the difference between DD/D-s and Domestic violence are describing each end of the scale - but that there can be a gray area in the middle where all is not so clear.

However your analysis of the difference is very sharp.

I wondered still though how one can tell from the outside - and again you give us such a good answer - to look at the sub herself. But again - I wonder if on a day to day basis many subs are slightly less than aglow with happiness! Every relationship has its ups and downs.

But in reality I find it hard to quibble with anything you have said.

So what say you sisters? Has there been a time in your life when you were caught in this gray area or Domestic Violence vs. D/s? What helped you understand what you were experiencing? How did you resolve this within your life? And a question I dread asking... Is anyone out there wondering what realm in which they currently exist?

i just love her...

We are coming up on our anniversary,my sister and I. It was about a year ago she opened her heart to me and let me in and I was reluctant and even scared. I'm not used to that, you see, and feared her openness. But there is something you must know about my sister. She is tenacious. Oh, is she tenacious. And I'm thankful she was and is...

She is such an amazingly beautiful human being, and offered me a place in a world that meant everything to her. She took that risk, and she trusted me, and in that, she gave me the most precious gift any one can give, love, and I love her.. more than love her.. adore her....

I hope she knows that I know what she offered me, and I hope that she knows how much I appreciate her gift to me then, and everyday since.

MJ, You are an amazing woman, and I truly love you. Thank you for giving me a soft place to lay my head when troubled. Thank you for always being my friend and being my sister. I strive to be worthy of your love, I truly do. You have impacted me and my life in so many ways, and I hope to one day sit and tell you all these ways. No matter where I am or what I am doing I know I can reach out to you and you are there, thank you for that....

I love you so very much...

Where have you been?

Good question... for me..

Here, now...

I have recently been thinking about control. Control is the driving force of the D/s dynamic. There are many other elements, such as trust, and devotion, love and obedience, and many more, but the first brick laid in the building of the D/s foundation is control.

Growing up in a chaotic household fraught with addiction and mental illness I learned at a very young age that control was something one must acquire very early on and cleave to for survival, even in the smallest measure. Usually that started with things about oneself, since controlling those around, who have a great deal of authority and power was impossible. As much as the chaos tried to infringe upon my being, it could never fully permeate unless I allowed it to do so, and I did not. And so the seed was planted.

Of course this is how I survived the chaos and emerged fairly unharmed, however as I grew up the thing that helped me survive was then turning into the element of my demise. Controlling needs boundaries or it will grow like poison ivy, invading thoughts and feelings, and eventually relationships until all it touches is infected with its toxin. It also traps. If one is busy controlling, or trying to control all that surrounds, then one can never rest or let go, becoming a prisoner as well as the Warden. And, let me tell you... it's exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Imagine never feeling safe enough to let yourself breathe...

I believe many of us inclined to the D/s dynamic have similar issues in this area, which is why D/s is so attractive, and needed in our lives. We need to reorganize how control exists in our lives and we need to find the peace offered in the safety felt when we let it go (if indeed we can).

For me, control is not something I easily give up. I am a chronic topping from the bottomer even in the most subtle of ways. I have come to realize that I need it wrenched from my grip by someone I have learned over time to trust and admire and love. To be captured as the need to have it is tethered by primal ancient survival instincts that do not respond to logic and reason, and I need to have a secure comfort zone created that would keep the demons at bay.

Sounds impossible, eh? I'm starting to believe it just may be...

I'm glad....

I'm glad you ended it, although it hurt my ego. I tried to end it before, (remember?) but you weren't ready to accept it, even though you did everything to push me away. So, you needed to pull me back and play out your drama to finally let me go. I knew it all along, because I knew what I was capable of doing and not doing and told you this several times. But you weren't ready to hear me, and now you have accepted that I can never be with you. The truth is, if I loved you enough, I would have been with you already. You weren't acting worthy of the sacrifice I was about to make. It was all just about physicality with you, and I need more. You hurt my ego, it sucks to be dumped, but I knew you would never leave me alone unless you did the dumping. I'm not going to write to you, so if you want to write to me, then so be it. But this is all I have to say on the matter and I chose to do it here. I can't be honest with you, you don't allow honesty in your world, and I don't want to be in your world any more...

good bye!

Insanity

Once upon a time, I embarked on a journey with a Master who plucked me out of my dismal obscurity and generously offered me his hand. He showed me a world I never knew existed outside of my deepest darkest fantasies and he seemed to understand me as I have never been understood. He showed me the beauty and power in the world all around, and how magic exists even in a paper strip. He taught me about the mystique and wonder of the dragonfly and sent messages of love to me on its wings. He opened my eyes, my heart, my soul and my mind. He breathed life into a girl who was waiting to die... And when I was securely in his grasp, and placed in his palm my mind, my body, my heart and soul, pledging myself to him forever, he let me go. He just disappeared without warning. He left me alone in the dark and only pain and anguish remained where joy and love had been.

It almost killed me, truly it did, and I am still in agony over him, although not as much as I had been. But I think about him, and what was and what could have been every day of my life, and I suppose I will until my dying day. He once told me his mark upon my soul was indelible, and I had thought that such a blessing at the time.

I realize, now, after so much more heartbreak with others, I have just been chasing something that was so unfairly ripped away from my life. He is gone. Master is gone. Forever. I think it's time to come to terms with the fact that the journey that was offered, the gift that was given, so briefly to me, was just a moment in time that has now passed. I think it's time to let it go, and to find a way to put this part of me to rest someway. I know how often folks say that it's impossible to do so, that once one is awakened to this part of themselves and their soul set free that they can no longer live any other way; however, I find having hope that I will ever be able to resume my journey quite impossible, and perhaps the only way for me to find peace in this world is to let it go.. to just let the hope and the journey go...

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
~ Albert Einstein ~

I'm not a switch....

But I might just change my mind....



yum....

A question from Anonymous... and some answers...

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint":

This is good for those who are seeking to bring out the Dom in their spouse.

My challenge though is to bring out the sub in my vanilla wife!

Any suggestions or blogs that would be helpful?

Thanks,


I have been thinking about this question for a few days , Anonymous, and I hope to offer you some sound advice.

There is one person I know who often writes about shifting the dynamic between a man and a woman to represent the D/s dynamic a bit more, although his family has adopted the "Head of Household" structure. I would suggest reading his site as well since much of what I was thinking of writing could be found there in abundance!

What seems to come to the forefront of my mind when I think about what would give a vanilla wife some flavor has to do with what happens outside of the bedroom since women connect everything in their world (and men tend to compartmentalize).

In order for a woman to feel submissive to her husband, she must feel safe and secure in his presence. She must feel that he will protect her and care for her no matter what happens. It is in this security that she is able to let go of her ego and submit to his will. Ways to ensure her security are through love and consistency. You need to be dependable and she needs to see that you say what you mean and mean what you say.

In talking to so many women in my life, I believe that we all, vanilla and otherwise, look for these qualities in a man. We swoon at his strength and charisma no matter what his orientation. To me, domination is more about providing that secure world in which I feel at peace and can submit. It is more about dominating the elements around me than me. A good dominant is like a master gardener, making sure the earth has been properly tilled, the seeds planted and tended and the elements controlled so the blooms can emerge and offer pleasure to all who gaze upon them.

In my own experience, what attracted me so strongly to my (vanilla) husband was his ability to command a room and take charge with his wit and charm, and always making me feel I was attended to and cared for. It is an amazing feeling when your man walks across a room of people to close a window because he notices your rubbing your arms because you are cold without a word spoken, just a loving wink as he goes to back to attend the guests. It showed me that he is always caring for me, that I am always his. I remember the feeling of intoxicating warmth that flooded my body and soul when that happened, and now understand it to be those lovely submissive feelings I long to swim in.

Sadly, what happened over the years is that this dynamic wasn't nurtured or honored (we were so very young) and with it's inconsistency, it eventually diminished and resentment filtered through. What I long to do is to restore our dynamic to what it was because I now understand what it means and what it could be. I'm still working on it.

I hope this was helpful, dearest Anonymous, and if anyone would like to offer more advice about how to add some flavor, please do so!

xo

# 5 What would you ask other like-minded people about their D/s practices?

1. how do you get your HOH to understand and really get it.
2. I am always interested in the level of commitment in D/s relationships. I am very committed and exclusively submissive to Him. It seems though, that others often just play at it with several partners. I do not think I could achieve a proper level of submission to satisfy my tendencies, wih more than one Dom.
3. About general experiences, dos and don'ts, lessons learned, resources... Anything they would find interesting to tell
4. ideas about training, building and mainting trust, communications
5. Mostly if and how are they able to handling both love and SM, especially if the Master does not believe he can love his sub
6. What are your deepest needs? When did you know this about yourself? What is it you can't get enough of?
7. Everything! I am fascinated by the ins and outs of other people's sexuality (all right, and my own). I would especially like to learn more about people's first stirrings of kinky inclination (whether they feel like an "orientation" as my own do, or whether "giving it a shot and liking it" is more common).
8. What they are like in the vanilla world. How if they are "hard core", how they interact on a daily basis.
9. why?
10. i am always interested in how people find partners because i don't really have one.
11. WHAT IS THE HARDEST PART OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
12. Am I just simply naive? Are you just simply naive?
13. As an "older" woman, I often wonder about those who practice the lifestyle beyond the "flush" of the twenties and thirties. How do people keep embodying the realities of D/s practice into middle age and beyond?
14. Curious about all aspects of how others do it including raising children, integrating friends and family, conflict resolution, ritual... Everything.
15. I am really curious about the things others do that don't turn me on at all. The internet makes it really easy to think that if one person is into something (say scat for an extreme example) then it is actually a widely done practice. There are no figures really. I don't think I have any questions for others though, I read blogs for glimpses into people's lives, ideas, fantasies but each relationship is so singular one person's practices can have almost no relevance on those of another.
16. I have no questions about others right now.
17. Not sure...perhaps a discussion of formal training methods.
18. I wouldn't....I don't think. If I wish to know, I try to read about it....research it in a book, or on the internet.
19. How much do you incorporate D/s into everyday life? (To female submissives:) How do you reconcile the idea of female liberation and equal treatment with a D/s relationship, which resembles the old model of "Man as the head of the household, woman stays home and does the housework."
20. I would ask them about their routines and good/bad past experiences.
21. Do you feel you have always had these desires? Do you practice d/s 24/7? Do you find that it takes more and more to satisfy your desires as time goes on?
22. Any m/m spanking couples there?
23. How do your desires/needs get fulfilled in your normal life routine? How do you find the "right kind" of people to interact with?
24. The pain~! emotional pain...of getting there...and...how do they do it? Is it all-reaching? Is there respect embedded in the relationship?? Is there freedom for creativity?
25. How do you manage with kids??? We have four ranging from 3 to 16!!!
26. How do you manage with kids??? We have four ranging from 3 to 16!!!
27. Is there a place where you feel at ease, with out that need to push and find so urgent?
28. Do you have a specific vision of what you want in a D/s relationship, of the dynamic you want to acheive and go about trying to make that happen or do you go with the flow, comfortable with the fact that you don't really know how it will turn out? Which way is easier and does one approach give you greater satisfaction than the other?
29. Does your wife obey you? Do you spank your wife? does she like it? There are so many questions I could ask, but actually I have no like-minded friends.
30. i am obssessively curious about what goes on in a dom's head and what he feels when he does whatever he does. what does he get out of it? i've also started to wonder if by definition being submissive is generally a more omni-present state of mind throughout the day - not that i, for example, am submissive to everyone and anyone, but i tend to carry my awareness of the flavour of our relationship and it gives me strength. i suspect that doms, both from being (largely) male and from the fact that they can give an order and then go on their way, may be prone to separate the parts of their lives more. in general, i am intrigued by the psychological underpinnings of D/s.
31. We are happy as we are
32. I don't know that I could limit it to just one question, I am quite the curious one! :) And I don't know that I could choose just one generic question, rather I would be interested in others responses to circumstances and situations that arise in my life, curious how they would respond to the same situation.
33. I like to know about their first experiences.
34. I don't have any particular questions to which I'd like answers.... i feel very 'live and let live' about d/s in general. Perhaps input on meeting a compatible D/s partner.
35. How do you keep it alive in a long term relationship?
36. Oh, gee, I dunno... I guess tips on good ideas & tricks to try... easy yet good knots to tie... haha. I love to learn about new ways to please my man. I am always interested in the psychology side of it too, why people think they like what they like.
37. I would like to know if they got into this kind of lifestyle from just from being curious, or whether it was a journey that their partner took them on. The only other thing that I can think of that I would like to know is: What kind of a relationship do female subs have with their fathers? And do they think this plays a role in this kind of lifestyle choice?
38. What are your limits?
39. I would ask them all sorts of questions about 24/7 and TPE. One day, i hope to have an Owner/Master who would own me in 100% totality.
40. Any practical tips? Seriously, I'd like to know how they started, what they actually prefer to do (rather than what the media, including porn, wants us to think they like to do), and whether they see it as the whole or only part of their sexuality.
41. Depends on whom I'm speaking to. Tips and tricks mostly. Where to find fun stuff.
42. I would ask them to consider being all without the flamboyancy. Wearing the outfits is fine and going to affairs wonderful, but one should not lose ones identity in the play. If you will be a lord be a lord not act it. Be real to yourself and choice.
43. How do you build a D/s community outside of 'scene' gatherings.
44. How do you build a D/s community outside of 'scene' gatherings.
45. Nothing
46. Why does there seem to be so much "turnover" in D/s realtiionships
47. What are some of their personal kinks and passions? And what are some of their safety practices? What ingenious equipment have they built, designed, or otherwise dreamed of?
48. I think it's much easier for a dominant man to express his nature in his vanilla world than it is for a submissive woman to express her nature in her vanilla world. I know that many slaves need to "flip a switch" in that they must be assertive leaders in terms of their careers. This fascinates me. How are they able to flip that switch?
49. I think more of the mental/emotional side should be delved into rather than just the sexual aspects that is so prevalent in all of the available information out there.
50. How they cope with being themselves and not having; the gnaw of want and need is pretty difficult at times.
51. While I am open to discussions with other like-minded people regarding D/s practices, I am much more focused on finding the right path for me and my significant than transposing others practices into my own personal experiences.
52. Are they ever truly satisfied
53. not a lot. through blog reading and contact with many Doms and subs i am fortunate in that i can ask them and learn from their experiences.
54. Everything! I think we are all starved for friends and contacts - what has worked for them, what hasn't, what the pitfalls might be. I think just the opportunity to talk with like-minded people would be great. We are a middle class couple leading a regular life, and it would great to talk to people like us who incorporate these principles of dominance and submission into their lives.
55. When was their first indication of this inclination? Do you wish this lifestyle to remain underground, or do you hope it will achieve mainstream acceptance like homosexuality has?
56. not sure
57. Gosh. I'd just like to hear from more people who are making kinky relatinoships work- really work in a long term, mature healthy reltaionship sense, where both partners are functioning adults whose emotional needs are articulated and met. Id like people to know that is a possible reality, too. Also I'd like to know about the long term physical affects of repeated bruising from other subs expereince.
58. I wonder how other people discovered BDSM. I wonder what is the spectrum of activities.
59. Where would they place themselves on the continuum of spanking activity? Which were they aware of first, the interest in spanking or their D/s interests?
60. how do you manage your wants and desires within your vanilla world?
61. Does it make them happy? Are they developing through it? Where do they see themselves going next?

#4 What do you think has lead you to this lifestyle choice?

1. i think i was born this way
2. the need for someone else to be in control and my deep seeded need to please
3. My inner cravings and curiosity
4. Even as a teenager, I was drawn toward being submissive in sexual relationships. I was totally unaware of what D/s or BDSM was, but I craved it. Though I have played at it in the context of vanilla relationships, this is the first, truly D/s relationship I have been in, or stated as such.
5. It is something inside you, not something you select. That is, you can select whether and how much to express it, but it is there, just like any other aspect of a person's sexuality. Would you ask a vanilla person why they like being kissed on the neck versus the shoulder, or why they like getting flowers?
6. an understanding of my nature - similarly my pet's need to be controlled
7. I think I have always felt that I need a strong partner, and being a stong person in my regular life, I felt SM was the perfect choice
8. Born as a pretty precocious sweet and needing to please Southern girl.
9. I can trace submissive/bottom tendencies and feelings in myself to a pre-sexual age, as young as four or five years of age.
10. My need for someone to control me. His desire to control me.
11. sexual desire
12. it was inevitable - the sparks from the beginning - it was only in hindsight we called it - many years down the road realizing we were living a textbook D/s dynamic.
13. i think i was born this way.
14. FOLLOWING MY INNERMOST NEEDS AND WANTS AND RECOGNIZING WHAT ALLOWS ME TO BE HAPPY AND FULFILLED.
15. A need, a desire to be controlled.
16. I believe that this lifestyle is an embodiment of my sexual and erotic nature. It was not "easy" to come to this life. Creating the life that I now live required that I make deliberate and conscious choices with the full understanding that there would be some costs in doing that. I gave up a long term marriage and have experienced estrangement from a number of family members and former "friends" in order to pursue this path. It is not something that I have undertaken lightly.
17. It was not a choice for me. It's like being gay. I was born this way and it is torture to repress it.
18. I've been trying to figure that out for the better part of 15 years. Perhaps some events in childhood (I have attachment disorder-inhibitive, alcoholic father abusive to mother, abusive family in general), perhaps reading certain books at a formative age (Marquis de Sade at 9 might not have been completely wholesome), perhaps it's just how I am wired. I've never fought against it or wondered if there was something wrong with me but have always tried to discover the deeper reasons.
19. Something about it spoke to me deep inside. It was a click of some sort, and it felt like I was finally able to be myself fully.
20. That's a difficult question, as Dominance has been tied to my sexuality since I first became sexually aware.
21. i found a freedom in becoming His slave.
22. An early interest in being dominated....in being totally of service to another, now becoming finally real.
23. It just appealed to my Master and me.
24. I actually realized that I was leaning toward this lifestyle at the end of 2004/beginning of 2005, but I didn't know I was until about a year ago. I think one of the reasons why I made the choice is because I felt out of control most of the time and what control I was given, I didn't want.
25. I feel I was born this way. I have early childhood memories of a fascination with punishment and submission. I had a very normal childhood with a loving family. I can only assume it is genetic. I know there are male submissives but I feel that females are naturally submissive and males are naturally dominant. With some exceptions of course. I do wonder what makes us this way.
26. Hard wired this way
27. As I said, I think I have always had a predispostion to it, manifested in my professional life, my personality and some fifteen years ago, through the opportunities of the internet, I made contacts with people who practiced this lifestyle and found many kindred spirits.
28. Don't know! something crashed inside of me this summer. I am a semi-pro bellydancer and something around the 'image' and the aggression (belly dancers are very aggressive frankly...) came together and something broke inside me.
29. I feel safe and cared for. It is also incredibly sexy to have my husband HOH 31. I think it started out somewhat sexually and I caught on that it was more than that for me. I have a daddy issue from childhood as well so I was always looking to please.
30. Is it a choice? I have chosen to actively pursue it in a way that will be more encompassing. I am currently looking to become involved in a long term D/s relatonship. But I guess like most people in this lifestyle I have a similar story. I can't say that I always knew it, but once I recognised and could label my submissive nature, I can look back and see a pattern in my behavior. But basically, exposure to it has led me to pursue it. I was in a bookstore one day just browsing and I picked up "Different Loving". The rest came from then.
31. I just feel that way and want my wife to, as well.
32. somehow i don't think of it as a lifestyle choice, at least not for me. that phrase makes me nervous, as it reminds me of people referring to being gay as a lifestyle choice. i have had fantasies of being chased and tied up since i was in my pre-teens, i think. this would be followed in my mind by the knowledge that something horrible would be done to me, over which i had no control. years later i would have rape fantasies, including gang rape, and fantasies of being whipped. my sexual needs are very high, and i reember masturbating as a quite young child. i remember my mother walking in on me when i was under 5 years of age, and telling me to stop touching myself. i assume that is the psychological underpinning for feeling the need to be forced, and probably ties into the punishment fantasies as well. i'm not sure about the delight at someone controlling my behaviour, but as an older adult i realized i have some measure of ADD, and in fact being controlled and directed is very good for me. i am very happy now - certainly part of that comes from being in love and having that returned, despite neither of us having any idea where this will lead for the future. but i think the structure and security provided by being owned has a large part in it as well.
33. We both have a need to live an intense love. She had a mother who neglected her and I have a need to control her. She loves being controlled.
34. If I were to take a guess as to why psychologically I would say perhaps having an abusive relationship with my father.
35. Natural inclinations, and the need for intensity to achieve sexual satisfaction.38. A love-hate relationship with control, consequence and responsibility. An ability and desire to ably control my own life and circumstances, which led to the craving for balance in relinquishing control to someone else.
36. the ability to be honest with myself and my Master about my inner most needs and desires.
37. I really don't know. I love to make people happy and please them, and especially so in the case of someone I love so much as I do my lover. I am at my most pure happiest when giving him pleasure. A smile or word of praise from him is worth more than anything. All I ever want is to make him happy, so I love to pleasure him, whenever I can, and be the best I can be for him. That doesn't really explain my inclination to like pain and that sort of thing though. I really don't know why I like that stuff. Perhaps it's because in "Real Life" I am a headstrong, independent, confident, sassy, outgoing sort of person - a leader. Bossy. That sort of thing. Perhaps it feels good to be stripped bare and overwhelmed by the one person who I know can overwhelm me. And perhaps it's so sexy because I trust him. it's about trust. I place my life in his hands. That's exhilarating.
38. Curiosity mainly. My Master/partner is the first and only person I've slept with, and He has encouraged me to explore different sexual aspects, and this is just another one. I'm an openminded person, so trying different things isn't that much of a stretch and generally doesn't push my boundaries too far, and when we started trying this together, we were lucky that it was something that both of us enjoyed and still continue to enjoy today.
39. IT has always felt right. I can look for this lifestyle when things just felt "wrong". 43. Primarily the interest in rough, hardcore sex and pain. Then i fell in love with the D/s lifestyle and serving my Owner. I have always known i was a sexual submisisve- the mentality came from experiencing the passion of a true Dominant Leader.
40. A long-standing interest in sex for its own sake, a mindset which favours being in control, and finding a submissive partner.
41. It's just the way I am and always have been.
42. 46. My Grandfather and Father. My Grandfather was head of house and what he said was law. I was his favorite and thus was taught by him. As to my Father, he was a Dominant man who showed me that patience, understanding and an opened mind can handle anything, emotions get in the way and thus on should first master onself before on can master others.
43. It's always been a part of my sexuality, don't really know why, I'm generally interested in the psychological side of sex rather than the physical, which has some bearing, also I'm a control freak in everyday life, so this is a balance to that in some ways.
44. It's always been a part of my sexuality, don't really know why, I'm generally interested in the psychological side of sex rather than the physical, which has some bearing, also I'm a control freak in everyday life, so this is a balance to that in some ways.
45. I do not believe it is a choice, just as other alternate lifestyles you are born this way
46. I was born submissive and raised in a world where it was okay.
47. My own personal curiousity has opened this pathway. Under no circumstance, has my direction been altered for this life.
48. I wonder if I have been led to it. More accurately, it has always been a part of me. As a youngster there were always those dark thoughts and fantasies...but always pushed to the back of the mind. Surely this could not be normal. Surely I was flawed. A strict religeous upbringing, vanilla propriety, political correctness all reinforced "acceptable" interaction between the sexes. And yet those needs and cravings were just not going to be denied. Lifestyle choice was not one moment of decision, but rather a gradual awakening aided very much by the internet as I discovered so many others who shared those same needs and cravings.
49. I don't know if you have enough space dedicated for that answer..;) I think it is a way of being rather than a choice. It takes a lifetime of experiences to get to this point.
50. The very nature of me.
51. This is something I have not been able to discern as of yet. I suspect there are many factors and experiences that, in their own way, made this lifestyle feel comfortable, but I cannot pinpoint an exact situation or event that brought me to where I am now. I do feel it was a natural progression for me that began long ago. I also feel that the journey is never over and that new experiences will always lend themselves to shaping my future needs and wants.
52. I do not know. I was abused in most every way as a child, but as to whether this has a connection, I can only guess.
53. the submissive has always been in me. reaching the age of 40 was when i acted on it and the realisation that my husband would never be a Dom. the access to information and relationships online has not only facilitated my journey, but also helped me accept that my needs and desires are not abmormal or freakish.
54. 58. I expressed an urge to be spanked after 25 years of marriage - I didn't realise anyone else felt that way until I read about it on the internet. Then read about DD and finally realized I wanted to go further to D/s. Without some form of D/s I can feel unhinged. It allows me to feel that my behaviour and responses are under control and that I can't lash out when frustrated. It makes me happy, feminine, cherished, and that he is attentive. It enriches our sexual life.
55. A lengthy search to find satisfaction of some rather deeply rooted and initially unsettling desires. I was always drawn to a certain portrayal of relations between men and women, and especially excited in hyper-feminine dress codes.
56. i think it is an inborn personality type - i think i am a natural submissive, although this was only revealed to me during some light BDSM style play with a former boyfriend.
57. Just like anyone I guess I do the only thing that works for me, who knows why its submission and pain? You could say I was influenced by violent and controlling people as a child, but you could also say I was attracted to them, even then. Was it the chicken or the egg? I do love thinking about this quesiton, and I don't mean to be as flip as I probably sound, but I'm not sure there is an answer. I look forward to reading what you and others have to say on the question of why.
58. It has been a very gradual process of discovery. I do not think I have explored my tendencies completely.
59. I think I was genetically programed this way.
60. childhood trust issues
61. I needed to find out more about the dominant part of myself, which, however hard I tried, just wouldn't go away! However certain commitments in the vanilla world mean that I can't go as deeply into D/s as I would like.

#3 How do you manage your lifestyle with your vanilla world?

1. we mostly keep to ourselves
2. they meld together nicely, some vanilla peeps in my life know, others do not. It is not all that hard to be what one is in the vanilla world if it is honestly felt from within the soul
3. Just living a heartfelt life
4. I am not out, very few people know about the dynamics of my relationship or my preferences. In my daily life, I am not submissive at all.
5. I keep the two separate. No one in my vanilla life knows about my other side.
6. I keep it hidden. it's just between my pet and me
7. I can no longer do vanilla sex. As for friends, we are a normal couple outside, though some close friends know I am no longer a strong head.
8. The two shall never meet or know anything about the other.
9. Until this year, entirely closeted. A temporary ex-pat move has allowed me the experience of being more "out," which I relish. I worry about and do not look forward to returning to a closeted lifestyle.
10. Fairly easy since we are 1. pretty new to this AND we are pretty relaxed with the lifestyle.
11. both are kept separate
12. it meshes - neither of needs elaborate gestures to "prove" to anyone else teh way in which we interact - i.e. I may kneel to him in private but any more than either of us ever were interested flamboyant and attention-seeking gestures outside our personal space. Ensuring his needs are met is not so different in any relationship.
13. i have a journal, which i write from home. my partner isn't D/s, although he knows i am. he doesn't know about my journal. i would say i keep my vanilla world and my lifestyle fairly separate
14. ITS A BALANCING ACT. I HAVE TWO DISTINCT PERSONALITIES.
15. i am who i am as far as being submissive; i don't hide anything. We do not however, expose everyone to our M/s.
16. I am employed outside the household as a middle school teacher, and I am extremely discreet about my lifestyle choices. My Master is proud of my professional work, and my career contributes significantly to the financial werewithal of our family. It is important that I perform those duties well and that I maintain that position without compromise. It is sometimes a challenge to balance the two halves of my life, but it is a necessary part of living as I choose.
17. I have kept it very separate and private. I hope to change that incrementally. Not sure how that will work.
18. I am fortunate in that I am not asked to work so have very little vanilla interference. My friends know the type of relationship I am in so that is not a problem. I made a choice to be a slave over being a mother (and have looked for similarly minded owners accordingly) so that is not an interference either. When I go out to shop I look like a feminine, graceful, deferring lady with an interesting metal choker. I think being a slave has made me a more polite member of society actually. I am glad I do not have to juggle the different aspects and responsibilities and can focus on my owner entirely.
19. Some of my close friends, vanilla, know about my lifestyle. Other than that, no one does. My work is seperate.
20. The D/s nature of our relationship is private and conducted in private. We are outwardly vanilla to the rest of the world.
21. i am fortunate enough to be able to have very little vanilla, and 99% lifestyle.
22. No problem. I function perfectly well in the vanilla world. My vanilla friends are unaware of ny BDSM life.
23. Very easily, as it is constrained mostly to the bedroom. I defer to my Master for most decisions, but otherwise our vanilla day-to-day activities are completely unaffected.
24. It's actually quite easy considering that only very few people know about my submissive nature. I can keep each separate with ease.
25. I have actually started noticing that maybe the world is not as vanilla as it lets on. I have also learned that when you get stopped by a policeman you can get out of a ticket more easily if you go completely submissive. In fact, all men respond very well to being treated with respect & courtesy.
26. Secrecy
27. My dominance is generally focused around relationships with women. My wife is a submissive and out lifestyle together is a head of household, taken in hand style. I have passing relationships with other submissive women but the are most alway clandestine.
28. that has yet to be seen...too new yet.
29. it can be hard as most wouldn't understand. We keep it to ourselves, but I am sure my friends wonder why he makes the decisions
30. it can be hard as most wouldn't understand. We keep it to ourselves, but I am sure my friends wonder why he makes the decisions
31. I just keep it to myself most people have no clue. As for me I work with my Master and live any normal life with a twist.
32. I'm pretty new to all of this, so right now, it is completely separate. The kinky bits are more acceptable than trying to explain power exchange. But I hope to eventually be able to meld the two.
33. Don't see any difficulty, should there be?
34. my friends and family know about the man who owns and loves me, but not about the D/s. they do know that he controls my bedtimes, which is in fact something i need, and they think this is very sweet and in some cases are jealous. i occasionally make cracks that betray the truth if you knew what to look for. but my listeners, even those who relish their sex lives and aren't shy about it, don't think in terms of bdsm. in a different group of friends is one masochist and a pair of leather guys, but no one i know of who is really into D/s. i have found the on-line community extremely helplful in giving perspective and making me feel less weird and isolated. i also have a psychiatrist whom i see occasionally to monitor my SAD and now-dormant general depression. i haven't admitted to the bdsm - she is very open-minded but i don't want her to worry about me! but she approves of what i do tell her about how he keeps my life regulated, and sees how incredibly happy i am. i do think i am very lucky to have achieved two things in one relationship, and things i never expected to have at all or again: the realization of my desire to explore bdsm and a love unlike any i've ever had before.
35. We are very private. In public my Wife is very well behaved
36. I am fairly relaxed and open. I am also polyamorous and most of my friends are aware of this.
37. It's not too difficult, really. I don't have black eyes or anything. And other visible things are easily understood by most of my friends. People I am close to but don't see often are pretty much the people who wouldn't understand at all. It works out
38. Distinctly compartmentalized and separate. I consider discussion of one's private life unnecessary and inappropriate regardless of what it may involve. I do go to great lengths to hide the internet involvement of my interest, of which i am more ashamed than the actual participation.
39. live it daily
40. It's difficult. We don't live together as yet, and I am still living at home with my mum. A long distance relationship is hard at best, but I think it's harder being a D/s relationship.
41. I have both world at war with one another. I try my best to live in both at all times.
42. Life is life and it is lived. Every once in awhile there is a nuance of something that reminds me of the BDSM world, however, for the most part, there is a defined split. Sometimes i'd rather not have a vanilla world, but... for now, I do. It is lived normally.
43. I don't mention it unless someone asks--and they rarely if ever ask.
44. D/s type things don't often come up in conversation in the vanilla world. I guess you'd say I'm in the closet.
45. As I stated above with confidence. To sway both sides is foolish as you ride the fence, but protocal, etiquette, knowledge and an open mind can balance you well. The problem is that we loose ourselve in fantasy if we are not careful, become so ingrossed in it that we lose our perspective.
46. Not exactly 'closeted', but don't go on about it unless the topic comes up, then judge the company as to how much I'll say. Most of my friends know I'm somewhere in the Fetish/BDSM spectrum but not the specifics. Some know all.
47. Not exactly 'closeted', but don't go on about it unless the topic comes up, then judge the company as to how much I'll say. Most of my friends know I'm somewhere in the Fetish/BDSM spectrum but not the specifics. Some know all.
48. Its kep separate because of her work
49. Most people that meet me would understand that I am submissive to my Sir, which contrasts very stongly with my work persona. I am not aggressive but I am a leader.
50. I really don't try to hide it, in any way. If someone happens to ask, I'm very open about my life and choices. I'm actually about to tell my parents that I'm bisexual.
51. I believe myself to be a dominant individual first and formost. The lifestyle aspect then is more like a comfortable addition. Managing D/s with my vanilla world has become much like having mental flags which remind me not to cross a certain line in my vanilla dealings. I know that D/s has provided me with a valuable understanding of human nature, and the differences between those who are inherently dominant vs those who are inherently submissive. Often times in my vanilla world I find myself evaluating individuals within that context and acting accordingly. However, the mental flag is always there. Lastly, "D/s Lifestyle" is not exclusively about sexual interaction. It's about embracing who we are on a meaningful level.
52. I have no particular "lifestyle" It is a certain dynamic between us, we are private. I don't feel I have to manage anything per se, it is just simply who I am.
53. I'm utterly single...and celibate for eight years...fairly difficult.
54. I am open with most all of my close friends. I have actively attended play parties and events with those friends, though I am not open with my family or in my professional life. I do feel those two aspects are my life are not appropriate places to disclose my sexual preferences and choices. I am quite happy with who knows about me and who doesn't. Not to mention the secrecy lends itself to making my relationship seem more illicit and heightens the excitement factor for us as a couple. It should be noted I do not feel forced to hide this aspect of who I am nor do I feel ashamed of the sexual lifestyle I am choosing. Fri, 10/26/07 12:40 AM
55. I have to manage it secretely.
56. None of my friends or family know about the submissive life i lead and i am careful to keep it secret. I have a number of Ds friends i am in touch with (online) and many whom i have met irl.
57. We have four children so we have to limit D/s activities to when they are not in the house, or just to the bedroom; sometimes discussions that are just whispers. It is not in play when with friends etc. though we may have agreed to something before meeting them.
58. All but the most subtle elements are evident to the vanilla world. A few vanilla friends and family members are aware of this dynamic and my proclivities.
59. i have a job, friends and contact with my family. Normally i balance things out very well, though sometimes i wish everybody close to me knew about the lifestyle i lead.
60. I have a firm belief that sexuality is private and have no wish to share my orientation with anyone in my life, family or friends. That said one of my sisters and one of my brothers in law know a bit from accidentally seeing things at our house that were not intended. But it hasn't been a big deal. I do hide my bruises religiously, I don't change in women's dressing rooms at swimming pool etc. Again not a big deal. I also feel that it is crucial to hide my sexuality from my children, so that takes prioroty over kink, but we manage.
61. I am gradually "outing" myself to very close personal friends. Online, I feel more free to express myself completely.
62. I keep it very separate.
63. i don't.
64. I keep the two in separate compartments

Survey questions #1 and #2

#1 What do you consider yourself?

Dominant 20.3%

submissive 66.1%

Switch 8.5%

Other 8.5%

slave have some dominant tendencies....but I'm not a switch..make sense?

somewhat dominant but lazy about it

#2 How do you express this in your life?

1. i am submissive to my husband
2. by serving my Master in all that i do no matter where or what i am doing
3. I am in a D/s relationship. We live about two hours apart and meet every 1-3 months, although we talk everyday. I also host a blog, where I journal about my relationship and lifestyle.
4. I have a Master, and when I am not committed to one person, I enter other relationship that are characterized by the D/s dynamic - whether ongoing relationships or episodic sessions
5. by controlling my Pet
6. I am really just starting, but I like to service Master in domestic chores
7. Very carefully. Very discreetly.
8. Primarily in the bedroom--with a loving partner. Also in workshops, activism and "outreach" (getting tipsy and saying inappropriate things to vanilla people...oops)
9. I am always submissive to my Master. He allows me to do what I want to do with his blessing but I ultimately answer to him.
10. sexually
11. the dynamic is the reality .. although not readily apparent to those outside the know. In fact, D. and I find ourselves vastly amused as there is often a perception that it is the "other" way ... yet look hard - I make sure his favourite coffee is in, make his lunch every day - cook his favourite dishes, we both keep up with laundry and manage the kids, but I keep his vitamin regime filled and ensure he always has what he needs and like to spoil him generally ...
12. it's hard to say. sometimes i identify moments of "submissiveness," but i'm a pretty outgoing girl, so it's not expressed all that often in my "real life." i do have an online journal, and that is probably the only place in my life that i really explore or express my submission
13. 24/7
14. i am His slave and around others, i am just generally more concerned about their feelings and comforts than my own.
15. I live in a 24/7 relationship in which I define my position as "slave" as well as masochistic partner to a Dominant and a sadist who is my Master. Ours is a heterosexual, polyamorous household that is driven by power exchange dynamics at its core.
16. For many years through sexuality only. More recently it has become more integrated. That integration is developing now.
17. I defer choice and freedom to my owner. I practice obedience, battle reactance, work hard to know myself and be transparent and honest. I give up my rights and allow myself to trust and be controlled. I ask before doing. I respect. I accept.
18. I am a slave in a committed relationship to a Master. I write in a blog centered around M/s.
19. Through ownership of my slave.
20. i am my Owner's 24/7 no limit slave
21. I have sought for a long time, the right dominant for me. And at last, I have found him, and he me.
22. I devote myself to my Master and wear a collar to signify his dominance over me.
23. It's hard for me to express this aspect of my life since so many people would be unforgiving of it. I keep it to myself for the most part. Since I'm new to the BDSM world, I feel like I still have a lot of time to express this aspect of who I am.
24. I have a lover who is my dominant. We can't be together every day but we talk 2 or 3 times a day by phone, email, IM. He guides me, listens to me, disciplines me.
25. Writing
26. I have always been a leader, a manager, a facilitator. I am a large/tall person and natural take the lead in most situations.
27. new, very new to submission. Am struggling with subfever and a vanilla marriage...BUT!Husband interested. Want to go deeper into submission, but don't have a Dom...so this website is really the first good thing (besides yesterday's finding January Blackthorne's blog) that I have come across....have some correspondence with a Gorean Dom/Trainer...I am very confused girl here...
28. my husband is the HOH and I follow his rules. I get spanked when I don't. I am not to refuse sex, but I can express my reluctance to and He will listen and decide if my reason is valid (ie unwell, etc). I am not allowed to argue his decisions but again I may express myself in a polite way, but not in front of our children.
29. my husband is the HOH and I follow his rules. I get spanked when I don't. I am not to refuse sex, but I can express my reluctance to and He will listen and decide if my reason is valid (ie unwell, etc). I am not allowed to argue his decisions but again I may express myself in a polite way, but not in front of our children.
30. I submit everyday. I work at being pleasing for myself and that works for Master. The harder I work to please the better it is. No matter how small it makes me feel very nice.
31. Generally I don't express it. I do recognise my desire to please, but at the same time, I only feel submissive when in the presence of certain personality types. Basically, if someone is the typical "natural leader", I tend to be acquiescent. I do have lifestyle friends that I socialize with and am freer to express my submissiveness when I desire to. I also attend various lifestyle events as often as I am able to. Well, now that I think about it, I do express my submissiveness when it comes to sex. It's easier to explain and get what I want in that area.
32. Tell my wife what to do when she asks. Make her sit down with me in the evening and read blogs/watch porn videos/films with a love interest/interesting news or other items. Tell her "that's enough" when she starts arguing. Tell her what to wear. She's very willing, I want to do more but as I said, I am lazy about it.
33. i have a (for want of a better word) boyfriend with whom i have been in a D/s relationship since February of 2007. what began as an exchange of erotic e-mails with no pre-defined sexual slant developed into a "real" love relationship with a D/s structure. this is conducted mostly at a distance, but has grown nevertheless. the D/s structure serves both our needs, and when we do spend time together (long visits) we specifically set time aside for bdsm play. we are well suited in our fantasies and desires, and affection and humor underlie all our interactions, even the fiercest ones. one other thing to note, as you will see from my profile (i don't yet keep a blog) - there is a wide age gap between us, and it is the opposite of what might normally be expected. i am nearly 59 and he is 37. it works.
34. I am Head of my Household. I set the rules my Wife must live by
35. I am in a D/s relationship, although at this stage it is not able to be 24/7, there is a high amount of contact hours.
36. I enjoy being dominated sexually and sometimes dominating, though that is very much outside the box for me.
37. Meetings and ongoing interactions with like-minded men involving corporal punishment, slapping, exchange of power and control, and sexual control Sat,
38. 24/7
39. My partner and I are currently in a D/s relationship. We are at an intermediate level when it comes to experience.
40. I tend to be dominant with others in my life and crave another dominant to force me into more submissive behavior.
41. I have an Owner that I rely on for orders and arrangement of our sexual endeavors. In my professional life, I am not submissive; quite the opposite but behind closed doors, I am 100% submissive and a servant slave. I do not have any tangible signs of being a submissive but my mind is marked and always rooted around my Owner.
42. Very minorly. For example, by taking a dominant role during cybersex, or occasionally during real life sex.
43. I am never passive during sex, I'm always controlling or directing what takes place.
44. I am confident and in such seek to have peace in my life, it is not easy for one must first master ones emotions, and understand that things should always be questioned. THIS SHOULD BE "HOW DO YOU EXPRESS THIS IN THE LIFESTYLE"
45. Everyday life: Generally treat people as equals, tendency to dominate and control situations unless with someone that clicks my 'sub' button. Sexually: varies from slight tendency to follow partner's lead to full on bondage, humiliation, pain and especially control-based explorations.
46. I own a slave
47. I live a submissive role 24/7, in that the Dominant always has the final word. I am intelligent and can do quite well on my own. But I find it best to be able to come home and not be in charge any longer.
48. I am an owned pet, by the beautiful Goddess Feral. In a wonderful relationship with Her, I'm glad to be in Her service. But I am a Sergeant of US Marines, and I am currently seeking a pet for myself
49. I consider the "lifestyle" aspect to simply be an extension of what otherwise is considered by most to be a "dominant" personality. Of course I tend to express the Dominant in me most comfortably in my interaction with other lifestyle oriented individuals, and principally my lovely slave.
50. It is only expressed with my dominant partner.
51. My job - I 'manage' a program for mentally ill adults, but it affords me the opportunity to serve in some fashion. In my choice of hobbies; I garden for the excuse of kneeling, which centers me. I am always 'me.'
52. I am in a monogamous relationship with a Dominant male partner. This is the first D/s relationship for us both, and as such, there is much open communication and experimentation as it concerns limits, desires, formality, process and protocol. We are less concerned with following "the rules" than about finding our own way and what turns us on.
53. By seeking an educated, strong man to mentor me and spank me when necessary
54. i am married to a vanilla man and have sought Ds relationships outside of my marriage without my husbands consent/knowledge. I have always been totally honest with any Dom i have met that i have no desire to change my marital status but seek a Ds relationship to meet my submissive needs which are not fulfilled within my marriage.
55. agreeing to behave in certain ways; being accountable for bad behaviour; agreeing to discipline; to obey when asked to do certain sexual activities; to accept that he has the right to deny something e.g orgasm, wearing panties
56. In my monogamous relationship with my girl who identifies as submissive. We engage in a power exchange that extends beyond the bedroom, but not in a slave and Master sort of context.
57. i live full-time with my Master
58. My husband and I have a Daddy/girl thing. I am completely submissive in our sexual relations in all ways. I do not speak or move at all unless directed or moved by him on 'threat' of pain. ; )We also include lots of beating not as punishment, just because he can and because I love it. I have no outlined rights or limits, though there are some lifestyle rules for me. On the other hand I would not categorize myself as 24/7 or as a 'slave' because in reality most of my time is spent on regular life, including raising children which makes much less time available for kink. I have always been aroused by violence and threats, by being hit or hurt, and have fantasized about this since I was a child. I have never been aroused by vanilla things, and never had an orgasm with out pain, or imagining pain.
59. Two ways. I write some fiction and keep a personal, anonymous blog. And I am partnered with a woman who considers herself submissive.
60. With non-partner tops-occasionally by appointment, otherwise at play parties.
61. through the internet
62. I write a D/s blog, and have mentoring relationships with submissives through online contact only

Thank you....

Thanks to everyone who participated in the survey...

The questions were:

#1 What do you consider yourself?
#2 How do you express this in your life?
#3 How do you manage your lifestyle with your vanilla world?
#4 What do you think has lead you to this lifestyle choice?
# 5 What would you ask other like-minded people about their D/s practices?

There were a lot of responses, and we want to post them all. We will post the answers to one question a day and keep the list in the sidebar. If you share the same view, or not, or want to expound on something, the responses are anonymous and numbered, so you can reference one in the comment section. After all the questions are posted we will list all those who offered web sites and links.

Thank you all so very much. You have confirmed what we already knew about you. You are intelligent, amazing people whom we'd like to know better.

These Are a Few of OUR Favourite Things...

(a wholesome song made wickedly naughty by the salaciously slutty songwriting team of January and Dragonfly....)


Clothespins on nipples and wide leather lashes
Dom's wielding canes as they wear their sunglasses
Luscious pink sexy bits tied up with strings

These are a few of my favorite things!

Hard wooden horses and bite marks on nipples
Paddles on asses that make red painful ripples
Wild strokes that fly like the dragonfly's wings

These are a few of my favorite things

Girls tied in harnesses baring their asses
Teardrops that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white chains that bind me in rings

These are a few of my favourite things

When the cane bites
When the crop stings
When I'm being bad

I simply succumb to my favourite things

And then I don't feel soooooooooo bad!

Survey Says!

Once upon a time... we were part of a research group that was interested in studying and understanding certain aspects of BDSM... We wanted to canvas opinions from people in the lifestyle, about what they are doing and what they are seeking, etc.

The project started strong but life got in the way and it was put on hold. Well, I'd like to at least continue this survey process for a bit, and share the results!

So if you are interested, please take the survey and BE HEARD!

Girl talk.... between sisters...

Most definitely, my lovely sister!!

HAPPY EASTERS!!

I saw this on the lovely danae's site... and just had to share!! It's so adorably creative and sexy!



Happy Easter!




Want some more??? Of course you do!!!

Doms: Perception vs Reality

My relationship with my master was hidden from the world. Very few knew he had a sub or that I had a master. Married, both of us, happy enough with our vanilla spouses, but needing more.

I was not looking for a master. He is a professional who blogs. I respected his opinions and I had questions. He kindly offered to answer any lifestyle questions that I had. He worried about newbie subs out in the internet world. It progressed from there.

Slowly I became His. He asked, I gave. I totally opened myself to him. He knew everything - everything - about me. At his request, we entered into a Master and sub relationship with a ceremony: I made vows to him, I accepted a very special gift from him. I agreed to very stringent terms that would make it next to impossible for me to ever leave him on a whim.

I fell totally into trust with him. I trusted him with my heart and soul, something he desired.

We collaborated on creative projects and the energy it generated for us was amazing. It was like riding a high that only got better and better.

I fell in love with him.

I didn't expect that.

Whatever he wanted, I did my best to make him happy and to complete the tasks he presented to me. The more he opened himself to me, the more I learned about him, the more I loved him and enjoyed him. And the more I wanted to please him.

He shared his dreams with me. He told me that because of me he had hope that his dreams could become reality. And I knew that he could. I believed in him.

And then one day, with all the tensions and stress at home in his marriage, things came to a head and he told her all about his hidden self. Through it all, he told me to trust that it would all work out. That he told her he would not give me up. That he was standing his ground on this.

I trusted.

I knew that he would not give me up, that I was important to him and that he loved me.

His wife even contacted me and thanked me for bringing back the vibrant man she had known. She knew that he would not give me up and that was hard for her. I understood that.

I even offered a number of times to go, to be let released. But he said no, to trust that it would all work out.

I trusted.

And then he was gone.

He made his good byes by writing one letter, addressed to a mutual friend and me (in that order). It was short and businesslike.

He cut all contact.

When I say this man was a professional, I want you to know that he was a person who would know the effect of all his actions on me, on a professional level.

And the reason I am telling you this? To remind you that a Dom is just a man.

And that a professional man who is also a dom...is also just a man. It doesn't make him wiser. It doesn't mean he is smarter. And it doesn't make him a better dom.

In reality, any professional should adhere to the rules set out by his governing body. With a Dom, this alone should make him act even more responsibly, to be aware of using his professional methods in his personal relationships.

I would have done anything for him. Anything.

But, in the end, he was just a man.

A Find!!

My beautiful sister, January and I have found a new place to play....

FetLife

It's a new site with lots of potential!

Join. Make a friend.

TVCCM (Turning Vanilla into Chocolate Chip Mint) Task # 3

Seduction with a scarf....

Sexy salacious slave girls often dance for their Master's pleasure! There is nothing more beautiful than a woman swaying to the music as she seduces her very lucky man. All men love to see women dance, and all women possess grace and beauty.

If you don't have a scarf already, buy one on your next shopping trip. Choose a shear scarf long enough to wrap around your waist.

Set the mood.

Get a babysitter, light candles, play music, pour wine. Do all the things that will let him know that you want to please him, that he is so very special to you, that you want to be his. Take a luxurious bath, shave (everywhere!), do your hair and make up, don your sexiest panties and bra. Tie your scarf around your waist like the salacious slave girl you are! Feel the power of your beauty, and you are beautiful.

Place a chair in the room and lead him to it. Ask him to sit down and perhaps kneel at his feet for a moment and remove his shoes. Tell him how much you love and adore him and that you want to entertain him. Tell him that you are here for his pleasure.

Dance for him.

You don't have to be a great dancer or even know how to dance. It's all in the eyes. Lock onto his eyes with your and sway your body gracefully to the music. Use your scarf. Stare seductively as you untie it from around your waist. Sweep it over your head and through the air. Be playful and have fun, don't forget to smile warmly (and knowingly).

And when he cannot take your salacious teasing anymore and rises to take his girl, as he is hoisting you onto the bed whisper in his ear:

"How about tying your girl's wrists to the bed with her scarf?"

have fun
xo

Lost my way....

I feel as if I've lost my way in this world.



I need this place.

I need to exist in this place. I need to express my submission and to explore it, and I find I cannot do this in a safe way.

I am trapped by a life I have created. By a life that I cherish, but I am trapped. Trapped by my inner needs and desires that won't be quieted.

Life is all about choices, and managing these choices in a way that will not inflict too much damage on those we have chosen, isn't it? So I try to balance things in my mind and in my heart, and sometimes that balance just won't be maintained.

I recently had a very sad experience which has really illustrated to me exactly how badly I have lost my way... It happens. It just does...

Now it is time to recover and take stock of things....

~~~~~~~~~~~

Submitted by an anonymous reader to Dragonfly and posted with the author's permission.....

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No.. it's Super-Dom!!

I have found that we often expect more from those who claim to be Dominant Men or Masters. I think the assumption is that to make this claim means that they have committed to being more than what the average man can be...They have proclaimed that they can transcend what is the norm, and in doing so are worthy of our worship... and some are, most definitely.

However, this is not necessarily a given, and it's important to know this. In those moments together when a Dom and a sub are fully engaged and the energy is flowing, it is as if the phsysical laws just don't apply. And for that moment they don't. But the moment passes and reality resumes.

Submissive women are amazingly loyal, and have the ability to see the strength and good in their Masters and Doms, and sometimes it is hard for them to remember that they too are merely mortal men with feelings and issues and problems that they cannot always solve and fix. Submissive women will hand them the red boots and cape, but this does not really make them Supermen...

On the other hand...

Some Doms think that by their proclamation of being the Dominant of their species that they are indeed Supermen.. They think themselves able to do things that may just be beyond what they are capable of doing, and in this case, the submissive woman is usually hurt. Being dominant over someone who has acquiesced completely is an amazing feat. The time and attention it takes to care for a sub or slave in quite significant, and not always possible. I mean, women are very complicated and beautiful creatures, and men have been trying to figure us out for years!