Sunday, June 27, 2010

Stages of Submission

I read about 150 blogs and sites of folks involved in the lifestyle, and although each and everyone of us is beautifully unique, the one thing we all seem to have in common is our quest to evolve and grow.

I have been thinking about the stages of submission.... How one goes from being totally "vanilla" (or believing they are) to realizing that they are anything and everything but vanilla.  I looked for some information written about this, and found this, which I thought helpful.

According to the site, there are 7 stages of (what they call) Kinky/BDSM growth

Stage 1: The initial discovery stage.

Where and when one finds out about one's own feelings and emotions, related to erotic power exchange are often discovered in a very early (sometimes pre-puberty) stage, although they may either emerge or develop at a later stage as well.

Stage 2: The fear-stage

The uncertainty plus social factors will usually lead to fear about one's feelings and emotions and may lead to shorter or longer periods of seclusion.

Stage 3: The "first steps stage"

Where one will start to experiment (with oneself), read, and search for information, even as they keep their fantasies and dreams to themselves, people will start to experiment, quite often on themselves, often actively incorporating both the dominant and submissive roles in themselves.

Stage 4: The reaching out stage

Where one tries to find others.

Stage 5: The reconciliation stage

Where one comes to grips with one's fantasies and starts to understand them.

Stage 6: The partner-search stage

Within an existing relationship or finding a new one.

Stage 7: The revolving stage

Where one grows, learns, experiments, grows again, etc.

I think this is pretty accurate, at least in my experience it seems to apply. The site's home page is "under construction" so I wasn't able to actually credit it's author. If anyone knows who wrote this please let me know.

I'm going to be exploring these stages and comparing them with my experience, and I would be honored to include any contribution you would like to make.


Anonymous said...

Good post.

My growth happened along similar lines. Although I never really had fear of my liking D/s (not really into hard-core bdsm but growing ;-)), just a little worry as to why I liked my pussy spanked. Once I understood those emotions, it was full steam ahead again.


I some circles D/s isn't considered bdsm but something that operates along side it and the D/s relationship may or may not incorporate bdsm.

Dragonfly said...

Thank you for your comment Hedone. I tend to use "D/s" and "bdsm" interchangeably. I think D/s describes the relational dynamic, but so many of us manifest it in so many ways that I use "bdsm" to incorporate all possible activities. Which is probably wrong. :) We are all just so unique.. Isn't it wondrous? xo

JenaLee said...

I am a young girl trying to figure out about the lifestyle, and I am I believe at the trying to find others out there that are into it also. I am very confused right now though as to what I want exactly. I know what feels right, and I know what I like as far as what as I have experienced, but... I suppose I am a bit lost... It is also hard to find people who know or can even have any idea what you are talking about... Ya know? Any help maybe?

Unknown said...

wow! I think this is quite accurate -what impresses me (I know, you're not supposed to be impressed by yourself ;) ) is that i've gone through all stages in about 4months! Well, I kinda skipped stage 2 altogether:P

So from stage 3-7 in 4months and now I'm being collared! (Well Master actually considered me collared from the day He took me on as His submissive- something I didn't know until now)Stage 1 wasn't long either, maybe vaguely in the back of my mind for a few months prior.

Cool post to read! =)

Unknown said...

Hedone: Isn't the acronym BDSM standing for
Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Sumbission, Sadism and Masochism?

So I personally think D/s is very much part of BDSM =)

A lot of people include fetischism into BDSM too though, which it isn't really, but a lot of BDSMers are inte fetischism and vice versa-

just my 2cents =)

mysty said...

I would say that my growth has taken this path almost exactly. It was a long process, over years for me, to let go of the societal views and realize that just because they don't like it, doesn't mean I have to give up this part of me.

I recently found a Dom, that I am very hopeful for becoming the partner I have been seeking. We are still rather new together but it looks good. I can see the two of growing together for many years.